Kub933's Journal

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282

Something interesting came up today with regards to authority. There are still 2 primary areas where authority plays a part in my life. Actually they are really 2 aspects of 1 area - work.

There is the authority between me and my boss and there is the authority between me and the customers who I deal with.

I was wondering why is it that my boss/customers are able to elicit an emotional response in me, why is it that they can ‘pull my strings’ or ‘dig their hooks into me’ or ‘chip away at me’. I knew that it is something I must be playing part in, because this is always the case when there is a power structure between people, both individuals are doing something to enter that arena. So I was thinking what is it that they ‘have on me’? What gives authority its power? I knew it was something within me, something that ‘I’ am participating in.

What I saw clearly today is that it is fear, the power of authority relies on fear. My boss has authority over me because of the fears which I hold about ‘what he could do’, and the same with the customer, the customer has authority because of my fears of ‘what they could do’. Specifically this revolves around some fearful fantasy of loosing my job, ending up on the streets etc. Or in general it is that feeling of ‘I will be in trouble/something bad will happen’.

What I realised is that if those fears did not exist in me, those individuals would be unable to enter any sort of power relationship with me. It would cut the whole thing at the root, then I am free to act intelligently as opposed to emotionally (by either cowering to or fighting against the authority).

Of course I do not wish to loose my job or be on the streets but the key is to distinguish between emotion, belief, fantasy and an intelligent appraisal of facts.

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Actually thinking about this more it is not so much the specifics of what could happen as those are quite easy to see as silly, it is more the general sense of ‘they can do something bad to me’ a lot of the time this ‘something’ cannot even be pinpointed, it is fear itself, I have simply learned to fear certain people based on ‘who’ they are - this is what gives them authority. So power and authority is completely reliant upon belief.

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Of course, there is the bare faced facts of any situation.

Can you get work elsewhere? Do you have “power”?

In the capitalist system, the central unit of “capital” is the means of production.

So, as an individual, are you in possession of a means of production?

This is where power lies in capitalism. Those who control the means of production possess power.

Assuming you are young, I would paternistically advise; practically increase your ownership of the means of production.

I was never given this advice, I stumbled into my profession. However, I have the power to work whenever I want for a very reasonable hourly rate. Why? I am personally a very potent means of production.

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Tldr; I can work until the day I die at a good hourly rate because I possess a difficult to replace means of production; me.

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Do you remember Srid talking about the “power of being unfazed”, in the face of police?

Yeah. Same. There is nothing sensible about “throwing of authority” without having a supervisor authority.

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Yeah but these are all practical solutions to something that has nothing to do with practicality, sensibility etc This is what I realise that it is not about the particulars of a situation or looking for ways to solve the problems of authority - usually by developing more power myself.
Because then I remain in that game in one form or another.

If I solve this problem of power within a workplace/capitalist situation by accumulating more power myself that’s great, but will I take the same approach with the authority in my relationship, family ties, friendships etc.

All in all what will I end up doing that is different to what everyone is already doing? Some version of ‘increasing my worth’.

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I think this might have been before my time, what was it all about?

I don’t quite follow this one, can you explain more?

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Yeah this sounds very sensible for sure :smiley: But I think I have already made my decision to remain an ‘actualist bum’ indefinitely. The cool thing is that all of my life I was never concerned in the slightest about ‘making it’ or accumulating this or that, I was just too afraid to have the confidence to live it.

Now I am free to be the bum I always wanted to be :laughing:

I turned 29 yesterday and so far this is exactly the path I want to continue travelling down.

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The other thing with authority and its power is that it seems to depend on the degree to which I believe this authority can affect my life vs my relative inability to affect theirs. Like an ant and a giant sorta set up, they can squash me whenever they like and there is nothing I could do to squash them in return.

So for example someone holding a gun to my head has the ultimate authority in that situation. My power is minimal and theirs is maximal, as in the ability to have an effect on me relative to my inability to have an effect on them.

Yet it is still that the power they are wielding is fear itself. It is because they can dip into that fearful place in me which gives them power and authority, yet I am cooperating in this thing to a degree, it is my fear which is the gateway to control.

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This seems a fun one to flesh out a bit more actually. When I was about 18 I was in France doing parkour and hanging out in some pretty dodgy areas :joy:

Either way I end up getting robbed at gunpoint with the guy pointing the gun directly at me and asking for phone and wallet.

