Although I can see that essentially I am asking myself - what do I do in order to want something that I do not actually want to do? 
There is no answer to such question.
I have these MMA shorts that have a logo printed on them - “You can’t teach heart”, I know it’s a terrible example lol but it’s kind of like that.
Alright, do you want me just to say it?
Alan was a fraud.
A pretender.
Indeed, if you have even the slightest faith in Richard, you are already lost.
It’s you and your experience of purity and perfection.
That is all.
The more you wonder why so and so isn’t doing it, the more likely you too will be a quickly forgotten footnote.
For whatever it’s worth, I have complete respect for the life Alan lived. I cried when he died, and realised that I had wasted my breath trying to convince him that he didn’t have forever to achieve what he claimed.
I will not make that mistake again.
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Yes it’s the experience of purity and perfection which is the guiding light but even that in itself is not enough to self immolate. It shows a way out, it gives confidence that there is a way out and yet that step is not taken until I want it to be taken.
This has been my exact experience so far, that I can be swimming in this purity and yet I know deep down that I am set on coming back to normal when it is all over. The purity does not decide for me to get a one way ticket.
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Yes.
Perhaps you want to be able to lead others there.
Maybe you are really enjoying being one of the few who “gets it”.
Both are nothing to be sneezed at.
However, everyone has to find there own way to being “here”.
No matter what, it’s a free choice what we do with our lives.
Well, sorta free. The options are not between equal paths after all.
As far as I can see it is neither of those, it seems to do more with a lack of a genuine reason to do something rather than something pulling me back.
This reason being - why on earth would I sacrifice myself. Although just from this convo I can see better that there will be no benefit for me as I won’t be around to experience it.
Maybe it’s something else.
Obviously.
You can of course wait for me to do it.
Seeing as I really am the appointed representative of the religious majority (there are at least 3 billion recalcitrant believers).
Perhaps your entire purpose was to get through to me.
I will do the rest, and remove the choice for you.
You will wake up tomorrow, free. No choice.
It probably won’t be tomorrow. Though I do have 100 grams drying for the weekend.
So if you want to beat me and enjoy some “post humourous” glory, I suggest not messing around.
Double laughing face. Winky face.
Yeah I guess it’s all good and fun to talk like this but at the end of the day it seems to amount to nothing more than bravado. Are you actually going to do it now or is it just some fun little back and forth to make us both believe that something is being done lol.
I guess the useful thing about trying all the ways that don’t work is that each time I am a step closer to discovering what will work.
It seems like I have done the rounds with the different ‘paths’
- The fuck it just do it
- The I am a good actualist can I be free now
- The I am a saviour to humanity
- The forced altruism aka morality
- The planning and scheming
So far they have all amounted to the same - nothing
However I think this is actually a good thing! I actually have no other ideas left, only this question mark hanging. Seems a good place to start a genuine exploration.
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Well, bravado aside, in normal terms you have everything going for you.
Why would you give all that up?
Indeed, there was an element of bravery in each of those ways of doing “it”.
Each one you tried, was indeed a hope you had to “cash in”.
You can’t go back to that hope anymore.
It done.
Yes exactly, and I can only intellectually come up with a reason which will inevitably involve one of the paths above haha.
Yes that is accurate, no hope but also no despair, I am actually having a great time whilst stuck.
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Right.
No one can tell you why you ultimately would want to do it.
Indeed, it has to be a free choice.
Something you genuinely want.
No one it going to trick you into it, not even your best thought out scheme.
I remember sitting with Richard and Vineeto while they were rather tired of dealing with me.
They were looking out over the river at some pelicans. Vineeto remarked how “cute” they were.
This was not long before Richard put on a stern face and told me “off” for a good 20 mins.
Something he said stuck with me, and I remembered it whilst tripping on Sunday.
“you make it [how you become free] up, after the fact” (paraphrasing badly).
Basically, you don’t really know why. It happens because.
It’s like the ultimate “why”.
Why should you know the end, when you don’t know how it began anyway?
Heck, Vineeto just “brushed the last cobwebs out” to be “here”.
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Let’s not forget, as far a Richard remembers, or made it up, it was the fact he was planting trees in a similar paddock to the ones he was clearing of trees as a teen.
Is that the reason “his world collapsed”?
I like this! This makes sense for anything genuine, the choice comes first and then I describe it in whatever logical way.
But if I try to reverse engineer this (which is what happens when I follow a recipe) then the description itself is exclusively focused on and emulated, the result is always shallow.
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Hehe yes, now you just have to actually do it 
I think more a matter of let yourself get sucked or pulled in…
Yes.
If you come up with a “should” now, you are infinitely capable of absorbing that into your story.
Maybe the best approach is Richard’s reported last approach as ‘Richard’; asking an open ended question which means something to you.
He was asking, apparently, “what he was giving out” that a woman would want to be his disciple.
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I am a novice psychonaut, but I am a veteran seeker;
No one can tell you how to get there. Not Richard. Certainly not me.
And no, @claudiu , the universe isn’t going to pull anyone in. There has been 103 billion humans (from one estimate I read).
That’s “god talk”.
But, maybe I am completely wrong.
Indeed, it’s sorta useless talking about it.
Indeed, every idea I could come up with will only ruin it for you.