I just finished having a conversation with my mum on the phone, we were talking about how I had always struggled with perfectionism, and how she could see that especially when I quit university. I started thinking about it, and I could see the similarities with what I experienced this week. Those two times I quit university, it was after failing exams. And I remembered how it felt to have my family asking me how I did in exams, and the weight of their expectations. Only, I can now see, it wasn’t just their expectations…I have internalised those expectations, they are part of my social identity. I can see how linked they are to both the loyalty to my family and society, and the fear to be cast out of the group.
If this loyalty feels so bad, why keep it? Especially if there’s a much better option: to be happy and harmless right now.