Hi Vineeto!
Thank you so much for your response, I’ve been thinking about it all weekend.
Vineeto: I find comparing yourself to “Louis XVI waiting for the guillotine in the public square” quite revealing as to what your ‘persona’ fears the most – the holder of the highest office in the land being publicly subjected to the greatest humiliation (death).
Here I was, thinking I had innocently chosen that analogy, and now I can see what it says about ‘me’, it’s crystal clear. See, this is why I wanted to start posting here. As much as I find reading what others write about their journey useful, not actively participating here has been a way to hide, in a way.
Vineeto: It’s worth to keep this greatest fear from above in mind, as there is hidden a significant aspect of the peasant mentality, what you call ‘perfectionism’ – it’s not only that you have to perform perfectly but that your perceived status depends on it. Now what would happen if you recognized that this perceived status is in itself a lie, a phantom? What would happen to pride, and with it to humility and to ‘who’ you feel yourself to be?
Yes, contemplating this has been quite revealing. This ‘precious’ status I so desperately want to keep is really unsubstantial. It’s crazy cause of course I never saw myself as someone who cared about status, and yet I can see it so obviusly now. It’s so imporant to me to feel like I have some kind of control over how people percieve me, that I feel like I’m going to die whenever I think someone is going to have a negative image of me. It’s like, if they do not see me as I secretly see myself, they are not giving me the validation I need to exist. Yes, I am a contingent being to the core.
Another thing I’ve been contemplating every time I start to get nervous about my job is that when it comes to ‘responsibilities’, I’ve always relied on this very stern inner authority to get things done. It’s a feeling of inner pressure that is there until I do what I’m supposed to do. A way to force myself to do something. Of course, it’s not helpful at all, as I am actually more productive when I enjoy what I’m doing, but I am so afraid of letting this side of myself go. There’s this fear that I will not get anything done and ruin my life. And it’s so silly really, cause I see that I actually make silly choices when being run by this ‘inner authority’.
What I am doing right now is seeing how harmful I am to myself. There’s this constant self-punishing that really brings poor results, like procrastination, wanting to hide, and essentially, wasting the opportunity to enjoy this moment. And it’s truly not needed. With the intelligence of this body, and the intention to be happy and harmless, I can simply do what’s sensible in a given situation. I do not need to torture myself to operate in the world safely. It is sensible to start being more friendly to myself.