Kub933's Journal

This seems to resonate with me. More the first bit, that “somebody of importance” doesn’t even have to be within the group. Perhaps it has a mystical connection for me. “Someone of Importance”.

Isn’t that God?

Yeah to be god is the ultimate claim to that special status but it’s exactly the same old game of being a group member, the game as old as ‘humanity’. What happens when you shove a bunch of self-centred ‘entities’ into a group, each wants to climb up the hierarchical ladder where resources are more plentiful, where there is more security to escape that instinctual fear.

But this is why in a PCE the above is seen as unnecessary, because there is no danger and so there is no need to claw for survival, and so there is no need to be somebody special within the group, a god even.

After-all even god had to create humans so that they could forever worship him and remind him of his greatness :laughing: Even god is alone.

What if you could climb into a solo spaceship, equipt to sustain you indefinitely, and journeyed out into deep space?

Would you still be part of a group? What would that feeling be then?

As Richard said, the source of loneliness isn’t the absence of people, but rather not being right here, right now.

I don’t know but from what I can see the boundaries between ‘me’ as an identity and ‘humanity’ as the ‘group’ are so intertwined that I can’t see how you can have one without the other, it’s all part of that same package.

The above applies here too as I see it. For how can ‘I’ be an identity without ‘others’ and so loneliness is part and parcel of being a group member, of being ‘human’.

This is what I was writing about earlier, that all the emotions, all the dramas they are all aspects of the same web. I guess this is why the only way to end loneliness as well as all other feelings and dramas is to delete the whole package.

Although Devika wrote in Richards journal that she eliminated her social identity, experientially I can’t see how this is possible, to completely cease being a group member and still remain an identity.

I just can’t see what would be left so sustain the ‘self’ at this point.

So I re-read my posts in the last 2 years and…. Man I am going around in circles! :joy:

Maybe spirals not circles? :slight_smile:

Maybe, I just noticed that the same territory that I was describing then I am describing now and I’m describing it as if it’s new.

I guess there is only so many realisations I can have until there is just 1 thing left to do which is to commit fully to enjoying and appreciating, that I still haven’t done, that would indeed be something entirely new for me.

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@Kub933 Personally speaking, I had to commit to feeling good before I could enjoy and appreciate.

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Thanks @jamesjjoo will bear this in mind.

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Caring, obsession and perfection…

So I had an interesting conversation with Sonya yesterday, I got home with something on my mind as I messed up a technique I was showing in class and noticed that I was driven to continue going over the situation in my head.

This is something that I have observed for a long time in myself, this inclination to get obsessive-compulsive about things.
In the past I would try to counteract this tendency by applying the ‘tried and true’ methods of self-acceptance and moderation. Things like “oh well we’re all humans and we make mistakes, just try better next time, don’t try to be perfect as you’ll drive yourself crazy”. The thing is this way of approaching it never lead to any satisfactory resolution.

What I noticed recently is that there is a fundamental inclination within me and I assume within every human being to simply perform at the optimum in each situation. This is why the approach of self-acceptance and moderation does not work, because it is trying to block this aspect of oneself, but in my experience I would simply come back to caring, I cannot stop caring.

Upon further reflection yesterday I thought “why would I want to stop caring”? I have tried this all my life ‘to not care’ and I have failed time and time again, deep down this is an aspect of myself that I cannot switch off, and furthermore I don’t want to switch it off.

Contemplating the above made me think back to Richard’s iconoclastic advice to indeed aim for perfection, to embrace becoming obsessed, to dare to care. He never advised to minimise these things and gloss them over with moderation - in fact that is the tried and failed way.

So seeing the above released some of the shackles that I had placed on caring, I gave myself permission to become obsessed with reaching perfection, after-all isn’t that what this is all about? ‘I’ might never get to perfection but ‘I’ become obsessed about getting as close to perfection as humanly possible, no longer selling myself short by adopting moderation.

But there is something dirty there right now, and this is what I have been trying to get to the bottom of. If the goal is to enjoy and appreciate this moment of being alive then being emotionally driven to think about a scenario over and over is missing the mark. But I have already accepted that obsession with perfection is not the problem.

What I have come to realise so far is that there is this fundamental slant in each human being towards perfection, however being an identity ‘I’ am only able to turn this tendency in line with the morals and values already cemented in reality, which means it is directed towards a dead end every time, towards frustration, towards failure - hence the ultimate cop-out of moderation and self-acceptance.

But what I see now is that caring and consideration is indeed to be cranked up, and so is the obsession with perfection, not a moral perfection mind you but an obsession with actually being perfect - these are all things to be cranked up.

The thing that needs to be eliminated from the scenarios is (in the simplest sense) ‘me’, the thing which is dirty, the thing which is blocking, the thing which is pointing caring towards a dead end.

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OK I see it now and indeed it is exactly what Richard describes in his journal, nice to arrive at the same discovery myself though!

Actual perfection does exist and is to be lived, however humans so far have only known to pursue a moral perfection, which not being actual it can never be arrived at. Therefore the pursuit of perfection (as understood within reality) leads inevitably to failure and frustration, hence devising the coping strategy of self-acceptance and moderation.

Ultimately this links back to one of the core beliefs of reality, that perfection can never be lived, it can only be stretched towards, in suffering.

Now doesn’t this put into context the statement that - the enlightened beings are to be blamed for the continuation of human suffering! Because they were the ones who did not go all the way and instead came back with the unliveable, the morals and ethics. They diverted perfection towards something that can never be attained and kept ‘humanity’ spinning around in circles.

So to bring this back into the practical, of course I want to be perfect, I want my responses to be optimal at all times, why wouldn’t I? And even as it pertains to something as mundane as teaching a martial arts class. Why should I accept myself as I am right now, when I know that perfection is possible. The trick is to sort through the various values, morals and beliefs which give me a false target.

