It is strong. I get to the point where I see myself as a total asshole just like the rest of them, rotten to the core, a total fraud. And I snap back into some ready-delusion of self-importance. And it keeps happening and happening. Unreal. One time I snapped back into a love delusion like the way to beat being an asshole is cultivate love as your guiding force. Wow. That was something. But I wasn’t having that I so exited that one quick. But the other ones keep coming back. Everything from my daily life to ideologies. Are not ideologies the most fucked up thing? My god they give you greatest thrill at being self-important. It’s tough coming down from an ideology and realizing that they all have a complete life of their own. And it’s just best to leave them alone. What’s the point of sorting through them? Why is being right and having right views so important? It’s not of course. Then I realize nothing I ever say will ever by published and I will not live on past my death unless I pass on something. I can focus on right deeds and right views as a way to live past my death. But that’s like playing with sorcery. There’s no substance to them yet they can go anywhere. So crazy. And then there’s my career. And that feels so important. But people are important imo. People are way more important the ideas. Whether the idea is petty or lofty is literally immaterial. They aren’t people so why give a shit! Fuck. So now I move into the people of my life and realize how big of an asshole I’ve been this whole time. I’ve judged every situation through a lens of how people should live. Basically, I’m a complete fascist. I judge my family through a lens that I think is completely fair yet it doesn’t matter whether it’s fair or not. It’s still an idea and they aren’t just an idea. They are people. Then I reflect on my relationship. And I get crazy conflicted. I think what’s the right thing to do is something I don’t want to do. And I get into a really difficult conversation that questions my entire reality. And that is very disconcerting. And I face that cliff there and I snap back to one or another delusion of self-importance. One that won’t be so difficult. One that will make me feel good about my self. Very wow!
I cannot handle anything. Everything is well beyond me. I may as well not exist. Then I ease back into some everyday problem but they are really difficult to navigate atm. It’s so rare that I’m mired in this much self-doubt at one time. The abject misery of knowing I am a total assholes can be ascertained now quite easily. I can understand projection and deflection right now. I experience great pain in knowing I’m an asshole. I can’t blame others for fleeing it like a swarm of locust. Or not even touching it like the plaque. Everyone justifying their public persona as a mask to avoid seeing how it never was actual and it’s all a sham. It’s all a sham. It can’t be anything but a sham. There are no ideas that isn’t fictional. And that’s all I live my life through. The whole of human history starting who knows when: First paintings? Or when they first grew wheat? A little bit of human paleontology and ancient history I picked up recently. Probably trying to create a new idea of myself, I went on a reading spree recently and learned a lot of good theories about stuff. Things I take as fact. Funny.
But anyways the whole shebang is a sham. And there’s nothing but whatever exist outside of that sham. Which I can’t access right now but I know it’s there.
That’s a horrific place to be. Hate to say I’m familiar with it (and liable to land there without forewarning). How are you viewing things/yourself now, since you wrote that?
Yes, there’s so much beyond, so much outside of that “sham.” A whole universe actually.
Though it’s certainly beyond, definitely outside, and indeed over there, it’s also right here (is it not?) The universe is right fucking here. You can see it, taste it … feel it.
It’s even right here alongside, inside, and throughout this “sham.”
That’s so cool if you dwell on it for a bit. That which is there is here; that which is outside is inside; that which is beyond is within. Intimately so.
The thing I find interesting here is whether there is something that is possible to activate in the meantime to avoid being stuck in this dilemma of utter falsity / actuality.
I think that thing is active already, otherwise why question these things, why attempt to expose yourself like this. It takes sincerity to allow myself to see that I am a fraud but stopping there turns this into a dead end, its like I am a fraud and then over there is the actual which I can never reach.
What if this sincerity (to admit that I am a fraud) can be the key to unlock naiveté. Then I as identity can safely begin to discard my worldview because there is a connection to something genuine.
Reading your post also reminded me of something Richard wrote about becoming enlightened. That he could see the personal me being replaced by an impersonal Me, and there was this thought of - “What is observing these 2 me’s?”
So there is @JonnyPitt who is observing that he is a complete fraud with no way out, this completely fraudulent Jonny is somehow actively exposing himself though, how weird haha!
@Kub933 You really are an utter fucking legend. Like, how the hell?
I read Jon’s post, and was like, yep, that’s me, but worse because actualism is my idealogy. Did I even spell that correctly? Probably not.
That’s exactly where I am.
I was just listening to Pink Floyd, on a whim.
“when I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse, out of the corner of my eye”
There is so much more than a fleeting glimpse available.
@JonnyPitt It is something in the allowing yourself to be that asshole. Without actually doing anything to anyone.
It’s absolutely OK to be you. Sure, we are the scum of the earth; but we are good scum. We know that there is something in that. Something where the Okness, segue’s into that single moment when we can see that… something.
In a really big way, I don’t think anyone can know before hand. If one does think one knows, it immediately gets sucked into the “identity machine”.
As soon as one “knows” why, it already too late. It’s just another circle jerk of, as you say: “ideas”.
One becomes a parody of sincerity.
“Oh, I know why I should do this!”
Already over.
There is an utterly “Plain Jane” -warts and all-universe, which is perfectly existing, and is, however strangely, completely un-perplexed by our assholiness.
It really is just us upset at being us.
One day, very soon, I am going to find that hilarious. I honestly don’t right now, but again, I am an identity. It’s my job it ‘be’.
For sure. 100%. Those words were merely the thoughts before experiencing some temporary naiveté.
That’s a dangerous game. When I compare my character to others I either see myself as better or equal. This allows me to not see myself as a fraud. At least I’m not this, or how can people be like that…True statements or legitimate concerns, sure. But it’s a way to distract myself from my complete bullshit.
That was my experience last night. - layers of feelings and go-to narratives - None of them had any truth to them. They may be linked with facts on the superficial levels but the source of them was a totally false idea: Self-importance. Those go-narratives felt a lot like a logical argument based on a faulty premise. They make perfect sense until you question the premise.
That was my experience last night.
Even though I wasn’t questioning realizations, I get the concern. I think if you’re concerned about realizations “getting sucked into the identity” then seeing the realization as being not serious and you being not important would help.