I see you replying Henry. 
Be sure to read the final version.
As I was reading your last paragraph I was kicked into a level of current-time awareness, but not PCE… some form of ASC, maybe ‘me’ being aware that 'it is now. But it did have a different character than ‘normal.’
I could see that running off for something intellectual is a way that I have ‘answers’ for certain situations, as a way of ‘pinning things down’ and maintaining my internal-mental status as ‘good.’ This means exiting ‘now.’
The current-time apprehension that it is now, now, and that it is always now, does give me motivation to enjoy right-now (and the always-now), but there still is feeling. It doesn’t quite ‘automatically’ get rid of ‘me,’ ‘being,’ right now. It reveals some of the silliness of ‘being’ when I could be enjoying. There is still ‘me’ wanting to ‘prepare’ for ‘something in the future’ via feeling-being. That’s interesting. I have more to dig there.
The persistence of awe may be keeping you from PCE in those moments:
awe
noun
- a feeling of reverential respect mixed with fear or wonder.
let’s just focus on the wonder aspect of the word ‘awe’ if you don’t mind. And ignore the other ones. “Awe” as in it’s so big that I’m simply struck.
I am niggling here, but maybe in a productive way: what is ‘struck’?
I’m confused. How does one exit the fact that it is now? You can’t exit a fact. You must mean that you momentarily forget it. So what? It’s right there to remember at any time.
Awestruck. You are niggling or as I’d say: positing peccadillos: nitpicking.
Maybe I could say that I’m exiting into forgetting?
The way I experience it is that it’s clearly more interesting to ‘me’ to go prove something / seek approval, than it is to enjoy & appreciate what is happening (aka now). That indicates that I have a fear/love dynamic that ‘I’ feel it is ‘important’ to pursue (at the expense of perfection)
If I’m understanding “kicking-out” correctly, then yes. At a certain point there is a “kicking-out”. You are “kicked” into the actual world. It is un-mistakeable as everything becomes strikingly obvious and out in the open. But it only occurs for me by sticking with the seeing of the fact of this moment. I liken seeing this fact as orienting myself towards the actual. Then by consistently choosing to orient yourself towards it then it will also pull you in at a certain point. I would also liken this orienting to tapping into pure intent as the effect it has on ‘me’ is the same. It is different from “being present” in that the fact of this moment exists on its own. It doesn’t need ‘me’ to exist.
3 Likes
Well then go pursue it. There’s no reason to not do both. You can consistently ask yourself ‘what time it is’ ‘where you are’ rememorate the PCE or anything else that gets you near that wonderland while pursing fear/love. Obviously one will suffer over the other. And that’s fine. The pull of the PCE will prevail.
When you are not doing those things I mentioned. Rememorating the PCE or asking yourself what time is it hundreds of times a day then you have temporarily chosen to prioritize fear/love. And when you come back to rememorating the PCE and asking yourself what time is it hundreds of times a day then you are back on track.
Earlier I was asking myself over & over, ‘who am I?’ and it was scintillating, every few seconds there was a new felt answer. That was what being was in each of those moments. So just by recognizing what is happening now, there’s a lot of clarity & discovery. I guess because that’s where everything is happening, lol
1 Like
do me a favor and edit that quote for me to include more
tx
1 Like
Like so?
we’re good. no need to edit now.
Or, another way of saying it:
If you are not enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive hundreds of times a day(+) then I have temporarily chosen to prioritize fear/love
1 Like
I suppose we should be rememorating the PCE hundreds of times a day too
1 Like
I haven’t read through the whole chat but, what’s stopping you from doing this?
Just started the obsessive rememorating either yesterday or the day b4
If you’ve started doing it successfully wouldn’t you be sure if you started yesterday or two days ago?
If it’s not quite successfully done yet - what’s preventing that success from happening?
It’s been secondary to thinking about this moment. But I can’t precisely date when i started that either. So the answer to your first question is no.
If success is a PCE, idk why I’m not successful. If it’s self immolation, same thing. Idk. If it’s fascination with it still being always now and satisfaction with being alive and wonder at how it can always be now and curiosity as to what that means and EEs then I have been successful.
1 Like
I’m just here to reaffirm that this moment will be the same moment as any other moment in my life. Even afterwards. And how stupendous that is. This feeling of magnificence will be here with me at every juncture. I like that. It certainly is reassuring.
The same goes for this space. It will be the same space where ever I am on this big rock. This anywhere-at-all-no-particular-place feeling will be with me where ever I happen to be.
I enjoy feeling my problem-feelings rise and fall. Despite the lack of sovereignty they now have, they can be quite strong. Before I decided to start tracking this moment they had complete freedom of movement. Now they stay close to home and cry out when triggered but throw no more fits. Yet despite this new docility, I find them much more interesting. Probably because they’re much less problematic. I suspect Charleston Heston would find his apes far more interesting if he were back in his own time and they were in a zoo.
After losing a big hand today, I felt a strong feeling of disgust. That was fun. It lasted a good two minutes or so. Experiencing the effects of a very strong feeling run full force into an undeniable fact was fun. It’s like an old man watching history before his eyes. His life is staid. He is no threat to anyone. No one wants anything from him. He has food and shelter but not an envious amount of either. And he knows people will take account of him due to his age and friendliness. He’s not too concerned. He has the luxury of just watching events unfold. That’s what it was like.
Throughout the day, I get bored. But boredom is not nearly as strong as disgust. So it’s not like an unmovable force hitting an impenetrable object a la the previous example. It’s more like a quizzical feeling. I have things I could do. I don’t particular want to do them. They don’t need to be done. Yet I feel I should do something. But then again sitting here tracking this moment is so stupendous that any other feeling is quite silly.
And that’s my update!