I react so strongly @son_of_bob because I have displayed all the incompetence I decry with money.
I can’t say “tough love” would have saved me, but then again, there wasn’t anyone who could have administered it, or more accurately, was willing too.
I feel like I wish to confess just how shite I have been with money and just how incredibly fortunate I am not to be on the streets.
The need to avert conflict at all costs.
My wife always says it takes 3 generations to lose all the wealth or something along those lines. I came from nothing, had nothing, had to work from age 15 because my parents couldn’t afford extras like going cinema, etc. I can see how much softer my kids are compared to me, as they live more comfortably than I did. We can’t help but be a product of our environment.
On the other hand, I worked myself to tears on many occasions, and have literally nearly died on a handful of occasions earning money.
No matter which way I write the story, I am still incredibly fortunate.
I can say No to myself easily enough but not my wife or kids. I really find it hard to say it.
I have been to there. Spent over, at a guess, 120K (over and above the house and mortgage) trying to make ‘her’ happy. And that was just the marriage. Spent probably about that again in the last 8 years trying to make other ‘hers’ happy.
Failed on all accounts. Occasional ‘validation’ aside, it’s tough to have nothing but my wits left.
On more cheerful topics, I realised a few days ago that the belief that one must wait until 65 years old to retire is a silly thing. One can be semi-retired, given enough skills have been acquired to earn enough, at any age.
A genuine concern, dare say an actual caring for others, would mean that no matter how uncomfortable it may be to move beyond my precious ‘compassion’ and cries for it, I would want to be actually in a place to help.
A pragmatic, simple, naive attitude to the facts call for nothing less than this.
I am loving and embarrassed about the current frankness of the sharing on here. Starting with @John something changed in me.
Back in the Yahoo days, epic posts were the norm. That and trolls.
I am the tip of the iceberg. A seething mass of humanity is beneath and behind me. Are you ready?
Brutal honesty. This is what me and one of my exes used to call being truthful. I actually credited her, years after,with the fact that because she had taken me “seriously” and been “brutally honest” I was way way less hurt than I could have been. I was feeling suicidal after it was over, but brutal honesty throughout had saved me. I could piece together what I had believed vs the reality of the situation.
Honesty is key. The seething masses wait. The unwashed hoard. Those whose manners are as unkept as a mangey dog.
I find myself in the same situation. I enjoy my own company but have this need for intimacy and companionship with a woman. It runs so deep I don’t see how to get around it. Seems the only hope is to try and find a partner that have similar needs and try to make it work? Maybe that will give enough ease to enable feeling good more consistently.
Yes, this is the plan.
I wouldn’t describe what I feel as loneliness. More boredom made up of the usual suspects; sadness and anger.
So, who is it I hope to meet? Someone equally as bored, sad and angry? Maybe that would be perfect. Someone disillusioned as I am. Ready to be a team together.
I was just wondering, after watching an Australian film (which are usually very frustrating to me) “what am I meant to feel?”
It’s as if I am waiting for directions emotionally, all the time. What is the correct feeling? Beyond morality, a feeling of belonging to something. As if I could be a “true blue” Aussie in this case. As if I could finally be the surfer, bush loving hippie type, with the aura of free spirited adventure. The movie both venerated and lamented this very thing.
I want someone who is ok with a solid argument. Not a fight, but a real zeal to get somewhere beyond the normal game.
I don’t know.
I do know my usual M.O. is broken.
But, here I am.
I don’t remember typing “but, here I am”. It was there when I read it back.
Very weird. Bizarre.
If I am brutally honest I can see I never really wanted to be with my wife. I just wanted to be in my own doing my own thing but to have the physical intimacy with my wife and somebody to listen to me. In addition to the feeling of validity from being physically accepted and treated with desire by her. So utterly selfish really.
I have had patches like that, even when with my partner. I am having patches of loneliness at the moment. I found myself communicating on here more frequently to cope with that loneliness. Sometimes, I find myself in constant cycles of checking the app…hoping has communicated with me or just submitted something new…something to distract me from the feeling. Then I become aware and spot the pattern. It is so easy to get into quick habits.
My cowardly ways would just want zero conflict.
I’ve been in that boat for a long time as well. What has been moving things for me lately has been to really engage with that ‘need,’ actually take steps to make it happen. And I’ve been learning things about girls, about myself in the process, seeing through different beliefs. It’s been helping to do that.
And the best part is that all parts of me are on board. That part of me that wants to be with someone is being seen. And it is an actualist investigation, to jump in and find out what’s up.
Can you handle conflict within yourself? Do you challenge yourself?
Yes, interestingly. There are no qualms about exploring my inner workings. No fear of dealing with my own internal conflicts, beliefs. Even before AF i had challenged and broke up my own soul beliefs and challenged my behaviour in many different ways.
But I am always me. I won’t hurt myself physically. There is no threat I see psychologically or physically. And any internal rejection like not liking my physical appearance is not as bad as rejection from others.
I do think it’s sensible to pick one’s spots when interacting with others. People are sometimes aggressive in certain contexts. That does have a degree of predictability though. I’ve learned to not push things, it’s almost never worth it.
It’s probably with the closest people that there’s the most trouble. Everything is higher stakes and people feel safe to be aggressive. A good reason to be choosy with one’s company
@son_of_bob I feel “exposed” posting here. Almost always. However, I would rather be oversharing and interactive than not. When I am not sharing, I am usually not reading either. So the attraction to say something on here, generally has me reading what else is going on. Which is the whole point. On my own, I would never come up with the ideas and observations that other are posting.
My favourite at the moment is “do whatever you want to do, just enjoy and appreciate it whilst be as happy and harmless as possible”. The idea of pursuing whatever strikes my fancy.
Especially what Adam H was talking about regarding improving one’s career. I have a definite block there. A moral justification for not doing it, some sort of ascetic monk thing, which leads to more suffering than if I had just persued a better life.
Yes, I get what you mean. I have gone from zero sharing, totally hidden, reading only for years to possibly now oversharing a bit too much lol. I still love reading everything though, is nice to have a bit more time at the moment. Things were hectic earlier in the year and I was struggling to keep up with the forum. I am super curious and interested to read everything and everybody’s individual experiences.
Yes, I am getting more into this state too. It hasn’t been smooth sailing though.
Yes, most of the leaps in my career have come in better felicitous periods of doing better with the method too. With a few instances of the fear of debt pushing my out of my comfort zone too. I am now earning more than I ever thought and me and my sister are the two highest earning people in the history of our families but I am in so much debt I can’t really enjoy it lol. In 3 years time, if still with the same level of earning, things might be starting to look up.
They’ve just played this song at the grocery store, I’d only heard it for the first time here on your journal