I guess I can do better than that.
The last few weeks, after Vineeto pointed out that all me religious fears were essentially the “eat or be eaten” fears of blind nature, I had the experience of “popping out” the other side of the bulbous growth that religious belief is in my life.
Like some vine infected along its length with a parasite, all that heightened dramatic and complex Dante’s circles of hell, was seen as an inflammatory response.
My question is; how does one care enough about oneself to do anything about one’s happiness?
Edit; I really can’t remember if that was the question, It’s very weird what happens as soon as I go to type here, I loose whatever clarity I had.
Very frustrating.
It’s something about how I can completely want someone else to be free, I really hate seeing people suffering, but when it comes to me, I would easily just kill myself.
I am not suicidal, or contemplating killing myself. It’s just the feeling that anything that could move me to be in a place where my happiness matters, is a courage I don’t have.
In the moment. I can’t shift towards this type of happiness, or naïveté, or even get a step towards it.
It’s been nothing more that a good feeling attached to a realisation. That’s all. 12 years of that being the pinnacle.
Haha. I was watching the cursor blink and remembered talking my Russian girlfriend into staying in our relationship after starting the message with “I am watching the cursor blink…”
If only I was so passionately inclined into talking myself into what is I am involved in discussing here!
I would have done it years ago!! Haha