Paul's Journal

I am the kind of person who will not feel good because I’m too busy.


I am the kind of person who will not feel good unless I can prevail against the inexorable forces of decay and dissolution forever.

1 Like

Or maybe I’m the kind of person who would settle for a 20 year guarantee? :thinking:

Make it 30 and it’s a deal.

As long as all my clan has the same guarantee. And…

I can never be sure how near or how far I might be from actual freedom. To avoid putting unnecessary roadblocks in my way, I like to consider that the actual world is no distance away, therefore no time away, therefore potentially reachable at any time. I made an attempt to self-immolate a few hours ago and didn’t succeed, but it seems like I came tantalisingly close this time.

My reflections were along the lines of this conversation, with Richard leading his correspondent to see that the only thing that stands in the way is a powerful addiction to being ‘me’, and also that the unknown is only unknown because the once in a lifetime path of no return has never been taken.

It’s natural to fear the unknown path, but it doesn’t mean that the known path is the safe one. Echoes of Geoffrey here. The known path is the unsafe one, the unknown path is the safe one.

That was clear to me, but I still didn’t cross the line. A bit disappointed, because I don’t know what what was lacking, but I’ll find out in hindsight when it works one day :smiley:

Didn’t land in an ASC this time.


Did you had a PCE in that moment?

In the time surrounding it, there was a vibrancy in the air and everything around me, but at the time when I was trying to self-immolate, I was focused on not letting ‘me’ off the hook. I didn’t want to take any temporary escape routes, I wanted to face it all and take the final step.

Earlier in the day I had been contrasting the heaviness and viscosity of ‘my’ normal world with the vibrancy and sparkle of the world as it is when ‘I’ am thin enough to let some actual light and magic in, and that was in near-PCE territory. Maybe like hundreds of tiny winks of PCE, like the fizz in a fizzy drink. But I’ve been there before enough times, and I’ve swung back to the other ends of the ‘me’ spectrum enough times too, so this time I wanted to focus on the core ‘presence’ that all this is about, and bring it down to “to ‘be’ or not to ‘be’”.

The reason I think I came close this time was because of my willingness to look at it without flinching or turning away. But there must be something I’m not seeing or something I’m withholding or it would have happened. So I didn’t bail out into an ASC, but it wasn’t a PCE either. Just me, knowing there was nothing more I could do at that time. So keep going and try again.

1 Like

When I was a kid and we were driving to our summer holiday spot, I literally couldn’t wait. “Are we nearly there yet, dad?” Yesterday I was wondering, why on earth would I not feel the same way about actual freedom? Why am I not so excited and thrilled about it that I can hardly contain myself?

If I really want this, why wouldn’t I? Is it because deep down I believe I can’t do it? Or is there still a piece of ‘me’ or ‘my’ life that I’m still afraid of losing? Everything I’ve looked at, the answer is no. All that’s left is the addiction to being ‘me’. Not even the fear of the unknown, just the fear of letting go of the known forever. Stepping out of the known for the final time with no coming back for second thoughts.

I’m ready for it rationally, but energetically I must not be completely ready. The times when I’ve tried to press on regardless (because I’m convinced that it’s the best way to go) are the times I’ve landed in an ASC.

I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong now. The push factor of caring about human suffering and its root cause is here, the pull factor of the magical world of the PCE is here, and the benefit of feeling happy and harmless in the meantime is very clear too. If anything is lacking, I think it must be the total confidence in the safety and superiority of the unknown path. I have it rationally, but energetically I must still be holding back in a way that I can’t yet see as voluntary.

Unless accidental death or illness takes the option away from me, I know that sooner or later ‘I’ will give way to something I already know is better than ‘me’, and it’ll all be over. I can’t know when that will be or what the final moment of ‘me’ will be like.

In the meantime I’ll continue as I am, but I’ll probably talk about it less for a while. I’ve got a holiday planned next month, so it’ll a good chance to exchange screen time for plunging into the immediacy of the actual, and maybe I’ll leave ‘me’ behind on permanent vacation :smiley: Where did ‘he’ go? :thinking: