Kub933's Journal

[son_of_bob]

@Kub933

Very briefly I saw that ‘I’ have never existed in any way shape or form, I saw this so directly and so concretely that it was mind-blowing. The fact that ‘I’ have no existence whatsoever, even to call ‘myself’ a ghost is to ascribe some sort of spiritual form, but even this is not seeing the situation clearly. The fact is that ‘I’ do not exist even in the slightest, no such thing AT ALL. I actually struggle to find the correct words to describe the utter non-existence of ‘me’, although ‘I’ am still here apparently writing these words lol

Holy shit, this has struck a chord with me. The thought seems thrilling and frightening…

@Kub933

The thing that this rememoration has been leading to as well is that I seem to find it easier and easier to orient myself towards Actuality, like my antennas are more primed to find it now.

Is the rememoration like a spontaneous thing then?

@Kub933

I sometimes ‘picture’ actuality as just behind some thick and cloudy feelings and beliefs like if I clean up reality enough I will see actuality. But this is not so at all! ‘I’ exist completely locked away from the actual world, in some weird psychic bubble that exists nowhere and nowhen. When this bubble disappears I literally find myself in a whole new world, how incredible!

I think I have done this too. Like the method is the window wipers of a car cleaning the car windows of squashed bugs until everything is clear and crisp. So, I think that I have some part to play and will make it happen. I am becoming aware of my internal workings more…this “me-ness”…it is weird. I just need that bubble to burst again lol.

It sounds like there is a lot of changes going on for everybody at the moment. Like a momentum building up.

[Kub933]

@son_of_bob

Holy shit, this has struck a chord with me. The thought seems thrilling and frightening…

@son_of_bob

Is the rememoration like a spontaneous thing then?

Yeah it seems spontaneous, it is like I begin to be drawn towards something (I am usually delighting at this point) and then a memory pops up, like it is unlocked. I don’t know if it is that I taste perfection first which opens up the memory or if the memory leads to me tasting perfection but they seem to coincide. There is no forcing in all this at all though which makes it quite fun because lately it is happening more and more often of its own accord.

@son_of_bob

I think I have done this too. Like the method is the window wipers of a car cleaning the car windows of squashed bugs until everything is clear and crisp

Yes that is a good way to describe it and it seems that no matter how clean I make this window ‘I’ am still locked away, the moment I find myself in the actual world is like I have stepped out of the car and found myself in a whole new world, one that could never be seen whilst looking out through the window, and looking back the car has disappeared also!

@son_of_bob

It sounds like there is a lot of changes going on for everybody at the moment. Like a momentum building up.

This one is a funny one, I remember talking to @JonnyPitt on Skype and mentioning I wasn’t that bothered about PCEs anymore because I am aiming for self immolation now and he said that he remembered thinking the same thing 5 years ago

[claudiu]

@son_of_bob

It sounds like there is a lot of changes going on for everybody at the moment. Like a momentum building up.

I had a vision of the members of this forum being a swirling vortex of a piece of ‘humanity’, swirling around the center “point” of actuality, and as time goes on more ‘people’ join in and start spiraling in as well, maybe eventually it’ll be a giant vortex that consumes all of ‘humanity’!!!

[son_of_bob]

@Kub933

Yeah it seems spontaneous, it is like I begin to be drawn towards something (I am usually delighting at this point) and then a memory pops up, like it is unlocked. I don’t know if it is that I taste perfection first which opens up the memory or if the memory leads to me tasting perfection but they seem to coincide. There is no forcing in all this at all though which makes it quite fun because lately it is happening more and more often of its own accord.

I am getting a better understanding of what it at play and how I have approached things incorrectly in the past. Thinking there was someway I could bring about this rememoration, chasing the past again totally devoid of current time awareness let alone being happy and harmless.

@Kub933

Yes that is a good way to describe it and it seems that no matter how clean I make this window ‘I’ am still locked away, the moment I find myself in the actual world is like I have stepped out of the car and found myself in a whole new world, one that could never be seen whilst looking out through the window, and looking back the car has disappeared also!

