Andrew

Journals
805

Well, I ended up going to bed “early”, which is before midnight.

Sleep was sweet. Dreams processing whatever was there. Flux capacitor… fluxing. :wink:

The knot in my chest resolving almost as soon as I noticed it.

This morning there was some confusion, a feeling that “surely it’s meant to be harder than that?”

Imposing that “world wise” morality on myself sucks.

I am happy that Kuba and Henry seemed to know exactly what to say!

I was pretty vague, posting phrases hoping something was reflecting what the heck is going on!.

(For all those who never post, but are also struggling; give it a go!! It’s a golden age in actualism history to have so many people with genuine intent posting these quality responses).

The whole “world wise” identity, is extremely precise.

It also frees me up to have a name for it.

I was actually reflecting last night on something similar, a verse from the bible that prophecized what the Messiah would be like; “A Man of Sorrow”.

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806

“and what have you sacrificed?”

"Kindness, Kindship, Caring.

Love.

I’ve given up all chance at inner peace. I’ve made my mind a sunless space. I share my dreams with ghosts."

-Luthen Rael, in the TV show ‘Andor,’ talking about what he’s sacrificed for the rebellion.

Sound familiar? :stuck_out_tongue:

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807

No thanks :joy::joy::joy:

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808

@Kub933 @Sonyaxx You are both a huge disappointment to me!! :sob:

I am going to cut you out of my will!

Oh, that’s right…I got nothing.

Oh, well, carry on!!!

809

In other news, today when I was doing nothing at all and decided to nap, I inadvertently was exploring when I fell asleep.

I remembered other sexual abuse that I had no conscious knowledge of.

The assumption would be that such a memory would be upsetting. It was the opposite. It made so much sense, and was something of a relief. I suppose the reason would be I had already been living the psychic reality which those events helped form for over 40 years. A whole layer of guilt and rejection just made sense.

It’s not surprising that the other day, when experiencing the rejection underlying the martyr and world-wise identity that something else would appear.

So indeed it is the case that one can have suppressed memories especially of trauma.

I wonder if the next thing I remember is a PCE?

Fingers crossed. :rofl:

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811

It seems that the topic of “rejection” has come at an opportune time for me.

I am now with a woman I really like. I like her in ways I think are a new “healthy” for me. I find here very interesting to listen to, she has an inquisitive mind and is highly involved in helping others. He professional life revolves around helping others.

She is physically attractive to me, and we get along great in all areas.

However, something has become very apparent now. Something happens to my ability to sexually enjoy myself with a woman I really like. As in when I feel that I want to be with them long term.

My “arousal threshold” becomes sky high.

This may all be a bit to personal, but let’s not forget just how much Richard encouraged exploring sex.

In short, it becomes very difficult to orgasm.

This is not the case with women I don’t have a long term desire to be with.

Now, it’s obviously very important to me that I understand and resolve what is going on.

The obvious difference between the two scenarios is my desire to be with someone in a “committed” way. Somehow, this is triggering an emotional “shut down”.

I suspect it’s an anticipated rejection. A protective reaction.

I can’t rule out that there is something in common with the women this has happened with, something about them. I want to doubt this as the backgrounds are so different, but
everything has to be considered here.

The other thing I noticed was that “love” was already there in me.

This may be the key. Something in the particular reaction I experience as “loving someone”.

I actually had to hold back from blurting it out.

The song by Living Colour “Love rears it’s ugly head” come to mind earlier tonight.

It may be as simple as that. Whenever that feeling is arising, my “protective/possessive” love, I am “shutting down” sensuously.

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812

In my experience it was always that once I had loving feelings towards a girl I would inevitably enjoy sex less, it just brought all this other stuff into the picture which pulled away from the simple enjoyment of sex. So I wonder if what you mention about Love might be the cause, it was for me.

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Boy, do I have a lot to say about this. I think I’ve explored the full gamut of love at this point. When you fall in love with someone, you slowly start singling them out as the “special” one. You create a nice framework in your mind of how this person “really” is. And the mystery is gone. As your beliefs and expectations begin piling on, you venture further and further from the actual person. In fact, you likely see acquaintances much more clearly than this person now.

There is also a fear aspect which may arise later. If you enjoyment now depends on this person, suddenly you have something to lose. You begin holding back. You start hiding parts of yourself. If you start imagining a long-term future, well now you really have something to lose. Actual intimacy dies because you are now scared.

The current solution I am exploring to this is to become fearless/actually intimate with everyone/everything. To become completely naked. And this is bringing back a lot of excitement,

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814

Yes, it’s seems that is the case.

What a shit show hey? Nature’s answer to making me “committed” is broken!

I was wondering that it had something more complex going on, but that information helps a lot.

I would certainly prefer the simplicity of that being the case.

There was multiple moments in our dates which triggered the possessive aspect of love. Things she said which were so aligned with actualism that I went from “this could be a great relationship” to " I must have this at any cost".

It’s feeling like it’s indeed the case.

Well, good chat.:partying_face:

815

It seems any intimacy dies in the face of the potential of losing a person I want “forever”.

Cheers… this is useful.

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This is going to be a great few days looking at being free of this one. :partying_face:

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I think this is a cool observation, the image strengthens and actually the person is experienced through a progressively thicker lens. Hence when love inevitably dies the couples are left looking to ‘spice things up’, maybe a bit of role play here and there eg pretending I just bumped into @Sonyaxx at a bar, “hey stranger” :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: All so that the excitement of meeting someone as if for the first time can be experienced once more. What if it could be like that all the time though.

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818

It something in the ‘commitment’.

The same elevated “arousal threshold” has happened in a long term relationship with someone I wasn’t that attracted to, as with someone I was.

And it happens immediately. It doesn’t build up over time. Straight away on being ‘committed’.

819

Makes sense, once committed she becomes ‘someone in particular’ which means whatever values, morals etc which constitute ‘being committed’ for you all of a sudden swing in complicating things.

For me it is the same, once committed I have to look out for her and take care of her whatever that means lol, I have to make her into some sort of caricature with which I am now interacting thus limiting myself with various morals, and everything becomes less fun.

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820

It’s the weirdest thing that to remove love for your partner is actually a great gift, try selling that to someone! :joy:

821

I am thinking it’s in my expectations.

822

That was a topic at dinner. I nearly fell off my chair when she commented “did you ever think love was the answer?”.

Literally everything I have said (or she has already read on the AFT…yes, she did that) she was already one step ahead.

It’s the most fantastic pressure to really dig in.

Hence not letting this issue slide. Again.

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823

She was already sold…

I am in some really good trouble it would seem.

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824

Aha now there’s no backing out :stuck_out_tongue: I remember when I mentioned about Peter and Vineeto to @Sonyaxx and she said “Could we be like that”? Now I had to put my money where my mouth is. That actualist fantasy became a challenge, to actually live it as opposed to just wishing for it and fantasising of how easy it would be ‘if only I found the right actualist partner’

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