Shank's Journal

“They treat you like it’s a sin to be alive, and make you out what they want when you die”

Unknown Australian songwriter. :face_with_peeking_eye::sweat_smile:

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One distinct thing I noticed in my recent relationships and relationship attempts is that despite knowing that the love route is bound to create a ton of nonsense(as I’ve already seen in the past) and delightful naive feelings are much better, I let those loving feelings only because the feeling is that the partner will run away…i.e I have to sell myself by having loving feelings in order to keep the partner.

Its like those people who cut their hand or behead and sacrifice a lamb or something and endure pain to please a God in order to get some benefit…similarly it feels like I must sacrifice naive delightful feelings and allow the pain of love in order to please and keep a partner lol

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Oh boi, yep.

Richard mentioned something like taking 3 weeks to end full blown anger but other minor forms such as irritation etc took a while

So I was at a fruit seller and its the season of amazing Alphonso mangoes here. While picking up the fruits, the seller was throwing in his own selection and from my past experience, I’ve found that many times they end up giving the bad ones…so I told him in an irritated stern tone “You don’t pickup…I’ll pickup myself”

Now the action that I took(picking fruits myself) was correct because one can’t be gullible while wanting to be naive otherwise one can get cheated having learnt from experience but the feeling underneath(irritation) is of malicious tone…but the thing I realized is that I could do the same action whilst having an underlying friendly feeling tone like “haha…hey I’ll pick it myself” perhaps with a smile lol

Its this day to day moment to moment interactions where I also have to consistently keep upgrading…


A quick note - the amount of “traitoring” by remaining happy - no matter what - whist others are unhappy brings up this wall of fear…but nobody has to know about this traitoring because it’s not some sort of a physically observable traitoring

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Actually I have found in some instances that certain behaviours ‘slip’. Especially working in customer service, I ended up having a very slight chuckle at the hilarity of the situation that a customer was trying to paint. Let’s just say this did not end well :joy: Not being solemn together with them was taken as a sign of unprofessionalism. So that’s a little riddle I have been exploring - essentially what to do when the world expects me to me serious.

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Lip service, babyyyyy

It’s been an interesting one to figure out for me too, because I think I’ve paid lip service in some situations where looking backward, I could have said what I really thought. I think the main thing is that it doesn’t matter much, whereas from the human point of view these are matters of extreme moral importance


Yeah it’s an interesting one, I seem to oscillate between being candid and paying lip service, although it seems I am less and less inclined to pay lip service these days, it is a nice freedom actually to allow people to get upset if they so wish, to stop this constant moulding of myself to other peoples emotional demands.


It comes down to what are the explicit instructions of your employer. Then, having clearly understood them and the practical application of them, making the decision to continue in that line of work, or not continue.

Yeah I agree…it’s an oscillation between paying lip service and somewhat like this :

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Reminds me of this as well…

RICHARD: Aye … many years ago the identity inhabiting this body was conversing with ‘his’ then mother-in-law, painstakingly explaining why’ he’ was no longer able to do something – something which eludes memory nowadays – and was both surprised and pleased to hear the following words ‘he’ spoke in response to her reproachful ‘oh, you have hurt my feelings’ (manipulative) reply to ‘his’ carefully explicated account:

• ‘Then why carry [harbour/ nurse] such feelings … surely you leave yourself open to all manner of hurt by doing so?’

Needless is it to add that ‘he’ was to ask himself that very question on many an occasion from that day forwards?

It’s got to be moment to moment consistency…My bro just made a visibly very irritated face n tone whilst having some conversation about bike insurance claim where he was speaking about something when I interrupted him with a bit of a somewhat tangential but related thing about insurance

I realized my immediate tendency was also to get irritated and there was a bubbling up of that irritation but with the latest intent to do the actualism method each moment and to take it as a challenge(as Richard recently clarified) helped to not escalate things further :sweat_smile:

Moment to moment consistency…and “no matter what”

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