This is Adam Bieber. Wish I could change my username to Adam but I picked mine on a whim. If there is anyway to do that, please let me know.
I thought I would begin a journal because while I am not too fond of replying on threads, Actualism is still of great interest to me. I put it on the back burner (and continue to do so) for the last few years because I have material desires that are extremely strong and I want to fulfill. I realized that I must fulfill these desires, some very practical but I think a journal is a great way for me to discuss my thoughts and experiences regarding life, the universe, and actualism.
I have had a handful of PCE’s and see those experiences as what is possible.
So, I will start my first journal entry musing on happiness. For a long while, I placed a high bar on happiness maybe confusing it with delight. Now, I see that happiness is more in line with simple consistent contentment and pleasure and the absence of sorrow and malice. I see it as more attainable as such.
I also find this “Unless one is willing to contemplate being happy and being harmless, virtually free of malice and sorrow, 99% of the time” line from Richard to be a thrilling challenge.
Pure intent has always been my strongest “skill” or better yet stable companion. I can use it to be happy and harmless more often. As a reread lines on the actualism website, I have new realizations that seem to come from more life experience.
A helpful distinction for me was to distinguish between happiness as a passion and happiness as a mood. It’s impossible to be passionately happy for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. But to maintain it as a matter of mood and even eventually character, is eminently attainable.
Thought I’d provide an update to this journal. I am going to write in short paragraphs to establish points of interest.
Firstly, my interest in Actualism is still very much present. Other pursuits became dominant but my interest in Actualism and my ability to access pure intent has always been there.
The desire to achieve wealth and the desire to mate (for lack of a better term) was so strong and all pervasive that I could not put them aside to give undivided attention to the actualism method.
One thing that has changed is that I am now going to law school. This means instead of battling the ups and downs of business ventures I started, I will have a more predictable path to support myself. This will allow one major issue, the uncertainty of how I will make a living, and it’s stresses to be greatly decreased.
In terms of dating, I have developed some confidence and clarity in this area. And while I am still exploring dating, relationships, and my sexuality, it is not the same cause of distress and confusion for me. That combination of financial insecurity and a confusion over dating with the extreme desire of it all made it difficult for me to pursue the actualism method without sorting the other stuff out.
As these two things become a little clearer, a pursuit of feeling good and enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive is easier to pay attention too without distraction. The certainty of knowing a more predictable path in terms of financial health and a better understanding of dating has removed some of the stresses and severity of desires that seemed so overwhelming.
Not sure if these issues sound silly, but they seemed to direct so much of my attention.
So I look too feeling good and enjoying it and learning more about the human condition in me to make progress toward habitually being happy and harmless. There are some issues that I feel maybe only time and experience (such as learning the redundance of love) can solve but that doesn’t mean I can’t make progress toward being happy and harmless.
Great to see you writing on the forum again and also that you report significant progress.
Adam: Firstly, my interest in Actualism is still very much present. Other pursuits became dominant but my interest in Actualism and my ability to access pure intent has always been there.
The desire to achieve wealth and the desire to mate (for lack of a better term) was so strong and all pervasive that I could not put them aside to give undivided attention to the actualism method.
It’s interesting that you should think that when there is a “desire to mate” (just to take one point for simplicity) that you cannot apply the actualism method on this topic. Yet this is exactly what Richard meant when he said –
Richard: “Actual freedom works in the market place … there is no meditating in silence or living in a monastery shut away from the world. There are no celibacy or obedience requirements […]” (Irene, 6 Oct 1998).
In fact, I had several reports from a practicing actualist of having outstanding success how this very topic, the “desire to mate”, provided them with valuable insights to their affective ups and downs in their endeavour via paying diligent attention and affective awareness, and how sincere contemplation and ongoing affective attention revealed many secrets how their mind ticks on this issue and which triggers caused a diminishment to feeling good, which they then rectified with sensible action. They reported that a good dose of naiveté is invaluable help – i.e. to allow oneself to be naïve (even allow oneself to feel gauche or foolish), like a child again but with adult sensibilities. With naiveté they could then discover the see-saw of expectations and disappointments and replace them with more naïve and sensible choices.
For instance, you have the option, when experiencing strong desire, to experiment with neither suppressing nor expressing it but allowing the third alternative to hove into view (such as described here). In this way the strong affective/ instinctual energy can transition into naïve and felicitous affective energy.
Adam: In terms of dating, I have developed some confidence and clarity in this area. […]
Not sure if these issues sound silly, but they seemed to direct so much of my attention.
So I look too feeling good and enjoying it and learning more about the human condition in me to make progress toward habitually being happy and harmless. There are some issues that I feel maybe only time and experience (such as learning the redundance of love) can solve but that doesn’t mean I can’t make progress toward being happy and harmless. (link)
Of course, these issues are not “silly” at all as they are part and parcel of the core of the instinctual passions, and as such most people experience similar issues as yourself. It is excellent that you “developed some confidence and clarity in this area” and that you are now more confident to be able to pay attention to enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive and will be able to catch what triggers any diminishment of an ongoing enjoyment and appreciation.
It is such a thrilling adventure to explore how ‘I’ tick and move towards more and more feeling good → feeling great in the sincere pursuit to further the habit of “being happy and harmless”.
Feeling being ‘Vineeto’ used to call it the best game in town.
I had a wonderful and enlightening experience the other day. I am studying for my LSAT to go to law school and the studying is quite intensive. So I was walking to take a break and clear my head. There is a park with a beautiful river and the day was beautiful. I wanted to quiet my mind awhile. During this time, what seemed like the “I” disappeared and I was enmeshed in the environment. Enmeshed in my beautiful surroundings. This was not a PCE and probably not even an EE, just a break from the “I” for a while.
Firstly, the scene around me was beautiful and peaceful. Everything was nice as it is. There was not the reality of "I’ constantly talking to myself but simply me in the environment. With just this environment, there was nothing wrong and nothing to compare anything too. Secondly, the absence of “I” and it pumping emotions into me, allowed pure intent to caress me with pleasure. I enjoyed the site of the scene and the feelings of pleasure in my body.
It was very peaceful and the the complaints of humanity seemed an exaggeration as the scene itself was what there was and there was nothing wrong with the scene, only something to enjoy. Also, without “I” yapping, my intelligence was free to optimally function. I experienced a heightened sense of intelligence just from nothing interfering with it. It was like I was incredibly intelligent effortlessly. It was an intelligence free of a complaining “I” and so it operated so well.
Next, I realized that there is this narrative that the “I” is constantly attentive too. The narrative changes based the whatever is happening or whatever I am focused on, but the “I” yammers away, often fear-based, and it steals all the attention. It also pumps me with a synoynmous emotion, be it unease or fear or whatever else. It’s like “put on” and when removed, then one’s attention is on a peaceful atmosphere. This narrative “I” is optional. Sure, there are things I deem important and focus on but it doesn’t change that there is way to live dominated by “I” and a way to live not dominated by “I”, at least in this very moment.
Anyway, I look forward to more experiences where the atmosphere itself indicates peace.
I would definitely like to eliminate anxiety out of my life. It is so central to the experience of being human and central to my day to day. The mind automatically focuses on “problems” and “worries”. It really puts a damper on living.
I think the way I will do it is by training my mind to enjoy this moment over focusing on worry or training myself to feel good. Anxiety is such a pain in the ass. The are matter of fact solutions to most problems in my life. Sometimes, these problems (or situations) takes months to resolve and that is something I need to be ok with. Also, are they even problem? Or are they just they way things unfold, not happening instantaneously but months in development?
I really do want to put a focus on getting rid of anxiety in my life. It is redundant and painful. Life is better without fear. I think focusing on feeling good when I feel worry as well as removing worry type thoughts is a good start. Things are ok and that is a weird way of getting used to because “i” am so used to obsessing over worries and desires. One has to get used to not worrying and feel ok being ok in this moment.
Adam: I would definitely like to eliminate anxiety out of my life. It is so central to the experience of being human and central to my day to day. The mind automatically focuses on “problems” and “worries”. It really puts a damper on living.
I think the way I will do it is by training my mind to enjoy this moment over focusing on worry or training myself to feel good. Anxiety is such a pain in the ass. The are matter of fact solutions to most problems in my life. Sometimes, these problems (or situations) takes months to resolve and that is something I need to be ok with. Also, are they even problem? Or are they just they way things unfold, not happening instantaneously but months in development?
Hi Adam,
Perhaps the reason why you haven’t been successful to “eliminate anxiety” so far is because you blame “the mind” and attempt this “by training my mind”.
However, you cannot train “the mind” because it is your feelings which are responsible for feeling anxious. To understand your habitual pattern and stop feeding it, you need to grasp that ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feeling are ‘me’ – ‘your’ feelings are not something out there removed from ‘you’ that can be pushed into a different position like chess figures, nor is “your mind”.
Here Richard, or rather his co-respondent explains this in detail –
Respondent: “… incidentally, Richard, how can they be ‘an hereditary occurrence’ and be of my choosing at the same time?” Richard: “You do comprehend that you are your feelings/ your feelings are you (‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’) do you not? Viz.:
• [Respondent]: ‘It has taken me a hell of a long time to understand the difference between having feelings and being those feelings. Because I have not clearly understood this, I’ve never quite got the hang of paying attention to feelings without praise or blame, and without notions of innocence and culpability, right and wrong, etc getting in the way.
This makes things very interesting. The moment I regard my ‘self’ as ‘having’ a feeling, I’m split down the middle and there’s a secondary reaction on the part of the social identity (an urge to “do something” about the feeling, which in turn evokes more feelings, and so on). Conversely, if I recognise that I am the feeling, it most often dissolves into thin air – and usually pretty quickly too.
This is great. It’s especially helpful with regard to anger and frustration which have been two of my biggest hurdles to date. Previously, when I caught myself being angry, annoyed or frustrated, identifying and paying attention to this feeling would NOT cause it to disappear. On the contrary, the feeling and the awareness of myself as ‘having’ it would sometimes become like a microphone and amplifier locked into a screaming feedback loop.
I’m really pleased that this is no longer happening. It seems almost too easy’. [emphasis in original]. (28/10/2004).
Adam: I really do want to put a focus on getting rid of anxiety in my life. It is redundant and painful. Life is better without fear. I think focusing on feeling good when I feel worry as well as removing worry type thoughts is a good start. Things are ok and that is a weird way of getting used to because “I” am so used to obsessing over worries and desires. One has to get used to not worrying and feel ok being ok in this moment. (link)
You say “‘I’ am so used to obsessing over worries and desires” – so there you have one thing to pay attention to – the habit of worrying itself. Whenever you notice that habitual worrying is sole reason of feeling anxious, you can decline right away and get back to feeling good. When you find there is more than a habit why you worry – some desired result not likely to happen, for instance – you get back to feeling good and then contemplate if the desired result is worth the worry, if the worry would make it more likely to happen, and if it is worth spoiling your day.
As you rightly say “one has to get used to not worrying and feel ok being ok in this moment” – it’s a good realization but you have to actualize this understanding and address each worrying moment one at a time, until the habit is replaced by appreciating of being alive, and of course with enjoying each moment of being alive (not just being ok).
Me and @Sonyaxx were talking about this yesterday. We were watching Love Island (a reality TV dating show), one of the couples in the show were split up and the man went on a date with a new potential partner. When he came back he was quick to point out that “nothing has changed etc” and yet it was clear to Sonya and I that something in him has shifted already. Then within a day or so he was all of a sudden contemplating leaving his current partner for this new potential partner - that huge “body of the iceberg” submerged under the water (and as if invisible to ‘him’ as the ‘doer’) had been working away, things were in motion this whole time.
Of course ‘he’ could then come up with new explanations (as the ‘doer’) as to why he now decided to switch partners etc but this is northing but the little ‘me’ in the head pretending to run the show, coming up with theories and explanations after things have already shifted.
What me and Sonya saw in him when he was back from the date is that regardless of what the little ‘me’ in the head has come up with in way of explanation, there was the entirety of ‘his’ being which had already shifted. ‘He’ was ‘being’ those feelings, even though ‘he’ was completely blind to it, as such ‘he’ could not be sincere.
I thought of that flavour of belief where emotions are seen as merely physical symptoms, that fear is only the heart speeding up etc. Of course this cannot work! This is picking one tiny aspect (the physical symptoms associated with an emotion) and ignoring an entire mountain of what the emotion really is. And this is the ‘normal’ order of operations, that ‘I’ as the ‘doer’ am looking at these emotions as if they are something ‘out there’ for ‘me’ to control, without realising that ‘my’ roots are those very emotions.
I thought then that a useful way to look at emotions is to consider them as states of ‘being’, they are not merely these annoying things ‘over there’ to be controlled, rather an emotion is like a “pattern” that the entirety of ‘my’ being can morph into. This is clear when someone is deeply in love for example, that it is not just the heart speeding up etc rather the entirety of the person’s ‘being’ has shifted in line with those loving feelings, they are ‘being’ those feelings.
I thought this is why some people who are very sensitive/perceptive to these things can be believed to be mediums etc. Why there is so much ‘human’ interaction that happens as if invisibly to the ‘me’ as the ‘doer’. Also why it takes daring to interact with Actually free individuals, because all that “body of the iceberg” is out in the open and ‘I’ (as the little ‘me’ in the head) knows that the game ‘I’ am playing is being seen through.
The conclusion is that realising that ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’ is what allows one to shift into ‘being’ the felicitous and innocuous feelings instead. But this requires that one “discovers one’s roots”, this takes sincerity, and even better naiveté. So here is the catch, that most people are too invested in continuing to exist as this separated ‘doer’, ‘he’ has way too much pride to step back and expose this “body of the iceberg” that ‘he’ had separated ‘himself’ from. And yet this is exactly what ‘he’ needs to do in order to begin unraveling the mess that ‘he’ is caught in.
This is also why it can be somewhat refreshing to interact with children and animals, because they have not developed the capacity for this deception yet (or not at all in terms of animals). Whatever feeling is happening ‘they’ are ‘being’ that feeling, hence children can so easily come out of one feeling into another.
I remember the last time I was hanging out with my half brother (who is 7), he naively ran across and sort of plopped himself on me and continued playing some game on his phone. His naiveté was not only in how he dealt with emotions but I could experientially sense it through his touch, it was utterly unplanned, unrehearsed and sweet to witness.
The other thing that I observe from watching this show is that the people who are able to be more sincere and perhaps even a little naive tend to have much more fulfilling and beneficial interactions with others all around. The one’s that could be described as “mature adults” are locked in a perverse pattern of deception, which is not only harmful to others but to themselves. And indeed there is something so refreshing in interacting with a sincere/naive person, because this game of deception is played by all and yet deep down nobody wants to continue playing it!
The sincere/naive person is as if waving a flag that reads “the game does not have to be played anymore, it is safe”.