It is an emotional perfectionism.
I reject anything which is less than perfect, in the instant. I am of course, squarely in the crosshairs of my own instantaneous rejection.
I have been, for my whole life criticised and praised simultaneously for being immensely talented and immensely lazy.
I know enough, especially from my last relationship, that this is symptomatic of the type of circumstances that breed personality disorders.
I can’t really say enough how crippling it is.
I also feel guilty that I would make such an excuse !
Stop being so lazy, reach your potential!
The flip side is also there, which is the nihilism of efforts making any difference to the final outcome of anything; pain, fear and death.
It is possible that as I am so immediately familiar with death, having buried my own daughter, my father , my brother and lost another who was never found to be buried, that there is the overwhelming impression that all efforts are “pissing into the wind”.
That doesn’t explain why I felt it at two years old. However, my father had one of those horrible lives you read about, so it’s entirely possible I have psychically been living out his drama my whole life.