I was going to say this too you beat me to it. I am finding myself very good at getting current time awareness now of what is operating in me, I find I get myself back to this okishness state before I managed to get back to a more happier/felicitous/fascinated state. The okishness is still better than some extremely negative or positive state, but in this okishness I am starting to find myself perplexed as to my inner workings. Noticing this virtual self that I talk to, like two me’s having a conversation.

@Kub933

This one is a funny one, I remember talking to @JonnyPitt on Skype and mentioning I wasn’t that bothered about PCEs anymore because I am aiming for self immolation now and he said that he remembered thinking the same thing 5 years ago

Still better than Srid’s total dismissal of anything of any value happening here. Zero progress in this heavily censored chat room.

[son_of_bob]

@claudiu

I had a vision of this forum being a swirling vortex of a piece of ‘humanity’ swirling around the center “point” of actuality, and as the forum gets google hits ‘people’ join in and start spiraling in as well, maybe eventually it’ll be a giant vortex that consumes all of ‘humanity’!!!

Or like a black hole for selves…I think I see the event horizon…

[FrankN]

@son_of_bob

arting to find myself perplexed as to my inner workings. Noticing this virtual self that I talk to, like two me’s having a conversation.

Wonderful, @son_of_bob ,that means genuine self enquiry; I am going to orient myself toward doing the
same.

Btw, reading this recent post, I got jealous and upset feelings about Kuba’s progress,. And started some investigation into myself ( and an internal conversation as you mentioned )
and it was easy to come back to feeling good.

Thanks son_of_bob

[Kub933]

@FrankN

I got jealous and upset feelings about Kuba’s progress

This whole thing of ‘progress’ is an interesting one, lately it does seem to me there are only 2 stages - before actual freedom and after actual freedom. ‘I’ am either still here or not, the only other way it makes sense for me to demarcate progress is how I am feeling each moment.
If I am consistently spending more and more time feeling happy and harmless that’s a pretty good thing because it actually means something, as in I am feeling good, life is great, I am not spending my life (the only one I have) being miserable.

However it seems it’s too easy to have various experiences, realisations etc and then weave a story out of them as to how ‘I’ am somehow onto the next level of actualism (whatever that means ) and all the while not applying the method which is enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive.

So it seems that whole thing of ‘progress’ is a thing to be looked at in itself.

[claudiu]

@Kub933

So it seems that whole thing of ‘progress’ is a thing to be looked at in itself.

Yea it’s like there’s …

• “I’ll never be free”
• “I’ll never feel good consistently it’s too hard”
• “I’ll be free really soon now!”
• “I hope I’ll be free soon”
• “I’ll definitely be free by like a year from now”
• “fuck why am I not free yet???”
• “damn it I’m upset now , I had such a good run of feeling good now I broke it fuck me”

And then there’s like

• “Oo it’s really nice being alive”
• “wow there’s this pure purity that I can ride/I am riding like a wave”
• “there’s no thrilling or magic element im feeling now but if I reflect on it I am basically feeling good, and even this is great”
• “Woa I’m feeling really upset , what happened let’s take a look…”
• “I’m feeling anxious about this. I can’t pretend I’m not. It means I’m a person that feels anxious about things like this … this is part of how ‘I’ tick. How about that, I never really put that together before even though it’s obvious now.”

One set of these is more the right track!

[son_of_bob]

@FrankN

Btw, reading this recent post, I got jealous and upset feelings about Kuba’s progress,. And started some investigation into myself ( and an internal conversation as you mentioned )
and it was easy to come back to feeling good.

I remember very much during the beginning of my depression feeling really intensely jealous of those who seemed to be happy and felicitous and doing well with the method, whilst reading the forums back then. Over the years a lot of that would be directed towards @Srinath and @claudiu because they seemed to be the most successful in that realm, at least always articulating things very well.

What is really bizarre, is I began to feel jealous of myself, of the version of me before the accident. I started to form this history of two versions of me, one before the accident and one after. I wanted to go back to the more successful with the method old me. The version of me that hadn’t suffered physically and mentally so much, I wanted to go back to that ignorance.

