Thanks Vineeto.
It is a fact that ‘I’ am cunning. So many really useful insights will slip away, but now I wonder how much is slipping away and how much '‘I’ push away.
This topic of fear is an example. I was sitting here knowing that I had seen something about this yesterday. Yet, it took a good while to finally remember.
That was I have been expressing the feelings towards the future, and judgement, and the fantasies and rumination, but I push away any specific thing as the object.
So, instead of being specific, as in I am afraid that I will give away what I worked hard for, and really going into that, I have been onto the next thought.
Classic intellectualisation.
The feeling of fear is covered over and not admitted, instead there will be a fantasy to calm it down. Often an “ivory tower” one. Where I have successfully achieved some endeavour and will be magnanimous in give others bread crumbs.
So, instead of admitting that I am easily manipulated, and that is what I am afraid of, because I am afraid of being angry at anyone because I am not strong enough to battle most people. That I just don’t admit I am afraid, and skip straight to some compensatory fantasy or rumination, is a big part of how I am afraid of feeling afraid.
I will feel it out more, but I wanted to write down so to remind myself to be specific about the object of fear, and let myself feel it and get further into the facts.
Cheers