I noticed in the reported paths to , or during the event of self-immolation itself, the absolute ‘knowing’ that ‘i’ am the issue. The evil in the world. The source of misery and malice.
I decided to explore this, and the first obvious thing is “meta-feelings”, feelings about feelings.
Blame. It’s like a circular disc which I think is going towards someone else, but it’s cutting through me at the same time. The culpability I ascribe to others, after some feeling it out, is my own as well. Expecting “better” from others when the same “better” is lacking in me.
Guilt. Avoiding guilt seems to be natural. Or will be masked by self-recrimination. It’s easier to be angry at oneself than to feel guilty.
I had some success doing some faux “calm-abiding” meditation, I remembered @Srinath exploring"emotional tunnels", as if he could crawl into them and expand them out.
Having had success in previous months looking at the feelings already obvious in my thoughts, I started there. It’s really tricky.
The mental habits of being harsh and critical are immediate and automatically there. I must remind myself to explore, rather than indulge.
It seemed that the “critic/blame” tunnel runs off into the future. Like a pipe leading to more pipes, feeding into a stream of thinking.
It worked to get my inspiration back. I clearly saw the blame holding me in place, dragging me down. I got off the couch and went to the gym as it was clear that it all starts with looking after one’s body.
There was also, but this was yesterday, a peace I found in seeing the “predator who thinks it’s a victim” dynamic in my recent ex. Which quickly I could see in myself.
Like Annie Lennox sang; “the greatest coward can hurt the most ferociously”.