I remember the zoom with Geoffrey and I noticed that no matter how long the conversation went on for, it seemed impossible for him to loose interest, as in it was impossible for him not to be fully involved in what is happening now, this is an example of actual perfection, of nothing ‘dirty’ left that could spoil things.

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OK plot twist, is it that my compulsive drive to be the ‘perfect coach’ (aka a moral perfection) is because I am not living actual perfection.

I am replacing actual perfection (which I stand in the way of) with a dirty ‘perfection’, the best ‘I’ know of.

This makes sense because in a PCE there is no concern for the moral perfection, it has become an outmoded concept. But that is because one is living actual perfection.

Whereas looking from within reality ‘I’ am always crippled by the never-ending pursuit of a moral perfection. Is this simply the best ‘I’ can reach as an identity? To forever split hairs over whether I ticked enough boxes to be considered perfect as per ‘humanity’.

Haha I am getting more and more of a sense of what Srinath writes on the simple actualism page. That the later stages are all about realising more and more that the only way forward is self-immolation. As in whichever way ‘I’ twist and turn, ‘I’ can never overcome ‘my’ Achilles heel.

This is a weird place to be in because the intent to be free continues to build even though the realisation that ‘I’ can never get there becomes ever more salient. It’s like I am building and building this intent which has nowhere to go?

Ha…it has somewhere to go…namely oblivion. :slight_smile:

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Yeah just how to calibrate onto such a target :thinking:

indeed that is the million dollar question!

Doing nothing…

So this is something that has been coming up time and time again recently. It seems like in this regard I have barely made any progress. It also seems fundamental to the application of the method, what it is all about - enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive.

I noticed the other day that I no longer resent the basic activities of day to day living - working, training, going to the shop, doing chores etc which is kinda cool and it wasn’t like this at all when I first started. These things were full of resentments and dramas, so just getting through the day without ending up sorrowful and malicious was a challenge.
Nowadays those basic day to day activities cause no problem at all, they do not disturb my equilibrium, it’s all very easy and stable which means there is also very little stress all round.

But life being so easy has opened up this new thing which is that I don’t know what to do with myself when nothing specific is going on. There is more and more time to simply do nothing, but this is problematic in itself haha.

There is now this big open space, free of dramas but at the same time completely empty! Most of the time I simply find things to think/feel about and in this way I can distract myself, but this is just wasting time.

The funny thing is that there isn’t even many ‘actualist things’ left that require my attention, so I can’t even justify distracting myself in this way anymore :joy:

So the genuine actualist thing to do is the only thing left, which is to enjoy and appreciate this moment of being alive, the 1 thing it seems I never learnt to do!

I remember Geoffrey advising in the zoom video that if one wants to do some ‘actualist activity’ then instead of ‘PCE practice’ one should spend time doing nothing but enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive.

Srinath mentioned something similar in the ‘doing nothing’ thread a while ago although he recommended a more ‘conditional’ approach, of seeing if any specific pleasurable things can be noticed when one is simply chilling in a room etc and to build from there.

This in itself is something I have been looking at, the difference between enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive (unconditional) and enjoying and appreciating things such as colours, sounds etc (conditional) it seems to me that ultimately they are one and the same thing but with different entry points.
As in one cannot be aware of being here without the senses sensing, therefore any unconditional enjoyment has sensate experience at root also.
It seems that I can start with this ‘conditional’ enjoyment until it starts to saturate my experience to a point where anything and everything is now experienced as enjoyable.

And this is what I experienced earlier on today when I spent sometime following Geoffrey’s and Srinath’s advice. I was chilling in the bath and firstly allowed myself to ‘settle into being here’, to a point where it seemed comfortable to be here and doing nothing specific, there was a subtle stillness in the background which was different to the usual spinning vortex of thoughts and emotions, this in itself felt good.

Eventually (and this was very weak at first) I started noticing little things here and there that grabbed my attention in a fascinating and pleasurable way.
The ‘weakness’ I realised is not a true measure of the pleasurability of sensate experience but rather is because ‘I’ completely dominate the scene with emotion.
So the more ‘I’ step back the more intrinsically delightful sensate experience becomes (as it has been all this time in actuality).
After a little while I started to get genuinely surprised at just how juicy and fascinating the sensate world is, sensuosity seemed to feed back into fascination and vice versa, this eventually combined to produce a sense of wonder and magic.

This is as far as it got, not quite an EE and not a PCE but it is the first time I was able to ‘make it happen’ as opposed to landing in a EE or PCE by accident.
I’m quite excited to see where this goes, I like that it is something that I can actively do as opposed to waiting.

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Such an interesting coincidence.

I’ve been contemplating my old fascination with, hmm, how shall I say it? Esoteric cogitations? :rofl:

Basically, asking particular questions of meaning about existence, and exploring the assumptions around them.

For example, the prevailing popular science, and my default view, is that matter is basic and devoid of meaningful information. I mean, what would contain the information?

Then I started to think about all the amazing mathematics that goes into the research of things like the results of the LHC.

The prevailing “materialistic” view starts to get shaky when trying to comprehend the theories and discussions around the makeup of matter.

Then, I consider Richard’s observation that matter is not “merely passive” and that enjoying and appreciating is our meaningful purpose as conscious sentient beings.

Then it becomes obvious that whether I am in my current state, as a feeling being, or I was actually free, my purpose is exactly the same.

There is this beyond imagination universe, organised in unfathomable complexity, of which I am made of, and my purpose is to enjoy myself. Which is saying, my purpose as a conscious being is the enjoyment of the unfathomable complexity happening right now.

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