The information that decisions are being made to feel bad has made all the difference.
Very quickly too.
I can see that the automatic decisions to feel bad this last week added up to a shit storm of feeling completely bad.
There was the dating app itself. I hate them.
Specific decisions to feel bad were happening.
When I met her, I wasn’t attracted. There was awareness of this, but no acknowledgement that I felt bad. And so on…
The more I pushed past each semi-conscious decision to feel bad, the more that decision was split from anything I could understand easily, besides the obvious lack of attraction.
I chose to keep going, further into the relationship out of a optimistic actualist ethic of beauty is part of the problem whilst ignoring the growing bad feeling.
The cool part is that the decision to post here was also automatic.
That “part of me” is indeed all of me, really. It’s that I didn’t know what I know now; I am always deciding to feel something.
That’s a radical perspective. That a ‘self’ is a decision. A very “deep” , ancient, and powerful one, but a decision.
I like it a lot.