That’s really interesting. Would you say that perhaps the default instinctual passions is like the canvas and conditioning the paint on it?
Yeah, or the passions are the paint itself but the conditioning is the sophisticated and ordered shapes that the paint is arranged into because of the capacity for intelligence.
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So I was just thinking about my reply to @MattWG23 and about the role of simply having fun on the wide and wondrous path.
It clicked just now that having fun is qualitatively different than either the good or the bad feelings in an important way.
The good and bad feelings are always about some other place and time than here now.
I may be fearful about being late for work, I may be feeling good about some impressive feat I accomplished earlier etc but I can never have fun about the past/future. For having fun implies involvement with this moment. And the more I can be here where this moment is happening the more ‘reality’ begins to fade away. And it can start with something as simple as having fun.
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Materialism may not contain spirituality but it does contain assumptions about the nature of existence, such as Richard’s oft-repeated ‘you can’t change human nature.’ I think that reflects on @edzd 's initial question, about what would happen if spirituality was never developed. We would still have animal nature becoming human nature, which as @edzd says, = not being relaxed.
Even if this is not called spirituality per se, it is still leaning on the belief in a metaphysical ‘self,’ aka Spirit (and in spiritual systems becomes a complexly understood ‘other world’ which is seen as more desirable than the material world). The thing is, the materialists aren’t free of spirit - they just fail to recognize the imprint that their fantastically-existing ‘real’ ‘self’ is having upon the factually-existing material world. Thus they can only ever see the material world as ‘cold and dead’ because that’s the closest to clarity they come before shying away from it. In fact they ultimately wind up endorsing a form of spiritual escapism by saying things like “we have to create our own meaning,” by which they mean pasting Self-developed hope-based meaning-systems on top of the material world.
The actual world is not ‘cold and dead’ because there is no self or Self there to paste on the feelings of ‘cold’ or ‘dead’ onto it.
It was only ever the spirit - sourced from animal instinctual passions - which could generate ‘cold and dead.’
And of course in the historical course of things, it was more like proto-animal humans experienced a fearful world with some desires to chase → becomes proto-belief systems and the birth of hallucination-based forms of spirituality → becomes advanced institutions of spirituality → science and materialism develop out of that cradle → actualism is born when one scientifically and spiritually-educated man dared to question the various truths espoused by both
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I made a breakthrough around the same time as this… psychic waves?
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So it seems I am back to taking another stab at stepping out from control. So many interesting contemplations going on recently, they all seem to circle back to control.
There is a daring that is building up, because from the position of being an identity, stepping out from control seems a big no no initially.
I feel fundamentally that I am required to keep this body safe, that there is a monster lurking just around the corner, waiting for me to drop my guard. All of the other dramas and constructs are really just products of this struggle.
The tricky thing goes somewhat like this though - from the position of the PCE it is seen with complete certainty that the ‘danger’ was never actual, yet it is me as the identity that dares to step out from control.
I do not have that safety prior to pushing off, even though I know that genuine safety is the inevitable outcome.
I can relate now to what Richard was writing about Vineeto traversing that wall of fear, on the other side is actuality where there was never a danger to begin with, yet it is the identity traversing that very real wall of fear to arrive at its own resolution.
To summarise - It seems ‘I’ must die a very real death, in order to realise that ‘I’ was never actual, what a fascinating/bizarre interplay of danger/utter safety.
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Ah and I see why self immolation cannot happen during a PCE. Why self immolation and a PCE are completely different things. A PCE is a brief experience of what it is like to be without a self but in order to self immolate it is ‘me’ who must walk the plank. Seeing the trailer and then committing to live the thing are vastly different events.
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So I think a year ago I wrote about going through a period of time with debilitating neck pain caused by grappling. I remember what it was like back then, at first I was deep in despair mode and really struggled feeling good whilst in constant pain.
I’ve just had another re-run with this nerve impingement situation and I am almost constantly in pain and guess what, it’s not stopping me from feeling good. I have been consistently in a good mood whilst in pain, I just no longer see any point in making the situation worse by applying a whole other layer of drama on top of the pain. Even the fact that I can’t sleep etc is not really that big of a deal at the end of the day if I am still feeling good.
I’d rather not have the pain and it certainly affects me in many ways but that’s as far as it goes really, so the method works 
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That monster is exactly the oblivion of self. It’s not a “thing” . We are not afraid of something, we are simply afraid. We are not holding on to fear, we are simply fear. Or anger. Or desire. Or nurture.
We are not the reaction to some legitimate concern. We are reaction without concern.
Hence wars, rapes, suicide, molestation et al.
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Wow this is really quite uncanny, absolute agony and these intermittent flashes of a world where only perfection exists, even the pain is part of that blithesome world.
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So looking at this is taking me in an interesting direction. I can see that I have not committed to feeling good each moment again for the rest of my life primarily out of this fear of appearing foolish.
