Andrew: Thanks Vineeto.
It is a fact that ‘I’ am cunning. So many really useful insights will slip away, but now I wonder how much is slipping away and how much '‘I’ push away.
This topic of fear is an example. I was sitting here knowing that I had seen something about this yesterday. Yet, it took a good while to finally remember.
That was I have been expressing the feelings towards the future, and judgement, and the fantasies and rumination, but I push away any specific thing as the object.
So, instead of being specific, as in I am afraid that I will give away what I worked hard for, and really going into that, I have been onto the next thought.
Classic intellectualisation.
The feeling of fear is covered over and not admitted, instead there will be a fantasy to calm it down. Often an “ivory tower” one. Where I have successfully achieved some endeavour and will be magnanimous in give others bread crumbs.
So, instead of admitting that I am easily manipulated, and that is what I am afraid of, because I am afraid of being angry at anyone because I am not strong enough to battle most people. That I just don’t admit I am afraid, and skip straight to some compensatory fantasy or rumination, is a big part of how I am afraid of feeling afraid.
I will feel it out more, but I wanted to write down so to remind myself to be specific about the object of fear, and let myself feel it and get further into the facts. (link)
Hi Andrew,
Isn’t it great that when you contemplate and reflect and become more and more fascinated that you can find out a lot about how you operate and come to a valid conclusion, to wit: “I just don’t admit I am afraid, and skip straight to some compensatory fantasy or rumination, is a big part of how I am afraid of feeling afraid”.
In this very sentence is the recognition and admission that you are indeed “afraid of feeling afraid”.
Now that you uncovered and verified the fact of the matter you can act. You can dare to not fight the feeling of being afraid.
Of course, in order to summon the necessary courage, you need a sincere motivation to do so.
Could this motivation be that you would like to feel good now?
Would you perhaps like to become happy and harmless (instead of fighting yourself or rebelling against anything that tickles your fancy)?
Do you like the possibility that you then more likely feel good in what you call ‘the future’?
Or, even more, would you like to devote your life to something worthwhile?
All this is possible if you sincerely want it – and take the first step, the first action, on the fact which you discovered – “I am afraid of feeling afraid”.
This time, don’t allow the habit of being “easily manipulated”, or skipping “straight to some compensatory fantasy or rumination” to distract you from this first action towards a more peaceful life. The action to feel the fear without fighting your initial impulse to fight the feeling.
Cheers Vineeto