SonOfBob's Journal

1st Apr 2023 - I was having a super downer, despite being a Saturday and my mum home from the hospital it was like I was just burned out. I caught some strong cold from the hospital and felt so tired. Too top it off, I managed to break my tooth 2 days ago as well. It was like I couldn’t stop the obsessive scanning of bodily symptoms either. In the end, I just gave up on the day and went to bed.

2nd Apr 2023 - I felt so much better, health-wise and emotionally. I had a walk into town on my own and it all seemed smooth. An unexpectedly good day of felicity. I didn’t feel any anxious undercurrents.

3rd Apr 2023 - It was a busy day with lots to do for work before an office visit the next day but it was like I was running in super smooth mode solving all the issues with ease. It was another decent day.

4th Apr 2023 - I had to go to the office and there were loads of weird and tricky problems to deal with and I didn’t let it stress me despite the time pressure. It was like I was running on some optimal mode. Everything was resolved without stress.
On the jouney home which is a cab, 2 trains and a walk back, I started having the best and longest EE that I have had in ages. It was awesome such sensual delight but the weather was awesome, like the first sunny and mild day of the year.

I had started writing these the other day and didn’t submit.

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Draft entry from Jan 5th that I forgot to post: I have had my usual Christmas and New Year “forced” annual leave from work and it has been lovely.

We have hosted a lot, caught up a lot with friends and family. It was a really nice time.

Before the break, my boss dropped on me that a bunch of work colleagues were going to be sacked in the beginning of the year, I was told I am not allowed to mention anything otherwise I would lose my job. I really wish she hadn’t told me. I had to know because it will mean more responsibility for myself and a colleague, and planning for the period is now needed…but it caused some conflict and tension in me. I don’t like knowing secrets, I don’t like having to be fake or insincere to somebody, not being able to divulge what is on my mind.

Today is my first day back and for the first time since my mum was hospitalised, I woke up with that once familiar feeling of anxiety and dread. I can’t believe that was my day to day reality for so long. I notice that same reaction kicks in, what if the feeling exacerbates, expands and I regress again.