Andrew

Journals
363

Something didn’t sit quite right in that God-man state. The PCE’s didn’t sit right or match up with the state he was in. He had some frame of reference to break out of that state.

I didn’t have anything to counter that deluded God-like writer state at first. Other than I trusted my friend was being genuine about his experiences of a PCE. We had a very open and honest friendship. He went from militant atheist to all manner of odd spiritualist experiences to try and make sense of his PCE, the AF site was the first place that finally matched up with his description of it.

After all the resistance and protestations, I gave it a try to be happy and harmless and see what could happen with actualism. I reaped immediate rewards and it didn’t take too long until I was in EE territory and then finally had PCE’s. I was so young then, I was 19 when first introduced to AF, then 21 when first actually doing the method.

I was 23 when I had my accident in 2007. It will be 15 years this September. Yet it still has held such a psychological sway over me. I was really building momentum before that. Increased EE’s and PCE’s, felicitousness, sensuousness, it seemed something had clicked. Then such a set back. The realisation of losing so much of my prime years to depression and anxiety was acting as a cycle to perpetuate that same depression and anxiety.

Of the 7 PCE’s I have had, 5 had EE’s precede it and the other 2 came after intense emotional moments, an argument with an ex-partner and an argument with siblings. They all came out of the blue and nothing that I could put my finger on to say what was in the absolute right direction towards having a PCE.

There was intent to be sincere and to give it my all, something which has lacked since my accident. I would often obsess over why have I not experienced one again since 2007. Was I somehow broken? What was I doing wrong?

Now, I just take it day by day, moment by moment, trying to re-activate current time awareness and focus on being felicitous. All this pressure and expectation didn’t help at all, not even in getting to EE territory. So I stopped beating myself up about no longer having regular EE’s and PCE’s, in that same vein of making friends with yourself.

Since 2018, I have progressively been having more and more EE’s from one every 3 or 4 weeks to once a day at least if not multiple times. I had created some belief structure that this wasn’t possible for me to achieve again, self-sabotaging behaviours.

4 Likes
364

@son_of_bob

It sounds like the impact with mortality ended your youthful feeling of immortality.

I remember this well.

I lost my daughter when I was 23. Yet, somehow I rallied. I doubled down on my god dreams and believed there was a way to never die. But only a few years later I lost my brother at 27. Two years after that, my father died. Mortality was real, and there was nothing I could do about it.

There is something about the naivete of being young which Richard rightly encourages.

The “I have all the time in the world” feeling. The curiosity and ambition of youthfulness.

I am tired today as it’s becoming my habit in my temporary semi-retired state, not to sleep until 2am. However, my contemplating has been around how to bring back that optimism and vim that was there naturally with youth.

Edit: I was 27 when the second born brother suicided.

2 Likes
365

Yes, very much so. What I have seen with the Covid pandemic is that for many people it was their first experience with uncertainty. They hadn’t had their bubble popped yet until this. That bubble of ignorance that harm can happen to them or the people they care about.

Seeing a close family member die and having ill parents when growing up, it forces you to confront their mortality and your own. You are exposed to the uncertainty of the world. The first time my mum was sectioned I was 7 years old and nobody properly told me what happened. Just months of not seeing my mum without context. Jumping between family friends and relatives. My wife went through the same with her mum being ill from chronic kidney disease and that type of trauma was like a common bond between us.

Again another worse case scenario I have feared. I can’t imagine the trauma of losing a child. The unnaturalness of it. Your actions have been fuelled by the harsh shock of mortality. I guess that helps me understand more why that was an allure for you. You had to find the solution to mortality.

Experiencing naivete and curiosity is such an enjoyable experience. A lightness to it.

I remember thinking to myself that it was because of my age I couldn’t re-tap into naivete and felicity, that I was more malleable when younger and now I am older and trapped in engrained habits. All these different excuses. I am an excuse replicator, perpetuating reasons for procrastination.

1 Like
366

Butterfly Effect.
I was a my oldest son’s 22 birthday dinner last night and my youngest son was wearing a sweater with the words “Butterfly Effect” on the front.

I was just reading yesterday the threads where this was discussed on here.

