Today I became frustrated because it seems I’m not going anywhere near being free of this constant thinking about myself. The root of my problems - I believe - is this constant self-centeredness in this identity I call myself. I can’t take words on the website and have them present in my thoughts because they are not my words - they are not even in my mother tongue - and I think in words in my mother tongue - I don’t think in english - and things get a bit lost in translation - so I decided to ignore all of it once again and go for a walk in the woods and clear my mind. I took my shoes off and the question that came up was Who Am I? Immediately I thought about the writings of Peter about Who I am vs What I am and started trying to recall what the page said and reached for my phone and thought - stop - think for yourself! Who am I? I am a father - this for some reason was the first answer that came up. But I’ve not always been a father so that means that I was not always the same I? So let me ask these three questions instead - Who am I? Who was I? Who will I be? Is there a single answer for all those three? I am, was and will be a son. But does that actually define me? Why am I defining myself in relation to others? I am, I was and will be a human. But what does that even mean? We’re all human. What makes this human different from the other humans? I’m always me. No. I change through time. I’m different according to circumstances. What is this me? Who am I? Who was I? Who will I be? Am I the witness? Am I the awareness of a body? But isn’t it a fact that consciousness is material and one with the body? I read the science! I can’t exist without the body. I’m this body that is alive? And by being alive it is conscious? Who am I? Who was I? Who will I be? Maybe I am simply a body that is aware of itself… For now.
I read the website and I learn nothing. It’s all there. It is basic. But I read it and nothing sticks. Am I blocking it because I can’t accept it? I can’t accept the fact that I’m living an illusion?