Vineeto to JesusCarlos: Longing “for recognition” is not something superficial, it is an inbuilt feature of the human condition. You not only “long for recognition”, ‘you’ need it for ‘your’ very existence. ‘You’, the identity’, being a contingent ‘being’, cannot exist on ‘your’ own – ‘you’ require constant confirmation to justify and confirm ‘your’ existence, else ‘your’ non-substantial nature will become apparent. With this comes a desire to hide and a fear of being exposed as a fraud, an impostor. I remember feeling being ‘Vineeto’s’ reaction to this alarming discovery quite well.
Andrew: This helps me understand how I am also doing this behaviour. It is as Richard put it
Richard: “One sets them free of ‘my’ graceless demands … ‘my’ endless neediness born out of being alone in the world.”
Andrew: I do in other ways. Obviously, I chose at some point to single out my mother’s style of demanding recognition as being particularly obnoxious, but I do this very thing in my own way.
The demand for recognition, especially when I am successful at something has always been strong. On the flip side, the demand to be acknowledged when I am doing badly, or failing. (…)
This has stopped the proliferation of my excuses and anger into multiple directions. Having this as the overarching premise, I can remember now that this trigger is essentially believing that I am better than others because I don’t do this demand for acknowledgement in one certain way (like my mother), but I am doing it all the same! (link)
Hi Andrew,
So you had some good pickings and insights – don’t forget them as the desire for recognition doesn’t disappear in a day. ‘I’/ ‘me’ being an ultimately fictitious entity, only kept in place by swirling passions, is by its very nature inexhaustibly voracious to be substantiated and confirmed over and over again by recognition from feeling beings including yourself.
Hence the “background feeling of rawness” you were experiencing.
Andrew: Last night and today I was back to feeling good. Had a lovely time with my mother for her birthday, and interacted with new freshness with my colleagues.
There is a background feeling of rawness as I sort through all that was triggered at once.
It was the ‘mother load’, if you will; converging and well repressed resentment, rebellion, pride, sexism, financial irresponsibility, practical injustice, false loyalty, peasant mentality, entitlement. An exposé of petty demands, and a display that my “precious” is SO much more “precious” than anyone else’s.
This is a great recognition and pinpointing of feelings associated with the need/ the desire for recognition. This acknowledgement and enumeration will serve you well to discern and dismantle instances of those feelings when they appear. Don’t give up until you have recognized and abandoned them all as ‘furphies’.
Andrew: I took my mother out to where my father used to, KFC by the river and watch the sunset. She was very happy to be there. I have noticed that she will light up when I am playful and spontaneous like my father was.
My co-workers were thoroughly listened to, with full attention and a well-timed joke. Again, a playful Andrew seems to be quite popular. (link)
An excellent outcome of your investigations – being “playful and spontaneous” can become your new default way of being when you pay diligent affective attention to any diminishment of this enjoyment, ease and appreciation.
Cheers Vineeto