The thing which I remember very well is that there was very little/no fear in the situation. I actually almost saw it as like a rational transaction, like he pulls a gun, I give him stuff and we both go on our merry way :joy: and this is exactly how it went down.

So in a sense it could be said that he had authority because he was dictating what happens and yet I did not feel compelled or controlled at all, I simply took in the facts and acted in the most sensible way, authority doesn’t seem to come into the picture here.

At one point he was rummaging through my bag with the hand which was holding the gun, there was the passing thought of - “I should do something now”, but then I immediately saw this was silly cos I knew he had no reason to shoot me.

So it seems there is a distinction to be made between being compelled to do something emotionally, due to fear for example, this is what allows control.

The second one is deciding to act intelligently even if the choice made is exactly that thing which the authority wants. It is still my choice and I am still free.

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Ha and I just caught myself out :smiley: If I am looking at a situation intelligently how could I possibly decide who is the authority? What values, principles, beliefs etc am I using to arrive at this conclusion? This is specifically because I am not looking intelligently, I am looking though belief.

I have already decided in advance who is the authority and so I have already given away the ability to look intelligently and act autonomously.

It is only ‘me’ who segregates the world of people, things and events into these illusory divisions, one of them being an authority.

Of course there is the authority in the sense of - superior competence at a given task/skill but that’s a whole different thing altogether as it is all to do with fact and none to do with belief.

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Apologies, it was a bit of a rant on my behalf.

Your experience of being mugged at gun point was in a way the perfect example.

The feelings that we seek to understand so we can become happier, more aligned with the actual, so we can make that choice at some point to be free, have their own reality, what is actually happening is actually happening! There really was a gun, someone holding it, and the chance that they would use it.

My example of having the means of production (some level of power) means I am as far as work goes, less subject to the practical whims of economic muggers!

So, absolutely be free off the feelings, but also being free(er) of the practical control is sensible too.

It’s the equivalent of choosing to avoid the dodgy areas of town.

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This “job security” scenario is a tricky one for sure…I’d asked one AF person(whose name I’m not allowed to share here) about this n they said something like - The social security system in that country eased up the fears a bit, but ultimately speaking each feeling - like fear in this case - has to be taken up n tackled in the same way as it is for other feelings

I find it sensible that I should atleast be working towards some good level of financial safety to ease these fears… but also, no amount of physical n financial safety will work to end those fears

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So recently something shifted in my desire to be exposed. There was a shift in how I decided that from now on I want to be relating to others. It actually came about by talking with @Sonyaxx because I realised that to some extent I was still keeping myself locked away from her, there were fears of fully exposing myself, all those grotty parts of myself that I was still keeping hidden.

Anyways a few days ago I decided no more, I was going to willingly expose myself because intimacy is what I want, since then I’ve had lots of conversations with Sonya, very frank ones often relating to sexuality as that is so often a stumbling block in relationships, in fact it’s such a huge thing to dig into.

And to my delight it has brought us closer, it has allowed us to relate with impunity, to be frank, direct, open, sincere. And it is a wonderful way to relate, as long as I am not afraid to admit that I am a fool or as long as I am not afraid to bring out in the open that which ‘shall not be spoken about’.

The outcome of this also seems to be the forum telling me to wait for someone to reply before I say more :joy:

But I realise that all this digging in and exposing can be fun, that it can have the effect of bringing everyone together.

I remember Peter and Vineeto writing that they got to a point where they couldn’t wait to expose their darkest, deepest secrets because they knew that this would only bring them together in harmony and intimacy, I am beginning to have this same sincere desire to expose myself.

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I’ve been really enjoying our conversations too! I’ve never been able to talk to a partner this way before, it really is eye opening and really nice :slight_smile: I remember before when we’d get to hard topics I’d feel myself shutting down, resenting the conversation and being defensive. However now it’s like a flip has been switched and those things don’t come up when we talk about hard topics. It’s really cool and I even get excited now when we have these chats! It’s like ooo what can we expose next! :slight_smile:

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This is something that goes against the commonly held relationship advice like “Be a bit mysterious” or “Don’t reveal yourself completely” etc…In Richard’s Journal, there is this article where a man n woman give Richard this kind of real world relationship advice - You keep a part of yourself secret and your partner does the same and then there is this common area where you meet your partner and this way of relating is what is necessary to have a healthy relationship(paraphrasing a bit here). Its like one of those Venn diagrams with ciricles overlapping with a common area hehe

