Hello, it’s me:
I gaze upon the pretty girls of the world and feel that something is missing in my life.
I pursue those girls, and find rejection: what am ‘I’ doing wrong?
I project that the rejection has come from my failure to live up to the masculine ideals of strength, charisma, authority, high social status, and wealth
And yet I don’t want to or physically can’t do more to ‘be’ those ideals. Enter frustration.
‘I’ can’t win in this system. ‘I’ am forever a loser, the consummation of my desire forever out of reach. Something is wrong with this system.
I asked myself: where is motivation, for the ‘loser?’
The ‘loser’ wishes to burn down the system.
But it isn’t an ‘external’ system.
I am humanity, and humanity is me.
The call is coming from INSIDE the Henryyyyyyyyyyy!
What must be done is to tear down myself: by tearing down myself, I’ve torn down the system which oppresses me and everyone.
I am a hypocrite: there are girls that are attracted to me, but I don’t find them attractive enough… I reject them in turn. What’s going on?
I am frustrated with women’s beliefs in the masculine ideals, yet I am upholding desires for the feminine ideals of beauty and virtue.
She is also forced to attempt to perform a standard which ultimately cannot exist.
I am a hypocrite.
What is beauty?
What ‘I’ find beautiful are instinctive indicators of fertility, health, and sexual readiness: pink cheeks, glowing lips, symmetry, bright eyes, clear skin, strong bone structure.
The promise of bliss.
My instinctual ‘bait’ to reproduce.
Similarly, the masculine ideals exist to signal safety, both physical and social.
Her instinctual ‘bait’ to reproduce.
But both are a red herring: after that all-too-brief phase of excitement, the negative emotions return, leaving me right back where I started: disconsolate, depressive, anxious, wondering what ‘I’ am missing. Soon that sexy woman or man becomes a source of stress themselves: do I not have high enough status? Not enough money? Not a strong enough authority? Is she not beautiful enough?
I don’t feel the beauty & desire anymore, and she doesn’t feel safe with this man anymore.
‘I’ was always going to fall short, just as she will always fall short in my eyes: because the instinctive Being cannot be satisfied.
I fill in whatever reasons. She is angry with me. I don’t get enough ‘freedom.’ She wants different things than me. We argue. But the reasons are ultimately arbitrary in the clear light of the fact that no feeling can be sustained.
I only ever felt beauty, desire, & love so I would reproduce.
We all only ever felt beauty, desire, & love so we would reproduce.
The sexual intimacy I crave - the very reason for the feeling - disappears in a darkening storm of mutual resentment, remaining only as a memory. How can something so delightful be unattainable?
I expect something impossible from her… she attempts to maintain the hologram… She expects something impossible from me, and I attempt to maintain the facade. It takes a toll.
But it is attainable.
I know that I’m ‘enough.’ There is nothing ‘wrong with me’ that means I can’t live sustained sexual intimacy until the end of my days. The narratives of masculine success are not true.
This addiction to beauty is the only thing in the way. I am the only one in the way of the very thing I want the most in this world.
I’ve been through this hotwheel track a few times. I’ve been outright rejected, many times. I’ve rejected many girls. I’ve been in love, and I’ve been loved in return. And I’ve seen that love sour into disappointment and pain each time.
I’m tired and I’m frustrated. I don’t want to waste this life, this breath, on something that doesn’t work. I don’t want to uphold this system that has caused so much pain. That causes all this pain every day.