i dont know what that means …i want this to happen soon ,so what should i do besides enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive ?
Want it more than anything you’ve ever wanted!
Investigate any and everything in the way!
Do everything you can to have / remember PCEs!
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Thank you henryyy .
maybe my problem is ‘Under’ investigation .
and as Srinath said : Not being aware of your emotional landscape can make you a sitting duck for recurrent negative emotional states.
I guess i have to start investigate my feelings …
the first step is to ask my self " : why i am not feeling good ? " as Srinath has said it .
the investigation is the most hardest part .
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The activity of attentiveness reminds one of why one is doing this: in actualism, one puts one’s attention on being here … now .
When feelings cause one’s awareness to wander from actualism’s focus, it is attentiveness that reminds one that one’s mind is being manipulated … and why one is doing this happening called being alive.
If one is not in virtual freedom, one’s focus will be just a straight-forward application of matter-of-fact attention itself, just a simple noticing of whatever comes up without getting possessively involved: ‘Ah, this feeling … what is it … where is it … where did it come from … what is it made up of … what is it connected to …?’.
Virtual freedom re-establishes itself easily by the attentiveness that it has not been current. As soon as one is aware that one has not been attentive then one is experiencing sensuousness in virtual freedom … and thence: Apperceptiveness.
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ok for investigation …sometimes when i write here , i dont feel good why?
there is this feeling that people might say : " leila is stupid , she doesnt know anything " . and then i want to delete what i have written and so many other feelings come . even when i feel good my mind is saying why did you write that …and from feeling good i come to feeling bad …
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Yes stick with this fascination! The fascination will enable you to increasingly allow yourself to see ‘your’ true nature - and accept it more and more (very important) - which makes everything a lot more fun and easy 
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Thank you Frank …
Alexander33
" I just thought of an example of this. I find when I’m really enjoying being here the identity searches for something to worry about."
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@leila what if you started a journal? We’re wandering away from the original post
It’s all interesting stuff but a journal would be more catch-all maybe 
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I like to start a journal , but it s a little bit scarry , here is more safe ,it s like i m hiding behind a wall and writing and can go hide again .a journal is more like a open space ,and with this nagging mind i cant handle it .
But appreciate it hennry .and thanks for the investigation thread .i m starting to read it now …6:36 a.m
Thanks henryyyy that was very helpful to me
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i went for a walk this afternoon , i stand beside a tree and started crying .it is silly , it was silly i know but i cant help it . I dont know which one made me feel bad : our neighbors are going back to their country for the entire summer , and the other neighbor today , when saw me from far away , she grabbed her 5 year old son and went the other way , as if she was running away from me . these two episodes making me sad , angry and maybe jealous .
this morning i was feeling really great …almost 3 hours of slowly walking enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive …it was the best moment ever …but the episode two, made all the feeling good and feeling great go away …when i am in my walks i feel like i m getting close to self emulation, but when i m back to real life , i see that how far i am from actually become free…and this makes me feel really bad …
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as i was crying i was talking to the tree which i was standing beside it , and saying: Please universe help …sometimes at night i say Richard please help …
i dont know what is it with this neighbor . their house is next to our house , and sometimes i hear her yelling and cursing at her 5 year old son .i m afraid of her and at the same time angry at her … whenever i see them , i play with the little kid …maybe she doesn’t like that . i remember the little kid asking me if i can go to his birthday and his mom’s face was like " no way " .she said we are not gonna be here for your birthday … me is anger , empathy , justice …
this hate this anger this justice , these are all me , and i dont want them …so i dont want me …
Leila, love the exploration and openness here. ‘You’ don’t want ‘You’ because of all these unpleasant feelings. That is completely understandable. But all ‘you’ can ever be is ‘you’ - so you might as well accept it 
Not that you have to accept feeling bad of course. You realise that you are your feelings and see if you get back to feeling good.
Another thing you can look at is the good feelings. You’ve expressed a lot of thanks and gratitude to a lot of people here. You might want to think about the feeling of gratitude as it is the other side of the bad feelings of indebtedness, resentment, fear of others and so on.
Similarly you can think about the good feeling components to feelings of anger, injustice etc Often these are the socially acceptable feelings of love, belonging etc. Realise that the good and bad feelings are combined package that form a ‘world’ that you can slowly become more and more free from - and that is even before actual freedom,
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Oh Srinath it means a lot to see an actually free person ,a free body , is responding to my writings …it makes me feel really great as if i am in PCEs… 
this part is the hardest part …the good feeling component of the bad feelings.
i m starting to work on this one now .
I’m so grateful
Ok but look you’re doing it again haha. Yes I know the feeling. I used to be similarly pleased when Richard responded to my posts - even if it was just to criticise me 
You might want to see how putting people like me up on a pedestal may open opportunities for disappointment, loss etc. Something similar may be happening with this angry woman neighbour of yours too.
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Yes, but this time I was aware of it, that’s why i put a laughing sticker . . Maybe I should have put a blinking sticker, but because in our culture, it is not good for a woman to put a blinking sticker for a man , i did not put it …
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I am reading this part of investigation that you wrote Srinath …
d) See the good feelings that are maintaining the bad feelings
Once you have some familiarity with investigations and know your broad feeling themes, your basic fantasies and beliefs – then, you can start to explore the good feelings that are often responsible for shoring up the bad feelings e.g. Feeling of loneliness may be due to your venerating of feelings of love and belonging. Feelings of being dejected and ashamed may relate to your prizing of good feelings of status, pride and social respectability.
Becoming sincerely aware of the good feelings, behind the bad feelings can be a powerful experience. Sometimes this realisation is enough to unravel years of bad feelings and painful emotions that you have been experiencing.
In the grocery store example, I may realise that I have been treasuring a certain sense of power and virility as a man. It was only because of these values that I fell on my face when the other man cut in front of me. Taking care not to moralise or lecture myself on this point, I simply acknowledge the realisation and get back to feeling good.
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