Richard as usual gives a 180 degree opposite answer :rofl: and argues that this approach will infact prevent intimacy from occurring…I think Richard n Irene had also agreed not to use their secrets against each other

Fully exposing myself to my partner would look vulnerable n weak and secrets can be used against you…so perhaps this is why its scary to go this route…I guess men in particular may have more problem with this because of the whole “don’t look weak by expressing your shit…shove it all down”

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Yeah that essentially summarises the fears, but here comes the interesting part! Because a lot of the time (in the traditional way) if you open up to your partner it is tacitly assumed that they must reaffirm your feelings in a way that leaves you feeling good.

So if I say “do I look fat in this, tell me honestly because I am insecure” we all know what answer this is looking for and where it leads, not intimacy for sure!

So what I found from talking with Sonya is that sometimes it is exposed that we do indeed support the very beliefs which the other fears we might do.

So this is where it gets very fascinating indeed, for example I might find that Sonya does indeed look for a man to be an authority or I do indeed project beauty standards on her.

It is like finding out that your worst fear is actually the case in the other. But this is not the end of the road. Because then you can both question the validity of these beliefs with the common goal of removing everything in oneself which stands in the way of intimacy.

My job is not to make Sonya feel good about herself and neither it is her job to ensure that I feel good about myself.
The job is to expose, question and remove. Then if this is successful we reach a common ground, something factual that is concrete - this is the goal.

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This is superb stuff !

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Yeah its all pretty new to me and very exciting !

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So I had a really cool chat with @henryyyyyyyyyy and @emp on Saturday, there were 2 things which happened for me that were very useful. Actually it was a great reminder of why we discuss these things with others, so that we can help correct each others understanding.

The first bit was something that both @henryyyyyyyyyy and @emp pointed out, which was that I was psychologising my fear by running it as part of some ‘actualist progress map’. So I had this little story going that maybe I am experiencing the fear of death because it is the experience of pure intent which is pulling ‘me’ towards extinction. A neat little theory :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

And maybe it is so maybe it is not, the fact is though I was using this theory to cement this fear as something unavoidable and so I was locking myself in fear as opposed to enjoying and appreciating.

Actually it’s nice talking to actualists because they are not afraid to call you out! This was very useful for me to notice in myself.

The other thing which was BIG, was when I was talking to Henry about my performance anxiety when doing my weekend jobs, again I had lots of neat theories on why it is so.

@emp then mentioned that perhaps this is to do with the simple fact that I am addicted to suffering. And this made the clouds part finally, because no matter how much I investigated and broke down this performance anxiety it was still there.

At first it looked more like something habitual, I noticed that it is almost like clockwork for me at this point, in a similar way that when I wake up I find myself walking downstairs and rolling my morning cigarette. When it comes to Saturday around 2pm, my anxiety alarm clock knows it’s time, it is time to be anxious.

But also I noticed that if I was to imagine being at these hen party jobs without the slightest whiff of anxiety it would feel off, somehow wrong, not what I want.

So going deeper I noticed that I am addicted to being this rollercoaster of emotion, it makes me feel alive, it feels right to experience certain events through this up/down cycle.

And this can be very easily demonstrated actually! Because when I have a weekend off and I am just at home chilling, I feel there is something missing, I want some kind of excitement, some emotional stimulation and yet the next weekend when I am busy with the hen party jobs I find myself resenting having to experience this anxiety and pressure.

I noticed the same tendency when coaching martial arts, I am addicted to a certain up/down cycle of emotions, yesterday just before coaching I began to feel the same thing and the initial pull was into what I always do which is essentially getting drawn into that whole world. A world where there are problems and solutions, schemes and plans, dangers and security… But most importantly the visceral experience of the good/bad feelings, the thing which feels real to me like nothing else. Somehow I am perversely addicted to being that.

But yesterday I took a different route, seeing that I was doing this again and remembering what @emp mentioned I instead decided to allow myself to feel good. It felt weird at first, like I was doing something wrong, on some level I did not want to feel good, it felt like I was letting go of something important to me by feeling good.

But it worked, the weird cycle of anxiety and release was largely minimised and there was feeling good.

But this has left me wondering just to what extent I am simply addicted to suffering, lots more to explore for now.

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