Nothing to worry about. All good.
Rum is my friend.
Sneaking in here… My next big milestone is to be a grandfather. None of my sons have announced anything… But, that’s nature.
Only yesterday, i was a teenager.
I want to be the coolest GF, ever. I never had a grandfather, they both died within 2 years of me popping out. Actually free would be my preference as. GF, but “alive and cool” is an acceptable second place.
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Illegally riding my new motorbike around the suburbs was cool. 
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Homunculus. There’s a word for ya!
I’ve been noticing moments when it’s very clearly me choosing to activate a pattern of psychic movement.
Like a faint squirming in my head, a feeling of familiar decisions that i am actively being. I get a picture like an earthworm digging in familiar dirt.
But the bit that strikes me is the idea of truly being an homunculus, like a little person sitting in this skull. Sulking. Squirming. Hiding out.
I can see that i am really choosing things. And it’s not even a hard thing to choose something different, when i see that it’s me doing it all along.
The other thing that has been somewhat helpful is the word “complete”. The universe is complete. Nothing i do can add or take away from it’s completeness.
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I like how you said “the universe is complete”. I’ve never heard it that way before and it rang a bell.
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Realmente libre 
I can’t wait for actualism to spread to different languages - good luck translators of the world!!!
I don’t speak Spanish but should it not be like……actualmente libre? 
Didn’t even know you speak Spanish Andrew 
This is a group of many skills and talents it seems.
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Oh, because of “Felix” I assumed you spoke Spanish 
Yes, “actual freedom” would be “libertad actual” instead of “libertad real”, to maintain the difference that Richard established between “actuality” and “reality”.
@Felix, no, i speak only Aussie, with a bit of Russian.
Just exercising some solidarity with those who must communicate in English, when that isn’t their native tongue. It makes a difference.
@emp was mentioning to me how much of a difference it makes. Almost like being another person when talking the second or third, etc, language.
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The question isn’t really what the belief is, the intricacies of some mode of suffering, but WHY i would choose to engage that routine again.
The official position of Actualism is that i do it to remain me.
So, logically, every single moment is a decision to remain me.
It would, logically, take only one moment, to no longer be me.
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Tears rolled down my face as i listened to my 22 year old have a phone convo with my 20 year old (20th birthday today).
They spoke as friends. In depth. Talking about events in their social circle, talking wisely and with maturity beyond me.
He couldn’t see me, standing at the back door.
I wanted to tell someone. I suppose i now am.
I just let myself acknowledge the years that it took. My father doing his best, my mother doing hers, me doing my best, my ex doing hers.
Here was something we aspire too. Siblings not just getting along, but actively being friends, and great friends at that.
As i get older, i miss my brothers and father more.
Maybe i will decide to stop the silliness of being.
The main obstacle, seems at the moment, to be just how profound it feels to cry.
A veil of tears actually feels better than the emptiness of irrelevance.
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Thats wonderful Andrew 
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@claudiu hi mate, have you had “Rabo de Gala” wine?
Awesome stuff from Portugal.
In other news, I am free of a life long belief in a dark, endless abyss which haunted me since childhood. Quickly following that, I am free of rebellion against authority, especially my own.
Also, nearly free of shame about having children.
I have had a few weeks off. Spent them alone. First time I have ever had time off alone in my life. Surprisingly good. Felt lonely, but worked with the premise that I am not missing other people, I am missing being here and now.
I broke my collar bone in May and messed up my shoulder. Dark times.
Started and quit an oppressive but lucrative job.
Considering swinging a spanner for peanuts just to continue the solitude and let things work themselves out for work.
“If one does what one always did, one will get what one always got”. One of my few favourite sayings.
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“You can’t always get what you want, but if you try, sometimes, you get what you need”
In the real world;
“The only thing worse than not getting what you want, is getting what you want”.
New “happiness equation” being tried out.
Me + Now + Here.
Previously it was Her + Me + More Me.
There are already better results.
It is sinking in that "‘I’ am my feelings (hopes, expectations, dreams, beliefs).
As in without the ‘hope’ of an external cause from her ( and in general), there would be less ‘me’, or as we say, a thinner version of ‘me’.
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This is an amazingly insightful in depth analysis of grief.
The main takeaway for me is the anger, grief, frustration etc isn’t often, for me about what I lost, but about the hope of what I wanted it to be.
The dream of the perfect lover, companion, friend. The perfect job, money, occupation.
But what is it I grieve the most? The passing of me. The time I can’t get back. The inevitability of not being.
так, ( so) , Here Now Me. Me Now Here. Now Me Here. Hear Me Now. Me Hear Now…
Such a playful 3 words and sounds. A command, a suggestion, a playful double meaning.
An assertion. Here Am I. Nothing can take it away except death.
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I was never seeking to be with others, I was looking for myself.
I am the one I was waiting for.
What understanding could another have of me that I can’t have of myself?
In a way, the search for love, is a search for someone who will completely accept and help me.
The futility of the pursuit seems to have come to it’s inexorable end. Nearly.
Or maybe I stand in the valley about to climb that mountain which I had walked around all these years.
Something definitely changed lately. I have been only working 2 days a week, and haven’t been in a relationship for a few months. Talking with my ex girlfriend has been very fruitful for me. Seeing the blame I had for her and her predecessors. Considering for the first time that it was my own rejection of myself that was mirrored in their behaviour towards me. I created the rejection that I was.
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Well said Andrew.