It’s extremely interesting.

The premise of regret, is that things would be better if I had done ‘x’ instead of ‘y’.

It’s a wild premise without any evidence to support it.

Even something as simple as “I should have worked more hours when I had the chance” is completely based on the premise.

Yet, had I worked even 1 hour more, perhaps instead of getting home safely as I did, I was in a fatal car accident.

It’s a fantastic thought to consider just how delicate the actual cause and effect process is. How it can’t be cherry picked. Change even the slightest thing, the beating of a butterfly wing, and everything changes.

As one of my favourite Lithuanian gamers says " No complaints, no regrets".

1 Like
367

I have always been obsessed with that question of “what if…”.

The night I got run over, I had left my night shift at Royal mail and I had a visibility jacket I would wear when walking home and normally always had it on top of my coat (or shirt in the summer). The night I got run over I had put my rain coat on top of my visibility jacket which I never normally did. If I had worn on top of the coat like the majority of the time, the driver would most likely have seen me as it was night time and I would have not been hit. My whole life would have panned out differently.

These alternative outcomes and imaginings are just another form of escapism from being here and with current time awareness. So often I am sorrowfully thinking of the past or tensely and anxiously preparing for possible outcomes in the future if not day dreaming about these what ifs and other imagined scenarios. I will pat myself on the back for an EE here or there but still so much of my day to day I am out of this current time awareness.

When I thought I was going to die when run over, I did have regrets and I thought what a sad, pathetic and embarrassing life. You think an event like this might have ignited in me some intent to live the best life possible but it didn’t. It became an excuse not to live the best possible life.

How to embrace all the choices and decisions we have made without regret, embarrassment, or disappointment?

3 Likes
368

At some point for me it was just like , well I’m here where I am now and things are a’right. So it doesn’t really matter :smile:

1 Like
369

Lovely jubbly. I need it all to matter and mean something right? Some of the choices and decisions we made will impact us in the present (and possibly in the future) but we will deal with that if and when it happens in the moment as sensibly as we can. For example, I am battling debts now for bad choices that me and my partner made in the past. There is no point crying over it but instead find the optimal solution of repaying and find ways to increase income to help repay those debts.

370

Yes indeed! Or maybe restructure (like in the USA there are offers where you can transfer a credit-card balance and not pay interest for 12-18 months) … or take out other loan with better terms (p2p loan? lendingclub used to do it…) … or even default on some if the consequences are acceptable (e.g. with a mortgage I always thought I’d be forced to pay it off for the next 20, 30 , or however many long years… my business partner pointed out that no I don’t, I can just stop paying and give up the property. negative effect is bad credit and I lose the property, but then don’t have to pay the rest of the loan)

Many a way to skin the cat!

1 Like
371

Yes, it is true.

During a period of more severe depression I stopped transferring my debt to 0% deals. Then fell behind on payments and ruined my credit score. I finally recovered and built up and got myself a loan to consolidate my debts and my wife wanted most of the loan to buy her equipment to start her business. Which I did, because she promised to pay me back £200 to £500 a month but her food business has flopped so now my debt is increased again and she has lost her main job too during the pandemic, so I am the only source of income with increased debts again after all the hard work to get into a better place.

What I did this time was just negotiate minimum payments with everyone. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed about this, proved ample investigation to all these triggers and beliefs around money and help.

1 Like
372

Sorry to hijack your journal @Andrew!

373

@son_of_bob Hijack away!!!

Those stories are all precisely the point and are natural conversation.

Tonight I think I finally saw what the prevailing feeling of “flatness” is all about.

I remember Claudiu noticing that whatever one keeps thinking about is precisely the cause of the feeling. No need to go digging into some obscure corner of the psyche, it’s already on display.

So, I think about my ex all the time. Not because I am heartbroken or pinning for her, but because I am sad and angry at the same time about the fact I can’t get what I want.

This comes down to not being ready, just yet, to truly feel good regardless about whether I have a partner or not. Rationalisations don’t count as a choice to feel happy.

This could start sounding like a classified ad, or an app profile, (I like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain :kissing_closed_eyes:).

