So something came up regarding sex last night that I don’t know how to get over. It started from a week ago where my partner and I were engaging in foreplay. We had discussions before hand on how having an orgasm during foreplay leads to better/ less painful sex for me and a higher chance of being able to orgasm during penetrative sex, if this doesn’t happen then I know that I won’t be cumming at all which sometimes I’m okay with. Fast forward to last week when we were engaging in foreplay as usual, with my goal to orgasm, this time it took longer than usual and after my partner wasn’t interested in having sex anymore. I found out that he didn’t enjoy foreplay in which the focus was my orgasm which upset me because I thought making me orgasm was something that he enjoys like how I would enjoy giving him head and making him cum in that way. He said that it felt like he was just a “mechanical hand” and if I wanted to orgasm I might as well go masturbate on my own. I was quite upset with this because part of the reason I enjoy the fore play so much is because he is the one touching me, kissing me etc. But I had no idea this wasn’t something he was enjoying which is okay if that’s not what he’s into. Fast forward to last night, we were doing the usual fore play and all I had going through my mind was worrying if “it was taking too long” “ he doesn’t like this” “I’m being selfish right now”. I wasn’t present at all. so I made the decision to stop the fore play and go straight to sex. It was alright to begin with but then it started to hurt again. I have always struggled with stopping sex when it’s hurting for me as I feel like a failure and also feel like it will annoy my partner, particularly because this time it began to hurt when I could tell he was close to an orgasm. So I grit my teeth and went through with it until he finished. Afterwards I felt my self slipping into feeling really bad. The pain always reminds me of when I was raped and it’s hard to come out of. I know it’s my responsibility to let him know when I’m hurting and sex shouldn’t be all about the orgasm but I now feel like I can’t really have sex where I can orgasm or there’s the fear there that it will hurt again. I’m really stuck and not sure what I should do…

I appreciate your frankness, Sonya. It behoves well for your actualism progress.
Not sure what advice a 70 year old can give to a something year old - even if I gave advice lol.
Suffice to say that I have ED so Dona and I do not have penetrative sex, yet our amazing, wonderful, unimaginable to practically everyone, sexual experiences have been extensively reported on the various AF forums.
As always, honesty, frankness and consideration will work wonders - and NO BLAME.

One thing I’d suggest is to keep in mind that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do… and neither does your partner. Feeling like you are forced to do things you don’t want to do will of course feel bad. Actualism isn’t about ignoring that feeling bad to please other people - as you’ve seen that will lead to withdrawal and sadness.

As I understand your partner is also an actualist, so you both have a stated goal to work through whatever issues come up - each on your own issues and discussing it when helpful.

At a high level - in this large planet and unfathomably large universe we live in, do you both see it as possible to have mutually enjoyable sex with each other, where both of you are happy with it and happy at the end? If not then you may just not be compatible with each other… but this seems really unlikely. There are many different ways and varieties to do things. If your partner doesn’t like the “manual labor” :smiley: then I might suggest using vibrators, they will do what fingers cannot. Also maybe there can be some reciprocal stimulation while one of you is ‘working’ on the other :smiley: . Just some suggestions.

Another aspect is that if one of you is feeling bad/not enjoying it, the other can probably pick up on it and then can feel bad as a result as well. So one feeling bad and not saying anything can lead to another feeling bad and then blaming and then there’s a big feeling-bad circle. My advice would be to establish a protocol where it is ok to stop whenever neither one of you likes something. This will probably be awkward and frustrating when it happens, at first, but as you get used to it you will see it is ok. In a certain sense it’s just basic communication, but even that can be tricky when sex is involved.

Just my 2 cents!

Yes, I have read some of them, as well as Richard’s experiences! :slight_smile: unfortunately that kind of sex seems so far fetched to me at the moment and something I find unimaginable but it obviously is possible! Just a lot to work on within myself at the moment regarding sex.

Hi Claudiu! Thank you for the reply :slight_smile: yes, both my partner and I are into actualism :slight_smile:

I’ve always found it really hard to speak up when there’s something I don’t want to do, I’ve always been a people pleaser which has put me in a lot of traumatic situations. This is something I’m working on because the fear of confrontation and not being “the best girlfriend” ever stems from my fear of being abandoned which is very tough for me to work through but I am determined to get rid of it. I did mention to him if reciprocating at the same time during foreplay helps but I think it’s the fact that I’m chasing an orgasm which turns him off, we did also used to use a vibrator, I don’t know why that’s stopped now :joy: maybe it’s time to bring it up again :slight_smile:

Maybe from now for clarity we can just say @Cub933 or @Sonyaxx instead of partner as it is me who is ‘the partner’ :yum:

The cats out the bag :yum:

As Claudiu refers to, when one or the other is not happy - even in some subtle way - it has a ‘leakage’ that will effect the other. For that reason, it’s always worth sorting out whatever is in the way of enjoying. In this psychic human world, there is no real fooling the other for long - and especially when becoming free is the goal.

