I’ve been experiencing an increased amount of anxiety for the past few weeks and finally had something resembling a breakthrough yesterday. I haven’t been working so naturally I’m anxious about when the next gig will come through. (This is a cycle that repeats itself multiple times a year). This generally overshadows me and I often find myself ‘problem solving’ in imagination unless I’m preoccupied. It’s like I have an alarm blinking somewhere inside my mind constantly reminding me of my situation every hour or so. I also noticed that this was mixed in with some depression and hopelessness. It seemed like I had to get out of the them before I could really look at the anxiety, because before I did, it was like having all the emotions mixing together pulling in different directions.
I think what I realized I was doing was making the stakes too high for myself. Like if another job didn’t come through, I’d wither away and die. This is definitely reinforced by my identity since I notice that I seem to fear failing in my field. I feel myself to be good at what I do and being out of work conflicts with that. It’s like a mini-identity crisis. I also fear a career change, which is way less dramatic than withering away and dying. It was like I’d rather die than fail. And while all this seemed to lend to the depression and hopelessness, it was the sense that I was running out of time that seemed to relate to the anxiety. But all of it seemed a little silly and extreme. It may be one of few examples I have of seeing the silliness in something.
I thought of something @emp said:
I had a mad dash for two weeks trying to figure out what was going on, and all that abstract thinking has put me into tailspin.
It can be really hard to hone in on the nitty-gritty. I think I must have chased my tail for a month or more on this one, off-and-on. I knew what was going on and that I had been here before, but I don’t think I was able to get any results until I was able to get more personal with myself. Otherwise, there was a lot of day-dreaming of different scenarios.
Ok what did I learn? I spent a lot of time spinning my wheels getting no where. I think I did because I was unable to parse out the different emotions I was feeling. I also think I was being too broad initially and once I got more personal things took off.
As for running out of time: I’m not sure if what I wrote warrants such a title but here we are.