Regardless of what I want, I need obviously to want to feel happy and harmless more. I don’t yet.

It’s been a very long time simmering on this flat feeling. Avoiding the obvious; anger and sadness.

I feel a bit better just acknowledging it, which makes me think that I am on the right track.

@son_of_bob Perhaps it’s worth getting into the feelings around debt. The beliefs.

I’ve been working on the premise that there is no deep dark feelings underneath this flatness, but rather happiness is just there, ready to burst forth. Like a Xenomorph, but with less blood and more rainbows.:rainbow::sunny:

2 Likes
374

@son_of_bob

Regarding your partners business, it’s better to have tried and failed than not to have tried at all. Common advice, but it stands to reason.

The prevailing stats are most businesses will fail, and that most success comes after many failures. Debt sucks, especially when there is no return on it, nothing to enjoy from it.

But, you both gave it a go. You can pat each other on the back for that. Going back to Butterfly Effect, whatever bad thing happens, if you are still alive, it could have been far worse.

Who knows? You got hit by a car, but if that didn’t happen, perhaps you would have been on the next street and got hit by a truck.

It’s like that old Taoist parable. Where the father has a son who breaks his arm, and the villagers say “that’s terrible”, to which he say “maybe” , the next week the army comes to conscript soldiers, but seeing the son has a broken arm, leave him. The villagers say “that’s fantastic!” The father says “maybe”. It goes on and on, but the point was we never actually know what is going to happen, and what looks like horrible luck, turns out for the best, what looks like fantastic fortune, can ruin us just as quickly.

1 Like
375

I’ve been really running this “cause and effect” thought over. It’s quite a trip really. All of the tiny things going on, the parallel causes, the seemingly separate converge into single events.

“I gave the man my right, I could have gone left” NAS from “hip hop is dead”

https://youtu.be/kXq0jaEecXw

376

If you are not heartbroken nor pinning for her, can I ask you if you know what do you want to get that you feel sad and angry for?

377

@Miguel I have a general idea of what I want, a list of sorts.

I refrained from spelling it all out to avoid the post looking like dating app profile.

The main thing is someone who has a similar interest in what we do here, a personality similar to mine. I have no idea if that’s even a good idea, but I’ve never tried that. Always been attracted to the exact opposite of that. And, of course, tried to change them.

Someone who is as physically affectionate as I am. I’m a touch driven guy. Like a dog who can’t get enough pats.

But, regardless of that, I want to feel good either way. Well, I think there is a chance I will continue to feel better because it was only a couple of hours ago a really saw the simplicity of the feeling.

Like a monkey who is trapped but won’t let go of the nuts, it’s really going to be up to me to choose to feel good. Like I said, I am feeling a whole lot better right now. Even felt some zing and vim, with a touch of mojo.:sunglasses:

2 Likes
378

Yes it is. There are a lot. My dad was always strict about me having money and saving up as much as possible to learn from his mistakes. He drilled in this need to be worried about finances and to have enough money for some rainy day or inevitable shitstorm. I feel so bad day to day on the thought of debt or not having enough money or credit to cover some problematic scenario.

Before I met my wife I never any debt and I had a lot saved from only working part time jobs and studying (£8,000). I lived within my means and if I couldn’t afford something I didn’t have it. My first two credit cards were to transfer some of my wife’s debt. There is a lot of anger and resentment towards her too, because so much of the debt is her fault. Not wanting to hear the word “no” and not being willing to go without. On top of that we have had some bad luck too, white goods all breaking at the same time and out of warranty and not insured, the family members who provided free childcare moving away. Childcare is insanely expensive in the UK. So many house problems actually, and always at the worse timing. All these events feeding into that belief that the universe was against me.

I took a long time to progress in my career as well, I just sucked at asking for promotions and was very fearful of change. The increasing debts forced me to finally have to take more risks. It has paid off though, I am earning more than I ever have in my life. If my wife just had a part time job we would be fine at the moment. At the current trajectory, in 3 and half years I will be debt free and in a much strong position.

But there are so many feelings and beliefs at play around money and debts, self-disappointment, sense of failure, futility…

True, again there is one venue she did great at but getting a regular slot is next to impossible. For once I got my hopes up about something. Something I hadn’t done for a long time. I really thought she was going to kill it easily.

