Running out of time

Actualism
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I’ve been experiencing an increased amount of anxiety for the past few weeks and finally had something resembling a breakthrough yesterday. I haven’t been working so naturally I’m anxious about when the next gig will come through. (This is a cycle that repeats itself multiple times a year). This generally overshadows me and I often find myself ‘problem solving’ in imagination unless I’m preoccupied. It’s like I have an alarm blinking somewhere inside my mind constantly reminding me of my situation every hour or so. I also noticed that this was mixed in with some depression and hopelessness. It seemed like I had to get out of the them before I could really look at the anxiety, because before I did, it was like having all the emotions mixing together pulling in different directions.

I think what I realized I was doing was making the stakes too high for myself. Like if another job didn’t come through, I’d wither away and die. This is definitely reinforced by my identity since I notice that I seem to fear failing in my field. I feel myself to be good at what I do and being out of work conflicts with that. It’s like a mini-identity crisis. I also fear a career change, which is way less dramatic than withering away and dying. It was like I’d rather die than fail. And while all this seemed to lend to the depression and hopelessness, it was the sense that I was running out of time that seemed to relate to the anxiety. But all of it seemed a little silly and extreme. It may be one of few examples I have of seeing the silliness in something.

I thought of something @emp said:

I had a mad dash for two weeks trying to figure out what was going on, and all that abstract thinking has put me into tailspin.

It can be really hard to hone in on the nitty-gritty. I think I must have chased my tail for a month or more on this one, off-and-on. I knew what was going on and that I had been here before, but I don’t think I was able to get any results until I was able to get more personal with myself. Otherwise, there was a lot of day-dreaming of different scenarios.

Ok what did I learn? I spent a lot of time spinning my wheels getting no where. I think I did because I was unable to parse out the different emotions I was feeling. I also think I was being too broad initially and once I got more personal things took off.

As for running out of time: I’m not sure if what I wrote warrants such a title but here we are.

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Sounds like “par for the course”.

The modern world has this nebulous quality, where once it was clear.

Once, the world was at war, or not. Millions died, or not.

Now, we have this “eternal grey” is all areas. Every area has this air of uncertainty. Which is probably for the better.

Am I employed properly? Is this enough? What is going on?

Of course we are running out of time.

In so many ways, it is already over.

Are we going to enjoy what is here and now?

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Time as a beeing is a pretty consistent “problem” I had to face quite often and sometimes still do. I would refer to it as “chasing time” or “fearful time”. If I don’t do anything I’m wasting time. If I look into the “future” fear slips in. If I’m looking back my goals are pushing me. It can get very confusing at times.

But once I had an very impactful insight which never left me so to speak. I’ll try my best to convey it:
I was reverting back from a PCE. And I was wondering why time was not chasing me at the moment. I was back to ‘me’ but calm. But why? The PCE was over, right? So what is it? Then I realized that I still had this sense of space, of a somewhat expanded consciousness. I was not completely confined in my head again. ‘My’ consciousness which begins here and ends there. And then it hit me! Wait a minute: This means when there is enough space then there is also enough time. One begets the other. I knew intellectually that matter/space/time are seemless, but then I actually saw it. Nowerdays I try not to think of time in the usual way: past, present, future, but in a spatial sense. If there is a feeling of “chasing time”, my old insight pops up: “But there is enough space, hence enough time.” And the feeling often fades away.

I guess the feeling beeing seperates time into a specific and confined entity. Without it’s connection to infinite space, time seems very cruel (chasing all the time). But if one can bring time back to where it belongs then the chase decreases Because no matter how hard time is chasing, there is always enough space to move.

This is of course all metaphorical, but it may convey something to you.

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This is really interesting, I can’t say that I can relate to the experience but it’s interesting to contemplate! Nice to have you posting here @Elgin where have you been all this time? :smiley:

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I think what you’re saying is that time/space/mater are not separate? They are one seamless thing? And to consider them in a separate context is inherently flawed? Can you explain how if there’s enough space then there’s enough time and why it’s relieving to you?

Personally, I know this universe has all the time in the world. Matter has all the time it needs to arrange itself into perfectly imperfect people, places, and things. That seems ideal and fun to be able to take many shapes and forms and never be stuck. You got all the room to move around in. And hey, if you need more space, there’s always more space. And then hey! If matter needs more time, well…we got time because time has all that space for matter to move in. They are all dependent on each other but also supportive at the same time.

Butttt… I don’t have all the time in the world nor do I feel like I do. The universe will get it right, no doubt, but I may not. I don’t have all the time in the world. But in a way I do. But I don’t. But I do.

I routinely try to connect with the idea that I am this universe. I’m so confident that it’s true and somewhere I’m misunderstanding things. I know the universe isn’t driven by the human condition like I am, so I don’t think I’m anthropomorphizing it. Me as a feeling being wants to feel like I too, have all the time in the world. And the general wisdom seems to be that the thing that wants to feel eternal is in the way of the real me experiencing it. I tend to agree.

