I woke up today once again experiencing myself almost hanging on by a thread, I was sat outside smoking a cigarette and the world around me beginning to appear more and more luscious and inviting, that perfection that I know well just around the corner, so close.
And yet the whole time I feel myself yearning to get back behind the wheel with my sorrow and malice, it almost seems like a compulsion, all it takes is one lapse of attentiveness and ‘I’ am clamping down on this perfection and replacing it with the graving of ‘being’.
This really made me think about something @Srinath wrote how the gravity of pure intent would eventually take over the gravity of ‘being’. But it seems for me right now it’s a constant back and forth, it has been like this for a while now. It’s like a seesaw swinging from being drawn ever closer towards this perfection and then back into the depths of ‘being’.
Typically mornings/afternoons I spend so close to this perfection and then the evening shoots me back to sorrow and malice. It is really really odd and I am not quite sure how to proceed.
The experience I had this morning was really quite mind blowing, being here is everything I could ever ask for, this actual world is just so brilliant and yet ‘I’ always go back into ‘being’ and there is a must to it as in ‘I’ am driven to regain control, to go back into ‘being’. I feel it this way - firstly ‘I’ dissolve more and more and perfection becomes apparent and then ‘I’ must condense myself together with my sorrow and malice into ‘being’ again.
There’s something Peter writes about how to become free:
Peter: The method of becoming free from the Human Condition is devastatingly simple but requires a few initial ingredients for success to be guaranteed.
A recognition that what you are currently doing is not working, an awareness of not being fully alive, an acknowledgement of living a second-rate life, the admission of failure in your relationships or on the spiritual path, an admission of not being free or maybe a haunting memory of a peak experience of perfection and purity.
A willingness or intent to make freedom from malice and sorrow one’s main ambition in life – to become happy and harmless.
An acknowledgement that the only moment one can experience life is this very moment.
So perhaps you can spot one of these particular ingredients is lacking in you, and go see if you can generate that motivation a little more, or even just poke around and see if you find anything.
Something that I found around 6 months into my actualism journey was that I still had a major area of ‘reality’ that I found very intriguing, and I found it most productive to take a side-investigation to go ‘check out’ that area, really reasearch / get into it, and compare those experiences to my PCEs and I was able to make a clear choice of what I wanted to focus on, and with that ‘niggling intrigue’ out of the way, my clarity and motivation were redoubled.
Really that’s what any ‘obstacle’ is, is something that ‘you’ find too important to proceed without, that ‘you’ don’t want to drop.
A handy way to spot obstacles is to ask yourself: “why not become free right now?”
Whatever thought-fear-insecurity pops up, is what your obstacle is.
@Kub933 you’ve described perfectly what the main struggle is in the end as a feeling being who has tasted purity: the compulsion of being vs the draw of purity. As long as ‘you’ are around you’ll always revert to thick, heavy, gloomy being in the end. It’s a matter of permanently taking the decision out of your hands. For that you’ll need to decide that you can actually live in purity. You won’t be entirely convinced 100%. There is that last little bit that requires a ‘leap of faith’ if you will - some daring
I’ve had the thought in my own words that I have to just “throw caution to the wind”. Looks like I am not on the wrong track there!!
Related to this also. I find there are two separate things. One is how I am instinctually driven or compelled to ‘be’ - which is aggressive, desirous, fearful, and nurturing. I find myself ‘being’ in these ways, even supporting it while it’s happening, only to later realize wait this is happening again, step back out, etc. And I used to wonder, does it mean I really want to ‘be’ that way?
But then there is what I like and how I want to be. How I like to be and what I am driven to be are two completely different things. And this is what actualism shows us, that we can choose. We can choose to be the way we like to be. It needs that sacrifice to be permanent though … …
Yes this is how I have been thinking about this. I need to make a decision to allow this purity to live my life completely not just being content with tasting it every now and then and then scurrying back into my ‘security’. Which is really anything but actual security. Doing this means stepping away from the steering wheel and it is this decision to let go of the controls which requires the ‘leap of faith’. I can see myself getting closer to taking this step as there is less and less reason for me to be around, it seems this is where all the other stuff we ‘do in the meantime’ comes into play. Where the prolonged application of the method eventually shows that it is safe for ‘me’ to get out of the way completely. The feeling I am having lately is like “why not just do it”.