Yes, true. Why does failure feel like dying to me?

Yes, I often would wonder why I didn’t die. I have processed medical data in my first full time role after uni. This one person just one punch, bleed to the head died, another person, 36 years old, tripped over his dog and hit the corner of a marble table and had a subarachnoid haemorrhage and died. I get smashed in the head by a car and shatter a windscreen and fly through the air but somehow live. It is like these people who survive multiple gunshot wounds and somebody else dies just from an infected wound from a piece of glass due to sepsis. It seems crazy.

I am awkward about being touched, always envied touchy feely people lol. For me it started with spots, being treated with rejection and disgust, hairiness gets the same reaction too. It is like a defence mechanism. There is an urge for physical contact though. I mean we are ultimately social creatures that evolved in tribes and there was probably a lot of close physical contact until the modern world and big city and towns leading to increased alienation and loneliness.

Sounds good, it has taken me a long time to realise this too. I don’t have to wallow in my emotions or be at their mercy. We can make a choice.

2 Likes
379

@son_of_bob I was wondering, do you still have the equipment for your wife’s business?

My sister in law (ex) was able to get her food business going, her thing was custom doughnuts and pastries. She sold them to cafes. It took years to get anywhere with it.

Perhaps it’s worth another go at it. Starting smaller, getting little wins. Learn to market from the ground up. Personal development etc.

Most businesses fail the first few times. My experience was that it wasn’t really my fault as such, it just wasn’t the right time, I didn’t know the market, and had to get better connections. I was able to support myself after a while, but had to adjust a lot of my assumptions. I also went into debt chasing a particular plan which didn’t work out.

There is a lot of advice regarding failure in business. Feeling bad about it is natural, but the reality is those lessons are only learnt the hard way. Starting too big and in debt is a universal mistake. Overestimating demand another.

The best advice I ever got was to assume The worst case scenario is true. The demand, the cost, the time, everything. Than start small.

2 Likes
380

I think the key may be to stop adoring those things about myself that I find acceptable, physically.

It not enough to acknowledge that I hate many of my physical attributes. I must also acknowledge I adore other attributes.

Beauty and Ugly must be seen on the spectrum it is in reality. The key is a tangent away from both. To feel happy, I must depart the tried and failed. Tried and failed by many far more attractive than me to boot.

To truly find peace, there can be no compensation, and no quarter. No refuge for the narcissistic accountancy of attraction. No stone so sacred as to be untouched. No balance so precious as to be exempt from being thrown out all together.

1 Like
381

Yes, my wife has reached this conclusion too. Some equipment more suited for the market she will sell. She was considering smaller scaler as she passed inspection to be able to sell from her kitchen too. Additionally, she has considered making sauces and stuff.

She is also looking at a job back in her field though. She keeps oscillating as to what she wants to do.

Yes, exactly my points in the beginning too. But it was like I am Mr. Killjoy, ruining all the dreams and ideas.

If I wasn’t so risk averse, I would have this mentality. I was so risk averse, I wouldn’t have even bothered if I was my wife. But I was like that in my own career too. It is only being in debt that forced me out of my comfort zone.

I often find myself ugly and disgusting, when happy and felicitous I just see a normal face. It is another stark contrast. The awareness of the more attractive is more the root of the problem. The curse of comparison.

1 Like
382

This is what my sister in law did. Just get a normal kitchen certified for use.

Regarding her “oscillating as to what to do”, it’s plainly obvious what you need to do. Make it unmistakable that she “shits or gets off the dunny”. It seems that it’s a case of a bit of tough love. Working through one’s existential angst via debt is a family trait of mine, and I remember clearly the day I was telling a friend of mine about my father’s failed business. He just turned and said “It’s financial mis-management”.

How quickly I felt wronged. Surely all the pain and hurt should get a free ticket? Some compassion?

My father’s life was a mess from the beginning. However, my mother’s compassion enabled him to not only throw away a million dollar inheritance, but left the family with next to nothing. It was only another inheritance from my mother’s side that saved us.

1 Like