Hi Vineeto,
I have been sifting a lot through the majority of my social moors this past month and change, like loyalty and “politeness” and belonging. I would like to write about some of what I’ve been finding at some point but the exploration has unearthed a lot of uncomfortable ways in which I constantly punish and contort myself to beg for scraps of love.
The more I’ve become aware of this, the more I’ve been noticing an organic confidence start to emerge: not my previous false bravado used as a social tool to gain admiration, but just a calm self-assuredness that is comfortable saying and doing what it wants without constantly apologizing for itself.
My illness is a particularly nasty bout of long COVID, which keeps my energy levels fairly low even when my mental state is pleasant. However my symptoms are greatly exacerbated by stress, be it physical or psychological, which has made me acutely aware of how much stress emotions place upon my body. I recently experienced a week-long systemic crash which left me bedridden in response to some intense emotions triggered by menstrual hormones. My doctors say avoiding triggering such crashes is key to recovery, which has given me all the more incentive to stop letting my usual emotional cycles run entirely unchecked and wreak actual physical havoc.
Thanks for the distinction. This makes sense - I think sometimes I continue to humor the thought/feeling cycles because I figure if they still hurt then they still have something to teach me that I haven’t fully explored. I don’t know whether that’s true. For example my mom suffered a lot in her childhood and lives a scared life and thinking about this makes me cry. I guess I can’t say this thought/emotion cycle is entirely without utility because it has helped me break a habitual callousness towards the anxiety of my mother and allows me to be patient and kind with her very easily. However I don’t know at what point continuing to cry over it becomes unnecessary.
The same is true of many of my tears inspired by compassion: it leads me to operate with less selfishness, more awareness of others, more attention to those who deal with painful disadvantages in life who I would have previously overlooked. But of course there’s a limit to the utility, and the tears certainly aren’t useful if they are contributing to stressing my system and thus keeping me ill and largely bedridden.
I have more thoughts and observations that I will share at another point. Thank you for you input and for the link you shared, they were helpful reads.