Hi Vineeto - With Ms. Morel (formerly ‘WomanFromNov’), right after falling in love, I was more than putting my personal happiness first, in fact that’s all (my own emotions) I could think of. She felt that caring and sharing from my part was lacking, and I didn’t consider her perspective much (which is no wonder as I was panicking all the time). So yes, that’s a stellar example putting personal happiness over harmlessness.
However, was I really happy? Not at all! I was nervous most of the times during the dates, worried about being ‘taken advantage of’, etc. And after falling in love it all went downhill. So mostly there was neither happiness nor harmlessness (even though I never got angry or upset with her[1]).
What I was referring to above in my “established happiness as no. 1 priority” was not this “personal happiness”, but rather genuinely enjoying being alive and going about life however it unfolds, instead of say seeking or fretting emotional validation from others (including Ms. Morel). If I had established this priority, I would not have felt nervous during the dates in the first place, would not have demanded that she feel certain way to me, and certainly would have caught myself falling in love sooner[2] than later.
So, in your question to me: “if in a situation you have to choose between not creating harm even though it might impinge on your happiness, you would choose harmlessness over personal happiness?” - the answer is yes, but more precisely I’d be looking at why my enjoyment (happiness) even need to diminish as a result of ‘not creating harm’. For eg., “why should Ms. Morel not reciprocating attraction need to diminish my happiness?”. Had I looked at it this way, and gotten back to being happy (and thus harmless), I would not have sent her that ‘finality’ text which made her so upset (inadvertently ‘creating harm’ due to habitual absence of ‘considering the wider context and ramifications [my] words and actions’ ). I would have either continued being friendly (without imposing my emotional demands) or ended the association amicably.
Regarding Geoffrey’s “find it in yourself to take a first clear step in the right direction, such as making a commitment to happiness and harmlessness” - I am finding that ‘making a commitment’ doesn’t happen overnight, it takes quite a bit of sincere awareness and common sense, both of which work towards enabling resoluteness.
I have been having a lot of fun with the sincere awareness part. I always knew intellectually that ‘good’ feelings are not conducive to enjoyment & appreciation. But experientially, the ‘addiction’ simply could not be dislodged. At one point, I set aside (not give up) the whole actualism verbal structure and decided to be aware of my psyche with the curious objective of a scientist. Directly experiencing and understanding whatever unfolds.
And I was rather surprised at the ‘information’ I so easily gleaned! Underlying all those good feelings I’ve been addicted to lied the desire to ‘merge’, underlying which further lied the feeling of separation itself (as in being a separative self, with the attendant ‘discomfort’ of it, to put it mildly). All the sorrow and nervousness and anxiety I’ve experienced, all my life, in this regard stemmed directly from that fear of ‘separation’. What more, the panic I experienced with and immediately after Ms. Morel was directly to do with this fear of ‘separation’. Incidentally, I was facing this very fear (albeit not yet having understood the full context like I did here) before my last PCE happened.
Anyway, I was strolling to a grocery store on a clear-sky sunny day when this realization happened. Immediately after the direct experience of this ‘separation’ (being a separative self, and the attendant discomfort), I saw the senselessness of it. As a body, I’m factually ‘separate’ in that I’m not glued to the walls or apartment buildings, so what is this feeling of being separate, I asked with continued curiosity and fascination. Of course, it is a ‘me’ that feels separate, I felt it intuitively. Pleasantly, what happened here was that that feeling of separation greatly diminished instantly, and I was more able to enjoy & appreciate this moment in whichever form it unfolds.
Since then, the whole enterprise became super simplified: I’ve only been actualizing this realization. It is not about ‘fighting’ the addiction of good feelings. I simply need to become aware of the underlying pain (of being separative self) in the moment which I instinctually seek to assuage via ‘merging’ (and the ‘good’ feelings are but a manifestation of this desire to ‘merge’). The ‘good’ feelings are only symptoms of the root problem, which is this pain of separation. When I directly become aware of and oh-so-easily diminish this feeling of separation, the need for ‘good’ feelings effortlessly diminishes - and in that space I immediately become cheerful and friendly, and life becomes fun.
The quote you posted from Richard (“wherein the separation is bridged by love and compassion”) makes a lot of experiential sense to me now. I just hadn’t realized how pervasive and subtle this ‘bridge’ (or merge) business can be in one’s day to day life, sugarcoated with social-identity layers.
The baby seems to cry, ultimately, from feeling ‘separate’.
Which she may have found disconcerting as one of our conversations subjects was around anger itself, and her appreciation for that emotion as long as it is not directed at ‘her’. ↩︎
Right during the first date when I felt the initial ‘spark’ of attraction that I then called ‘physical titillation’ in a private correspondence. ↩︎