Hi Scout,
If possible next time you face these feelings, try and focus on the (intuitively felt) feeling itself rather than going into sobbing etc., as the sobbing can sometimes be a distraction from the feeling itself. It will likely be very uncomfortable, but it is the most direct version of the feeling/being. Looking for this also means a more direct experiencing of all forms of yourself, including the felicitous & innocuous!
Once it has receded, you may be able to use appreciation for the felt relief and any insights gained to complete a transition to feeling good. From there it is essential to use that moment to go back and investigate the feeling and whatever triggers caused it. You can use the method of investigation @Vineeto mentions here:
“When I first met Richard, after years of spiritual search where thinking was discouraged, I was delighted to be encouraged to use my brain again in the way it is capable of. Richard gave me one guideline – when exploring one topic to find out answers I hadn’t thought of before, he said, always come back to the ‘trunk’, the original question of inquiry. You can branch out, jump from branch to branch, but then come back to the original question. This way whatever has been discovered by the discursive way of thinking will be fed into advancing the original question. That’s how productive contemplation can work best.”
Using this method, you can gradually come to better understand both the individual trigger, the individual feeling, and more gradually, yourself as a feeling being, and humanity itself. With that gradual understanding, the individual triggers are weakened, resulting in increased peace, a higher baseline of enjoyment, and longer periods of enjoying & appreciating. It’s also self-perpetuating, as in having success breeds ever-greater successes and confidence in the process itself.
This is very encouraging. You may have previously been somewhat dissociated, and this rawness is an indication that you’re allowing these emotions to exist for the first time in a long time. That’s another way of saying that you’re acknowledging what ‘you’ are (as a feeling being) for the first time in a long time.
Luckily there is the third alternative, in the form of the felicitous/innocuous emotions and ultimately in self-immolation. You’re tuning into something very accurate, which is that people tend to celebrate that martyrdom as well as normal versions of success, but intuitive experience can demonstrate that is ultimately a raw deal: you still get your suffering, the love & compassion ultimately keeps that suffering in place (hence its diabolical underbelly), and nothing ever changes. This awareness is essential for making the inhuman choice, which is to enjoy & appreciate this moment of being alive despite every instinct.
Indeed! That’s the lot of anyone wishing to belong…