So, i have been running a question for a week or two; “what am i waiting for?” which has been very interesting. All sorts of things it turns out.
Tonight, whilst walking in the park, i started thinking about how i can never seem to close the circle on these things, these ponderings and inquiries. For example, i have also been thinking about “time” a lot; time being central to “waiting”.
It started to dawn on me, that the very ‘waiting’ is the sense of ‘being’. Which is an interesting hypothesis ; There is no actual ‘me’, so what is it that ‘i’ am? Am ‘i’ simply the longing to ‘be’? Am ‘i’ a psychic verb? A ‘doing’ , which in the ‘doing’ is the only ‘being’ it will ever be. The circular nature of this type of question, is quite interesting.
As an hypothesis, it should be testable and the hypothesis should make predictions about it’s subject.
So, the hypothesis predicts that if the is no ‘being’, (as in something like a rock, which can be located, and doesn’t require any action to remain a rock), then ‘waiting’, ‘longing’, 'desiring ', ‘fearing’ etc are the only things to be observed.
‘i’ seem to ‘be’, but when i try to find something about ‘me’ that is a ‘core’, or something that isn’t otherwise a movement towards a time, place or person i long for in the future , or a longing for a time, person, or place long gone, then it seems to be true that there is no ‘being’ other than the ‘desiring’ to ‘be’.
It really is this constant hum, a buzzing of activity always out of observation, but annoyingly persistent. I have noticed that i am always waiting. Asking that question for the last while, and it is clear that there is ‘waiting’ going on all the ‘time’.
Laat Friday, walking in the same path, I cried for a good few laps, as one of the things i saw i was waiting for was those who have gone away to return. My late father and brothers especially.
Perhaps this ‘waiting’ thing is the main ‘flavour’ of my ‘selfing’ habit. I push down any emotion around it, as if by being good, not getting upset, by patiently ‘waiting’ my father will return. (for context, my father was a truck driver who would be away for months at a time, himself having lived a tragic life in many ways). It seems that it is the flavour of my family.
However, there is an absurdity also in all the waiting, beyond the impossibility of the dead returning ; and that is the ‘seeking’ of approval which goes along with it.
This came up very strongly in the last few months at work. Especially, as i started asking myself the “what am i waiting for?”.
There has been a lot of tension at work. I seem to be one of the hardest workers there, yet the bosses have been taking out their frustrations on me. (it probably wasn’t just me, but i had been taking it personally). It lead to the realisations about my father. My partner had reminded me about our situation is often a ‘mirror’, and we can create the situations we think are unfair etc.
I took that to heart, because i had previously (months ago) determined that i would learn how to be patient at work, and not angrily quit (in my own mind it seemed that learning patience, genuinely being patient, would be better than my previous MO).
Anyway, that’s enough thumb ballet for now.