It clearly ties into that need to identity and define boundaries for everything. We then split up our internal experiences in to reference points of different revelations of changes.

@claudiu

• “Oo it’s really nice being alive”
• “wow there’s this pure purity that I can ride/I am riding like a wave”
• “there’s no thrilling or magic element im feeling now but if I reflect on it I am basically feeling good, and even this is great”
• “Woa I’m feeling really upset , what happened let’s take a look…”
• “I’m feeling anxious about this. I can’t pretend I’m not. It means I’m a person that feels anxious about things like this … this is part of how ‘I’ tick. How about that, I never really put that together before even though it’s obvious now.”

@claudiu well said lol! It was like reading my own reference points for past experiences and thought patterns.

[FrankN]

@son_of_bob

It clearly ties into that need to identity and define boundaries for everything. We then split up our internal experiences in to reference points of different revelations of changes.

Could you expand on this @son_of_bob ?

[Kub933]

Something interesting has been coming into the picture lately, it is all to do with ‘surviving’. More specifically it is all to do with seeing that ‘my’ existence is a desperate fight for ‘survival’. Of course none of this ‘fighting to survive’ is actually going on, this body is doing just fine living haha. But nevertheless ‘I’ exist in a bubble where life is a grim ‘battle for survival’.

Seeing this so clearly is making it very obvious why ‘I’ am the way ‘I’ am, in short a nuisance to myself and others. ‘I’ make life so unnecessarily complicated but this is because ‘I’ am continually fighting some psychic battle to survive 24/7, this is what ‘I’ am as the survival instinct.

No wonder why there are certain basic features of ‘me’ that are so silly but still they keep going, such as :

• A desperate need to generate security in all situations (through all sorts of silly behaviours).
• A desperate fear of any sort of change away from normal (clinging to the status quo).
• A desperate need to climb the social ladder and to defend ‘my’ place to the death (with all the day to day conflict this entails).
• A desperate need to scheme, plan and control.
• A desperate need to form groups with others (with all the problems this entails)
• A desperate need to amass more and more, and there is never enough.
• and many more.

Seeing all this as the natural result of what ‘I’ am is really quite relieving, it’s once again seeing that ‘I’ am not evil, ‘I’ am rotten to the very core yes but there is a reason for this. ‘I’ arise out of the instinctual package for survival, therefore ‘my’ very ‘being’ is the drive to survive, this means ‘my’ world is a grim arena where ‘I’ claw ‘my’ way to ‘survive’, which means ‘my’ very energy, is that ‘fight to survive’.

This expresses itself in ‘me’ being a nuisance, but at least now I see WHY and this is big because there is no more forcing, no more blame, no more morality.

[Andrew]

@Kub933

• A desperate need to generate security in all situations (through all sorts of silly behaviours).
• A desperate fear of any sort of change away from normal (clinging to the status quo).
• A desperate need to climb the social ladder and to defend ‘my’ place to the death (with all the day to day conflict this entails).
• A desperate need to scheme, plan and control.
• A desperate need to form groups with others (with all the problems this entails)
• A desperate need to amass more and more, and there is never enough.
• and many more

It may be of interest that as a ‘self’ I can’t relate to many of these.

This ‘self’ seeks survival in far less sensible ways.

Actively creating financial insecurity, relationship insecurity.
Actively changing everything, and being employed to change everything. Allergic to doing anything without first finding a way to do it differently.
Actively being outside of social ladders.
Almost no schemes, plans and control.
Almost non existent group forming habits.
A mild, and unenthusiastic collection of things.

Yet, here ‘i’ am!!

Still surviving as a ‘self’.

It’s quite amazing how two people can have almost opposite ways of “survival” .

I actually like yours better. It looks more sensible.

[Kub933]

What is coming up today is that the ‘other way of being’ which is not all about merely ‘surviving’ is naiveté.

The way I am experiencing it is that ‘surviving’ and the overarching seriousness that is core to this ‘way of being’ is the complete opposite of naiveté. Naiveté is a way out of that predicament, because it is that place BEFORE things got serious, before it all became a grim battle for survival. It is that place where life was playful and carefree.