I have continued to uphold the values of reality in some form or another because of this fear. For in order to commit to feeling good each moment again I must commit to rejecting the status quo fully, and of course no longer living the ‘tried and true’ is considered foolish.
So feeling good each moment again, sincerity, naïveté and the fear of appearing foolish all seem connected in an interesting way, this fear of appearing foolish is blocking the others, and boy it looks like if this obstruction is cleared a highway towards purity opens.
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The monster is oblivion. Per what @Andrew said. Per what I said, it is the alien spaceship. If I may reinterpret Andrew’s model for my own edification, we are the little child afraid of an unknown monster whom we feel is under our beds and which we only become aware of when the lights go and Mommy or Daddy or leave the room. The funny thing is that the monster is actual. The tragic thing is there is nothing to fear yet our fear keeps ‘us’ safe from it. I think remembering a PCE, like you recently mentioned when you wrote how Actualism can have a magic words or incantations aspect to it, brings the monster out from under the bed and allows the little boy to check it out in broad daylight as often as he wants throughout the day.
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Something I have been considering lately,; that there really isn’t a legitimate basis for most if not all of my reactions. I mean, I am so SO ‘me’ , that fundamentally every single reaction is taken to be legitimate.
This relationship is bringing this out very clearly. There is confusion, and this distinct growth towards being a more aware of my own decisions to be unhappy.
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This seems like a rather irrelevant development but I’ve noticed lately my eating habits have shifted a lot.
I’ve been catching myself at the end of the day and realising that I haven’t really eaten all day. I tend to have a nice big meal at the end of each day and that’s mostly it. But the crazy thing is that I do alot of exercise and in general tend to stay quite busy, I’ve got plenty of energy for all that I need and I simply don’t get hungry all day.
A big part of this is that I no longer seem to do much emotional eating, I just don’t experience that kind of hunger which is a little like libido, this building drive which needs to be satisfied.
I do wonder how much of this is to do with where I find myself psychologically/psychically, which is a very stable place these days. I wonder if a second component is the amount of calories that normally are spent on stress which nowadays is quite low for me. It’s like if I am feeling good the body seems in a very much coasting state, with not much needed really.
I can also see the kind of strain that I was previously putting on the body with the emotional eating, it feels good for it not to have to process all this extra stuff.
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So I’ve noticed this trend many times now, yesterday it clicked that it is a mechanism that swings into action when I get closer to actuality.
I was driving to training and I found myself situated progressively deeper in a world of people, things and events only, at one point it was very cool like this is all there is and this is where this body exists where ‘I’ finally disappear. I arrived there by contemplating a simple question - where does all of ‘my’ life actually happen? I was looking for a genuine location.
This quickly led to the seeing that only the world of people, things and events genuinely exists, it exists in space and time and is experienced sensately, it is so concrete! Whereas ‘my’ life is purely a phantom, it does not exist in space and time, it is made of a substance that cannot be experienced by the senses. It is a ‘substance’ arising merely out of a cloud of confusion.
Then some kind of a worry pops up, one that feels compelling enough to pull me back towards ‘my’ dramas. From there even once the worry is resolved I seem to be obsessed with entertaining doomsday scenarios, I seem to be confident that I will soon die, as in physically die, which gives me reason to cement myself deeper in reality, to protect myself from this danger.
Then this will happen for a little bit and eventually the doomsday scenarios somewhat back off, then I find myself no longer actively moving towards my destiny. I know this place now because it has a certain flavour of despair which is not there at all when pure intent is being allowed (when I am moving closer to my destiny).
And so I can see this cycle now of allowing pure intent → pulling back → settling for second best (buying time) → working up the intent to begin moving towards my destiny again.
The crazy thing is that at times this cycle would last months, I remember a year or two ago after a mad PCE I was in this ‘doomsday’ stage for like 4 months. Then recently I was in that ‘settling for second best’ stage for a good few months also.
So I was quite happy this morning when I caught myself, I noticed that something was missing and I was ‘buying time’.
Now I need to find out what to do about this exactly, it looks like perhaps the cycle gets smaller and smaller until I decide to commit fully.
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Regarding death, this quote by Richard about his rapid way might be applicable to you:
G’day Rick, Sure … first of all, the above conditions are utterly vital – entirely confident/ absolute certainty (PCE) freed of doubt/ absence of choice – else any invocatory destiny will be, at best, fruitless. (At worst … well, fill in your own nightmare/ your own screaming heebie-jeebies scenario).
It seems like some of your heebie-jeebie scenarios might be coming to life. I wonder if you might have some beliefs about death that are worth examining, but just a guess.
I can relate to your situation regarding immolation and also run into this re:PCEs. I’ve found some success in reflecting on the facts around the topic of immolation (dying before physical death). The facts according to reports are: it’s not traumatic, it’s very easy, it’s pleasant, it’s the best thing they’ve ever done for themselves, it’s safe, and likely more. Considering these facts makes the fear start to seem silly. Then, when I ask myself “What am I really afraid of,” I draw a blank, but it seems like something is on the tip of my tongue.
