I read this and another post with interest, as they both connect to something I’ve been questioning for weeks…
Recently, feeling some stress from having more things to do than there are hours in the day, I questioned the reason why I get involved in so many things. I have always been this way and was never someone to just drift along — to the point of feeling physically unwell when I’m idle, doing nothing “productive”. That investigation led me to something I’ve noticed on multiple occasions, which relates to this need for external validation and that the motivation behind certain of my “projects” was, ultimately, tied to ego. The result was that, over time, I managed to free myself from that (mostly since the beginning of this year), and now I have a less busy — I would say calmer — life.
That calm doesn’t come only from this, but also from having been able to let go of wanting to control things and of imposing my own will. Now, whenever someone suggests a plan, my intuition is to say yes and go with it. Interestingly, letting myself be led by others’ choices on certain occasions has brought me unexpected happiness. Perhaps because those situations bring with them unpredictability, or because of the happiness they also bring to the other person, or even, I would say, because of the very sensation of being out of my control (little by little, I’ve managed to ensure that the unpredictable and the uncontrollable doesn’t carry negative emotions, but positive instead).
So with time my motivated and ambitious attitude seemed more and more to be the result of social conditioning (stemming from my life experiences) and less and less of genetic traits. But today, upon reflecting on this, I see that in fact I remain driven — simply in different aspects of life. This pursuit of a more happy and harmless way of being, all day, every day, even in the face of adversity, continues, for example.
But in general I have been questioning many aspects that I believed defined me. Do I believe myself to be driven? I think so, in relation to specific aspects, when I sleep well and am not sick. But is it an innate characteristic of mine? I have no idea. The other day I even called into question all the psychology around personalities when investigating my shyness. But there are some studies that seem reliable to me which suggest there is a scientific basis to the claim that certain personality traits are influenced by genetics. At this point I would say that my being introverted might have some genetic basis but that my shyness is primarily the result of my life history — and I have been able, little by little, to change that. It doesn’t bother me at all to be introverted, but being shy does, insofar as it prevents me from being honest in certain situations and from enjoying them.
So the old recurring idea from self-help coaches — “find yourself” and “be true to yourself” — it’s all about the “self”… as if it were easy to know what it means to be “me”. That is… I know exactly what I feel “I” am, but I don’t know to what extent that is different from others. What, intrinsically, differentiates me from others? As I deconstruct beliefs about myself, what remains? The answer to “what makes me tick” seems to exist only in the context of my current circumstances, which keep changing and which I change along with them. I have a physical aspect that is uniquely mine (I have no twin), and I certainly must have some particular mental traits, but just as my physical appearance changes, my mind changes too. By mind I mean the nature of my thoughts, my desires, my needs… It is a fact that they change quite a bit, in small ways through out the day but substantially if I read my older journal entries for example.
I’m happy with that but using adjectives or anything to define myself, I may quickly end up using these to feed some story about me. Is there any problem with that? It depends on what purpose they are serving, I suppose. I want to perceive the world as it is, without being clouded by imagined stories about who I am and my place in this world. I still believe it’s possible to have a direct perception without the existence of a self, that the reports are true — even the more mysterious ones, such as pure intent. It’s a belief, but I still believe there must be a scientific explanation for everything that doesn’t involved anything more than matter and energy. But I also recognize that there are limits to what I can discover through my conscious experience. That’s why I keep reading — because what I discover through my experience is limited to my experience. I shouldn’t draw conclusions about the universe based solely on my own experience. My experience may show me that the universe is benevolent, but is it really? What scientific basis is there to support that? Could that perception not simply come from the fact that I descend from creatures that evolved to benefit from this world? Just as it turns out it’s not the sun that revolves around the earth, but the earth that revolves around the sun — could it be that the universe isn’t benevolent toward me, but rather that I evolved to benefit and prosper in it?