And I am experiencing this literally as two modes of ‘being’, it depends which way ‘I’ choose to travel. The serious MO is where ‘I’ am instinctively/automatically pulled towards. Therefore in the absence of attentiveness ‘I’ drift into that place each time.

However with attentiveness I can catch myself beginning to travel into ‘seriousness’ again and seeing where it leads I can decide to go into naiveté instead.

This has been bringing up some objections towards living life via naiveté. Objections which revolve around whether I will be able to look after myself without those ‘strong defences’ of constantly being ‘on guard’.

So it seems like a textbook sorta situation haha :

1 - See that where I am currently going is not delivering the goods.
2 - Identify an alternative that does deliver the goods.
3 - Explore both ‘my’ resistance to the way that delivers the goods as well as ‘my’ addiction to the way that does not deliver the goods.
4 - Habituate ‘myself’ towards this other alternative which delivers the goods.

In general as well my understanding of what naiveté is, is beginning to click. I always found naiveté difficult to grasp (probably cos I had none ), was it meant to be some feeling? What exactly is it? It seemed the descriptions on the website were always referring to other things like - artless and then I was wondering what artless was all about .

What I am seeing now experientially is that naiveté is more a way of ‘being’, it is a place inside ‘myself’, a place that I had abandoned a long time ago.

The reason why the words on the website would not click was because naiveté has to be lived to be understood fully. But because I had buried it so deeply within myself I was unable to relate experientially, it was just a bunch of words that pointed to nothing.

It is kinda like the whole feeling good thing and how it can take years to click that what is being spoken about is so damn simple and down to earth. Yet here ‘I’ am with ‘my’ sophisticated formulations on what feeling good is. Kinda like the pope dishing out advice on sexual relations, just what understanding is he proceeding from? Certainly not experiential!

Feeling good is what I see in my little brother when he is running about squeeling and having a good time with his toys, and naiveté too of course.

But the problem is that ‘my’ socially conditioned mind has to make everything so damn sophisticated (aka complicated), make everything into some intellectual dilemma. In doing so I blind myself to such simple things as feeling good, naiveté, sincerity. ‘I’ am looking for formulas for things that come from a place that has nothing to do with formulas and intellectualisations. No wonder a farm boy was the one to eventually crack all this.

[Andrew]

@Kub933

Kinda like the pope dishing out advice on sexual relations, just what understanding is he proceeding from? Certainly not experiential!

You may need to read up on the history of the Roman Catholics, they would love everyone to believe what you said to be true.

@Kub933

Yet here ‘I’ am with ‘my’ sophisticated formulations on what feeling good is.

This is gold.

I am finding the closer I am to being perfect in my words and deeds, the easier feeling good is. There isn’t a trick, or secret sauce. I am happy current discussion is highlighting integrity for me, because it is so close to the intrinsic perfection of the universe. No need to formulate anything when one is aiming for perfection.

It does get uncomfortable. However it’s fun how simple it really is.

I spent 3 hours last night having dinner and talking with my brother. We both love arguing, and hearing ourselves talk. It’s probably why we are alive and our other brothers not so much; we can’t imagine a world without our opinion

It got, finally, to the point I had him on the ropes; a simple strategy of being very particular about axioms and premises. Then, when I told him that the universe was perfect ( it only takes 2 a priori axioms to prove this) he pulled the naivete card on me and asked “but why?”. I finally mustered “because it can’t be compared to anything else”.

Clever. He had me.

It was a great end to the evening , and did focus me on the simplicity of what we aim for. We are either experiencing perfection, or we are not. There is no sophisticated formulation required to determine this.

[Kub933]

@Andrew

You may need to read up on the history of the Roman Catholics, they would love everyone to believe what you said to be true.

That seems like a pretty large task and I am not that interested in Roman Catholicism. But I do want to grasp your point so could you expand on this @Andrew ?

Unless you are making a rather dark joke here about the popes and priests actual sexual relations?

