Hi everyone,
A lot has happened in my life, especially in the last two years that I figured it is time to make a fresh start.
Where I am
Since childhood I’ve developed a defensive social identity shell, that pretty much caused me to ‘butt in’ with people from time to time. Along with it came a compensatory superiority complex. And general detachment from ‘normal’ life (which, incidentally, made me successful in my career) out of resentment of ‘normies’. The last month in particular caused that defensive shell to break down, exposing the whole morass of feelings that I was never prepared to deal with, such that I experienced a near-constant panic these last two weeks.
I didn’t want this to repeat again, so instead of retreating back to the shell (and use “actualism” to support it), I decided to thoroughly explore my social identity. I exposed the various beliefs and feelings, all the way to resentment in social hierarchies. When I realized that resentment is simply the vertical distance in these hierarchies, it dissolved giving way to fellowship regard; and I could finally like others, because they too are like me (under the spell of blind nature), and thus I can like myself.
But I can still regress and lose interest and go back to the old ways. Plus, social identity exploration still felt ‘heavy’ and sudorific to me. So, I figured it is best to allow some PCEs now and use that as lodestone. This is what I’m focused on now, and I’d like to start journal here.
Zulip
All the above also played a part in my online actualism interactions. I was rarely interested in actually practicing the method on a consistent basis. Instead, the group became a “tribe” I could safely belong to and feel superior about, something I couldn’t in the “normal” groups out there. A lot of intellectual masturbation transpired, and I rarely acknowledged my feelings with sincerity. My biggest regret is to not use the 2013 Ballina trip to explore it all; instead, I withdrew further into my shell and blamed Jon out of resentment.
On Zulip, I was spending too much time on offtopic on the then-fashionable topics (COVID, election) inconsiderately distracting other members from what the forum was set up for. When I was asked to ‘hand over the keys’ (Srinath asking me to step down as owner/moderator), I felt threatened because the ‘kingdom’ I had carefully built over the years was on the verge of ‘mutiny’ by the ‘serfs’ (thanks to Craig for this analogy). And so, out of rage, I burned the whole place down.
I can’t imagine how y’all must have felt after that. But I’m glad to see that this place exists, with a better ambiance than Zulip, not to mention Vineeto’s helpful ongoing participation. If you have any question that would help resolve any leftover ‘tension’ here, such that we can all move forward into helping one another achieve actual freedom, I’d be happy to answer them within reasonable limits.
cheers,
-srid