I know the actualism method isn’t to ‘connect with the idea that i am this universe.’ Or even understand it fully. But I like to contemplate it so I enjoy thinking about it

But do you have anything to add or help me understand better?

And so far we know that the feeling being can’t ever become infinite space, time, matter. At best, the feeling being can ‘connect’ to it via pure intent. But the feeling being doesn’t have all day. So while connecting is nice, becoming the universe is even better.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACV4r7oiPHU

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Connecting with space works just as well as connecting with time, I think. If one can relax that works too as it makes room for a connection. But ultimately it’s about intent which ime can’t be engineered.

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Yes, it’s essentially the same. Matter/time/space are seamless. So connecting with matter would also be of the same quality. I depends on your attention while a PCE is occurring.
I guess Richard would say connecting with pure intent (golden thread). I experiance it as taking some of the quality of the PCE into normal life, which I would describe as actualizing an insight into daily life.

Yes, in normal perception space is perceived differently then in a PCE. Space is confined. I can look in front of me and perception ends at a house/tree etc. Space has only relevenace for ‘me’ as long as it is somehow “useful.” The space beyond the house/tree is somewhat neglected, it is secondary (not important). This “boundary” of my attention is also somewhat the boundary of ‘my’ consciousness. ‘My’ world is small, my time is limited, my thoughts have very little space to move. I’m a very limited and confined entity. I may think of boundless space, but that space is still a projected space within ‘my’ consciousness.

In a PCE consciousness doesn’t function like that at all. It doesn’t just stop there, or the next corner. It just goes on and on and on. It doesn’t stop, ever (spatial). That’s how one becomes aware of the boundlessness of space. It’s actually the consciousness of the universe experianced as a human body. It’s mindblowing!

Now ‘my’ insight was, that when returning to normal there is still some flavor of the PCE. Sometimes throughout the whole day. It’s not just that one is happy and harmless, but on top of that there is this connection. In my case I had a long period of a somewhat expanded awareness of consciousness. And in that awareness time was not pushing at all. It was very gentle. And I wondered why, because I had a tight schedule (at work). It was then that I saw that the perception of time is strictly tied to the perception of space. Metaphorically speaking: When space is tight, then time is also tight. This spatial awareness, a sense of infinite or large space did however continue. It is an insight that stayed with me since this event. Mostly I forget about it, but when I feel the pressure of time it automatically activates and the pressure goes away or at least lessens to a significant degree.

That’s a tricky one. The ‘I’ is pushing time: “Make it work!”, which creates stress, sorrow. The body doesn’t really care at all. It has enough time. It doesn’t care dying in the sense, that it doesn’t want and need an afterlife. So one has to confront not only the death of the self, but also the death of the body, because herein lurks sarrow.
“Even if I die, the body has to die eventually. That’s fucked up! I’m just saying!”
Richard’s correspondence about death is really enlightening, especially the first part. One has to comprehend not only that the body dies, but also that it is correct that it dies. >>> Otherwise peace on earth would not be possible <<<
This point needed months before it clicked for me. After it clicked ‘I’ could relax more and enjoy beeing alive, which again is the method. It’s really about intent and not time for me. I don’t push myself, because of limited time anymore, but because of intent. I want freedom like nothing else. So I ask myself “why am I dabbling in petty feelings instead of feeling good?” There is no time factor involved in this question at all. It’s a more fundamental question. Even if I had all the time in the world, I would still had to tackle this dillema of feeling bad, miserable etc.
One can somewhat escape this dilemma with enlightenment, but for the price of sincerity and integrity.

Just remember that I tend to write and speak rather loosly :smile:

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That is super helpful and inspiring. I hope I can have it “click” for me too :appreciation:

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Elgin This post and the other post that you wrote ( for me ) are amazing , I am translating them to Farsi …so many people in Iran would benefit from them…much appreciate it … :appreciation:

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Urgh, I wouldn’t do that. I write rather loosely and my terminology is often confusing and convoluted. :smile:

If I were to introduce Actualism to new folks I would >>> strictly <<< stay with Richard’s writings. His use of words is very precise and deliberate. He knows what he talks of. Translating casual chats would rather complicate matters. We have however two actual free people here.

But cool if I could help somehow :slight_smile:

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A busy schedule leaves little free space on the calendar.

If the soul could never die before the body, then peace on earth would indeed be impossible. Humans would just be humans forever. And if you lived forever, you’d be forever unsatisfied. Yet this is what the soul thinks it wants - to live forever!

Yeah definitely. I’d consider anything written by an actually free person to be good advice, but the AF website is the gold standard as it is the source that is most trustworthy. We feeling beings tend to be unreliable :slight_smile: