Thank Vineeto,
I thought twice about using the word “ruthless”, and decided it was appropriate because it did not feel personal.
Though, now I think in this moment, a feeling of a very young ‘self’ learning this habit to ‘survive’ does need the space to explore without any ruthless over-tones.
I spent many spare moments contemplating how to approach this, without devolving in yet another ‘intellectualism’.
Gentleness, and knowledge that I will fail, and will try again, seems the way forward.
Because of the way this habit squashes feelings, and the way it easily seems to be intelligent to think in certain ways, it’s quite tricky.
I had a reasonable day. This contemplating was continually there.
What is intellectualisation? Am I doing it now?
How does that thing I am looking at seem? Do I seem closer to it? Or am I further away? Is there the feeling of excitement still there? Did I forget already?
Am I lost now, or am I exploring something new?
The trap of ‘intellectualisation’ is just how thorough it is. How completely it takes over.
I am encouraged that it’s going to take more than a casual effort to make headway, because something about it is “all encompassing”.
The very word “intellectualisation” is one of the English words that sounds like what it describes! Like “Splash”, or “Discombobulated”. 
I like that in all these years there is a single word I can go back to and say, “this has been so much of ‘my’ existence, most of my waking moments! I wonder what life will be like on the other side of it?”
I appreciate what you said after Richard died, that there was an opening to push through. You didn’t use those words, something to the effect of making the most of an opportunity.
There really is something happening.
I won’t speculate though.
Cheers
Andrew