[Andrew]

Dark joke mate. Indeed, I suggest for your peace of mind not researching anything about any pope ever.

[Miguel]

@Kub933

with attentiveness

It is certainly a part of AF that is often forgotten/overlooked, as if we wanted to reach habituation in one leap and also stay there without oscillating, forever, magically.

[Elgin]

@Kub933

In general as well my understanding of what naiveté is, is beginning to click. I always found naiveté difficult to grasp (probably cos I had none ), was it meant to be some feeling? What exactly is it? It seemed the descriptions on the website were always referring to other things like - artless and then I was wondering what artless was all about .

What I am seeing now experientially is that naiveté is more a way of ‘being’, it is a place inside ‘myself’, a place that I had abandoned a long time ago

That’s exactly my experiance. I was alywas struggling with this “naivity thing”, until I could really feel it inside of me. Like a little happy child that wants to come out to play.
Then it became the child that wants to poke holes into all kinds of things. Just out of curiosity and fun. For me naivity and curiosity are very, very closely linked.

[Kub933]

It was super fun this morning reading @henryyyyyyyyyy’s post and noticing that love has been seen through to an extent that I don’t know if I could believe in it anymore, it has lost its substance and become a word that refers to nothing much but various fantasies that we ascribe to it, it is a belief that seems to have vanished, at least the romantic love.

There is still a deeper more fundamental kind of love that comes from nurture itself which remains, the sort of love that would make me suffer if someone close to me died, it seems to be the very instinct of nurture itself, this seems to be something that will remain as long as ‘I’ remain.

But what has been fun is noticing how the belief in love can vanish like it did, then love is seen for what it is, a creation. What this has left in me is this hunger to find any other ‘creations’ that I still give credence to, because I have this strong confidence that they can equally dissolve.
If something as big as love can dissolve then surely all the other things I was not willing to question can dissolve also, one of those was authority which I discussed with @Andrew in the other thread. Another one is belonging and of course the daddy of all fantasies is ‘me’

I am primed and on the look out for them haha will see which one comes first!

[Kub933]

I had some resentment pop up at work today when I was asked to do a job I was not really that thrilled to do but yet I knew that ‘I had to do’.

So I did a little exploration into this resentment and noticed something interesting.

Resentment seems to exist because of the illusion that I have no autonomy, that ‘I have to do things’.

There is so many things ‘I have to do’, the more resentful people could write endless lists I am sure! :

• Pay taxes
• Go to work
• Look after myself and others
• Act in a certain way around certain people/in certain circumstances
• Etc

Now I notice quickly that the resentment is not really to do with the task itself, the tasks themselves are not that bad at all if I am feeling good. The resentment is because ‘I have to do’, I resent them for ‘making me do things’ like a little kid that is pissed off because he has to do homework instead of playing outside.

Now if I want to do a little thought experiment it is plainly obvious that I do not have to do any of those things.
When my boss asks me to do a job I do not like I can actually turn around spit on the floor and say suck on this
Now of course I do not do this because that would be silly. So on some level I recognise that I do these things because it makes sense to do them.

We cannot get away from the fact that we exist in a world of people things and events, we are always ‘constrained’ by the factual nature of each situation we find ourselves in. So if I am driving down a road that has a left and right turn, I cannot decide to go up. Now am I to say the road is ‘making me’ only turn left or right? or is that being silly?

Now if I am working in a certain environment that requires certain things (and I have made a choice to be there) is it silly to believe that ‘I am made to do things’? I think so!

However resentment would have me believe that my boss, the authorities in my life and society at large has stolen my autonomy! They have literally ripped it from my hands and locked it away from me and now they ‘make me do things’. The funny reality of it is that actually I was the one who willingly locked away my own autonomy because of belief, a belief in power and authority.

Our of fear and awe I locked away my autonomy and I simply went around believing that ‘I am being made to do stuff’. All the while unilaterally making the decisions to walk down whatever path it is that I am travelling.

Funny how much can change on the inside whilst from the outside I am living that same life, making those same choices and yet this whole cloud of authority, power, resentment etc is being lifted, because it makes no sense.