Hi everyone, it came to me this morning that one of the reasons of not being able to enjoy and appreciate this moment (simply feel good about being alive… nothing too fancy) may have to do with some beef I have with just being.
it’s like i have some kind of aversion to experiencing myself (emotionally) so that even directing attention to myself intuitively causes some tension, like hey, you’re not supposed to be here, you’re ruining the actual world for me.
The general narrative in acualism is that being/self is rotten to the core, it’s the villain and we should get rid of it. for me this notion might have lead to feeling uncomfortable as a self, it creates inner conflict at being.
from PCE page of Simple Actualism:
“Our normal experience of the world is through the grime tinted glasses of [Being]”
from the topic ‘I’ on glossary of the Actual Freedom Trust website:
‘I’ am rotten to the core – the combination of animal instinctual passions and an ability to think and reflect make the human animal not only malicious but cunningly malicious. This lethal combination allows the human species not only to wage wars, inflict genocide, rape, murder, torture and pillage to a scale unprecedented in any other animal species but allows for the psychic warfare and power battles, blatant denial, fantasy escapes, corruption, deception and deceit that is endemic in all human interactions.
so I thought to myself this morning, wait a minute - maybe being is not so bad, why not make peace with it.
it is being that is doing all this thing called actualism, who is trying its best to set this body free (and at the same time holding back and preventing it )
so i wrote a few words to myself:
i am the villain, true, but i am also the hero of myself - when the moment comes I will allow myself to set myself free. me! the villain. so why all the beef ?! I should give myself a break. pet myself, say to myself: you’re a good being - you’re doing your best. dare I say - love yourself a little, you’re not so bad. you’re here because you don’t know anything else, don’t know how to not be. i have confidence in you - I’m sure you’ll do the right thing… eventually.