Sonyaxx (Sonya?), when it comes to abandonment, the way I’ve been looking at it for awhile is, if I’m in a situation where 1) I’m not enjoying myself with my partner (whether in sex or otherwise) and 2) I’m afraid to say anything / make my input heard for fear of what they’ll say or do, at that point I’m actually better off by myself! Because at least then I’m at ease in my own presence, rather than constantly a bit uncomfortable. That really takes the sting out of any potential ‘abandonment.’

Further, as 2 adult human beings, do we not have confidence in ourselves to work out any issue that comes up? Do we not have confidence in the other that when we say “hey, let’s figure this out,” that the other will be interested to figure it out? And of course we have the wonderful example of Richard, Vineeto, as well as members of this forum that have come so far. Speaking for myself, the difference in how comfortable I am with sex vs. how I once was is mind-boggling. The initial insecurity I always felt really does seem a distant memory for me now.

And then you can get into the really interesting stuff… you know there’s magic to be found – where is it? What is blocking it? It really is great fun (a bit harrowing sometimes too but that can be fun as well lol).

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I congratulate you, @Sonyaxx, for allowing yourself to live the experience of exposing your problem with such frankness. I also think it is excellent that @Kub933 allows himself to experience and observe this exposure. I think that this attitude of both of you has an enormous value for many people who live something similar in the subject itself, and for many actualists who can adopt this same frankness in other subjects (I think that the forum is being an example of this) involving strongly the ego due to shame, embarrassment, imaginary or real social sanctions, etc.

In a more general sense, I think we are not very aware of how necessary and useful these contents will be for non-actualists who will encounter the forum more and more often, in a space not merely cathartic but framed in a methodology specifically related to concrete solutions to the most essential problems generated by our human condition.

Regarding the specific case you raise, I would like to pose some questions and reflections in another post (so as not to lengthen this one)

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Update: @Kub933 blew my legs off last night :yum:

Awesome! What changed?

one more ‘x’ at the end of your name

We really got the modern era Peter & Vineeto going on here :rofl:

@Kub933 let me know it was okay to tell him if it was hurting. I also realised that not being there in the moment and constantly worrying in my head if I was being annoying was just silly. There was no sense in worrying at all! I knew I was in a safe space to be honest about how I was feeling and I was able to see that worrying was just silly and focus my energy to being there in the moment with Kuba instead. Also, we used a vibrator along with penetration at the same time! 10/10 recommended ladies! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts::yum:

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I’m sorry I don’t understand? :joy:

Haha my goal is wanting to be able to live with a partner 24/7 in complete happiness and harmlessness too!

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You bringing up vibrator use (and Alan no longer being around to report back to R&V about everything :sweat_smile:) finally gives me the oppportunity to bring up this quote I have wondered whether I am interpreting correctly:

Vineeto: Not only is food a requisite, it is also a pleasure, not only are clothes a requisite, they provide warmth and comfort, not only is shelter a requisite, it provides comfort, cosiness and convenience and any money left over after purchasing necessities can purchase what toys I find interesting from the increasingly inexpensive and ever-widening array of adult toys.

Very immature to bring this up I know :grin:


@Felix, this is a very important & grown-up actualism thread, we can’t have you in here joking around like this!!!


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Richard reports being 14 yo so you’re on you’re way young buck! :wink:

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So there’s been some progress in this area in myself that I wanted to share in case it’s of use to anyone.

It took me a while to pinpoint what it is in me that is feeding this conflict during sex that we were both experiencing. What was my part in it all?

The last couple of times sex has been great and really enjoyable for us both, there was a marked increase in intimacy, delight and playfulness.

The big realisation for me was all to do with the fear of intimacy on my part. This is why I was not interested in foreplay so much because I just wanted to get into the sex part where I could sort of disconnect myself from the actual experience of having sex.

Last night this dawned on me, I saw this clearer than ever that I was simply afraid of the level of intimacy that good sex, along with the foreplay etc will bring about.

Seeing this I decided to go down a different path, to allow myself to experience that intimacy and what ensued was a really fun, intimate and delicious atmosphere.

So all in all this fear of intimacy seems like a goldmine for sex related issues, I am sure there is even more to find there :raised_hands: