My partner is younger than me and likes to go out a lot more than I do, and I realized yesterday night that I’m really enjoying being domestic at this stage in my life… organizing shelves… burning candles… it’s not to be sniffed at lol
This reminds me of a couple weeks ago, we and @Kub933 realizing, ‘are we allergic to doing what’s sensible?’
You do it for yourself, not because ‘society tells you to.’
As spotted by Solvann, it wasn’t this. Certainly not in some deliberate “i shall now explore this territory properly, using the scientific method, for the good of humanity”.
More like;, i took an ego hit, and felt the reality of having overinflated my smv, having not been prepared to accept that i, like every other person, does not get to “have it all”, and that i have to go through some blows to my delusional and fragile ego, to otherwise unravel my compliant, yet broken soul.
Feel the burn, without running this time.
“If you don’t want to talk, you don’t want to try.”
Nothing particular about anyone, just an observation about life.
Having said that, the participation of those interested in actualism is piss poor. Seems to me, we need another Vietnam. No worries, i have no doubt the real world has one lined up.
Trying to pin down a feeling and it disappeared.
Contemplating dying, and the world/universe rolling on forever without me.
I don’t know what this feeling is.
It disappeared.
Forever without me. Really? How could forever not need me?
Oh, oh!
Brain wave idea… Must write down.
“I have had/can have peak experiences even with a fat belly” (any objections etc).
Circle back, see what is the object of ‘myself’ and remember that i have had/can have peak experiences in spite of this ‘objection’, because i have. Fact.
With
are you describing the meandering of thoughts, or is it a reflection/pondering about your physical condition vs. the ability to have EEs, to feel good in spite of that, etc.?
That was just a thought that popped into my head at work.
I was just logging in to post the next thought;
I am not going to get anywhere with my current MO. Or maybe i will. Just a thought.
Every peak experience i ever had was when i was really, really trying. Or going through something.
I had a really nice walk this evening. Through a suburb i hadn’t ever really explored. Interesting sights and lovely discoveries.
I am liking this experiment. Going back the the thought “peak experiences” and just going with the new place the thought has moved too, without really trying to move it.
There is a hopeless feeling, but then again, since when was hope/or hopeless a prerequisite for success in actualism?
Oh, OK.
I asked because I related it to a particular experience, when during a long PCE/EE certain chronic stomach/abdominal discomfort was getting much worse, and I was pleased to see that I could continue at least in EE in spite of the physical discomfort.
@Andrew great idea to go with what worked for you before. You have to find your own way of getting into a PCE, rather than focussing too much on what someone else said. I think walking around a new suburb can definitely trigger a PCE
@Miguel Yes, that’s bean the theme of where the thought is moving too; any point in time, no matter what i am feeling is just as likely for a peak experience. There is a new direction in all of this. A smooth, almost lazy feeling, as in “no, i must be really really trying”, however i can see it is a new direction. Unexplored.
A naivete towards the thought itself, that nothing i am currently feeling can really lock me out, unless i choose for it to be a reason.
It’s definitely a “neither express or repress” feeling. I can feel stark, hopeless, hopeful, whatever. Trying to change the TRex into a poodle isn’t going to work. The TRex has to decide to engage naivete, allow the comet, embrace the extinction. Embrace a world without 'dinosaurs. '.
The feeling of the universe rolling on without me.
R. E. M. “it’s the end of the world as we know it, and i feel fine” 
The real world is everywhere.
Which is the world i otherwise think is all in my head…
I think this is the bit i have been missing. The real world is everywhere. Everything i see, touch, smell, taste etc, is all ‘real’.
I have been taking everything personally.
@Srinath mentioned something like “knowing the shape of me”, which got me thinking about all the ‘me’ that i still hoped was other than it is.
Emotionally accepting ‘women’, emotionally accepting ‘work’ emotionally accepting the ‘crows’ that won’t stop cawing outside my window.
It’s all ‘real’. And it isn’t personal. This is the world that ‘i’ live in and the world i am encouraged to enjoy and appreciate.
Seems so obvious. I can see why it didn’t occur to me though. The default is to take everything personally. That is the nature of ‘self’. It’s observable in history. It didn’t rain? It must be ‘our’ fault. ‘we’ should kill something or someone to appease ‘god’.
I can see why enlightenment is an danger.
I, OTOH, love crows cawing. Their sounds enliven the environment. I can’t relate when people say crows vocalisations are annoying. There is something psychological about it.
In contrast to the above, I can’t bear the sound of metal rubbing metal producing a rough screeching or raucous sound. But that’s not a big deal for many. 
I’ve been on a journey through a whole genre of music i only had a cursory enjoyment of; hip hop and rap.
It’s been a week, and it’s quarter past one in the morning; smiling my ass of watching Outkast videos.
It’s funny, Eminem and I are the same age. Watching vicariously his struggles with identity in his mid forties is like watching a worm on the stark pavement of impending death, trying to find the moist dirt it once was so at home in.
Such a cool trip.
For those playing at home, i have three “black” sons. Half me, half Ghana. Music, dance, and genius artists are the life blood of being “black”. It’s funny being so “black” in white skin, watching artists who are so “white” in black skin.
So again, something is coming in from left field.
Something about how i construe actualism.
This is my world. No ‘squotes’, no need for analysis or definition. This world i perceive in whatever way i perceive it is the world i am encouraged to “enjoy and appreciate”.
I have said it before, over the last decade many times, but for me there was always something very “Christian” about the way i construed actualism.
‘self’ = bad, evil, the devil.
“actual” = good, holy, god.
I always had a hard time reading Richard talk about the ‘self’ being rotten.
I think i would have benefited greatly being able to live in proximity of other actualists, and actually free people. What i construed was never the point.
The discussion about what is actual, what is real, what is an illusion, (if illusion is even a thing), how anything exists etc, is really beside the point.
The point is; whatever world this is, however it exists or doesn’t, is the world i am encouraged to enjoy, appreciate, and otherwise feel good in. In the most happy and harmless way possible.
If i ever actually manage to have a definitive PCE, it will be because i no longer construe this as some “good vs evil” battle, when i no longer see myself on either side. When i stop seeing this as something i must do out of some duty, and the sensibility of continuous enjoyment is my 100% goal.
I remember hold my father’s hand, not long before he died of cancer. He encouraged me to, hmm, i can’t remember exactly, something about accepting Jesus…
I just realised that Richard cared more for me when he was “telling me off” than my own father in his dying weeks. He actually cared that I felt good. That was the whole point.
So my three sons are my best friends.
Had a conversation with my middle son just now. We were both slapping our thighs with how similar our relationship with women is. 
Even though there is 25 years difference in the age of our girlfriends, just how identical the experience is in the way they treat us. Amazing.
No one really grows up. It’s the same program, ad nauseum. Hilarious when two men, father and son, with 26 years between them, can relate to exactly the same experience happening now.
In short, pimp or be pimped. That is the question.