Here is a bit more of Richard’s Rapid Way:
With the absolute certainty/ total absence of choice of the PCE the invocation of destiny (oblivion/ extinction) is the deadly simple and fascinated contemplation of the fact that, as physical death is the end of ‘being’ anyway, it might as well happen sooner rather than later. (The oblivion/ extinction of ‘being’ at physical death is entirely without benefit in regards peace-on-earth whereas the oblivion/ extinction of ‘being’ at this moment in time is entirely beneficial to the host body and of a facilitatory benefit to all other bodies).
The fascinated contemplation – ‘fascinated’ as in a moth to a flame – morphs into a pure contemplation (as in an apperceptivity) upon it becoming startlingly apparent as an experiential actuality that this moment in time has no duration.
What this means, to an identity for whom time moves (as in past/ present/ future), is that the keep-it-safe extinction of ‘being’ (cunningly projected into some future moment) will be happening now when it does take place. (Time has no duration in actuality; now, being eternal, is already always dynamic in that everything happens now; nothing ever happens in past/ present/ future time).
As now is the way, then now is the means; as now is the means, then now is the end … !Bingo! … it is no longer possible to distinguish between life being lived and life doing the living as any such cause and effect has vanished without a trace (it never was anyway as time, as in past/ present/ future, has no existence in actuality).
This is ‘my’ moment of glory; this is ‘my’ crowning achievement; this makes ‘my’ petty life all worthwhile; this is ‘my’ most noble sacrifice for ‘I’ am what ‘I’ hold most dear; this is ‘my’ legacy for all humankind; ‘my’ reward is to go blessedly into the oblivion ‘I’ have secretly craved all along.
‘My’ extinction made all this possible.
Shout-out to @rick
One last Richard quote that seems apt:
It is the very imminence, of immaculate perfection being the irrevocable actuality, which occasions the pulling-back, turning- away, closing-off, shutting-down, and so on, as only extinction lies ahead. (The way in which a PCE comes about is quite different to how an actual freedom happens: the former occurring via abeyance, of identity in toto/ the entire affective faculty, and the latter via extinction of same).
Indeed, on many an occasion all those years ago (1981) the identity then inhabiting this flesh and blood body pulled-back in alarum, upon the intensity of pleasure reaching such an ever-spiralling momentum as to be mounting exponentially, only to later on chide himself (when back to normal) for not having the intestinal fortitude to have proceeded whilst the vital opportunity was presenting itself.
Put succinctly: this which has been my everyday experiencing for all of seventeen years now – so easily experienceable in a blithe and carefree manner – was discerned back then as being of such a magnitude of intensity that nobody could possibly live that, as an on-going and irrevocable permanency, for more than five-ten minutes at the most … whereupon physical death must surely happen.
(Please remember that abeyance is not extinction; then it might become more clear and less incomprehensible).
I bolded the part that resembles what you’re bumping into.
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Nice, those quotes hit hard! It’s just the perfect example of what Richard is trying to accomplish with his writings, to catapult the reader into actuality.
In terms of what I am afraid of, it is specifically this - to physically die prior to becoming actually free. Now I know this fear is a logistical mess 
for I as self must die for this body to be free, yet this is what the fear is all about, that I run out of time and die along with the body so that the ‘secret of life’ is never penetrated.
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Yea - it’s a silly fear too, because it’s keeping the fate it fears in existence.
Yeah exactly, the interesting thing is this fear is only present when I am not allowing pure intent, because then I know I am not moving closer to my destiny, rather I am sitting back and playing out doomsday scenarios, just wasting time.
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Something interesting that I experienced just now that experientially is still quite hazy. I came outside for my morning cigarette and again the cloud of affect kinda peeled back and there was this flavour of actuality. What really stood out was that actuality does have a flavour, just like each emotion has an intrinsic flavour so does actuality.
I’m trying to pinpoint exactly what this flavour is, it’s weird because there is the sensate experience and there is something ‘deeper’ that is intrinsic to it/supports it from underneath? It reminds me of what me and Claudiu wrote a while back about this deeper dimension to a PCE where the nature of infinitude becomes apparent.
This flavour seems to be made up of the utter perfection and benignity of infinitude. But what is interesting is that there is very much a positive/active component to it. As in when Richard describes pure intent as an actually occurring stream of benignity and benevolence.
So materialists would have the universe as fundamentally neutral, like there is just a bunch of stuff. But the flavour is not like that at all, although there is no god to be doing anything active, it’s like the very fabric of actuality is actively perfect and benevolent. So there is no neutrality to actuality, it is actively ‘slanted’ in a certain way, and this is contained within that flavour that is all around, how wonderful!
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