Kub933's Journal

Journals
51

I experienced something similar to this the other day when I felt that I could be free at any moment, I started having this weird breathing pattern that was like this overwhelm. At first I was thinking “what is happening to me?” And then I had the thought that it was just my ‘self’ pulling some tricks to distract me from becoming free. When I had that thought I relaxed and it stopped, I was comfortable. But I wasn’t as close to the immanence, either.

I’m taking the same approach as you mentioned, just see if I can get a little closer the next time.

Also as far as pushing goes a distinction I’ve noticed lately is that the purity is coming in from outside as a default whenever I remove myself, so pushing might be not quite the approach, you can’t push purity

You can push yourself to engage the method maybe, or to remember to contemplate, but the purity flows in naturally whenever there is a removal. That’s where the language of ‘allowing it to happen’ comes from

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52

Yes that aligns with my experience, the Purity is available because of ‘me’ stepping back and it is a pulling from the front as opposed to ‘me’ pushing from the back.

I have been looking at the pushing and it appears it is the intent to continue identifying, challenging and removing the obstacles to getting closer to that purity.

It seems both are needed to continue inching closer, ‘I’ need to get all of my instinctual energy on board towards the goal but it is the Purity that ultimately does the deed.

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53

This actually makes a lot of sense and it seems like this is exactly what happens even though I have no way of knowing for sure.

But the initial time of applying the method is to get one to be ‘sold’ on the fact that being happy and harmless is the way to go.

The bit leading up to self immolation (once it is already decided that this is what one wants) is like ‘me’ gathering ‘all of myself’ for that final push. It is like ‘I’ am slowly collecting and directing every part of ‘myself’ towards the goal, gathering enough energy for it to happen. Because somehow ‘I’ need to get ‘myself’ to a place where ‘I’ allow ‘my’ own demise to happen. The powerful energy of the survival instinct which is normally directed to sustaining ‘me’ no matter what, has to somehow flip on its head and altruistically allow itself to be extirpated.

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54

I’m having quite a lot of fun with writing lately, it requires me to ‘sort’ the experiences in my mind enough so that I am able to articulate them.

There was an interesting flip that happened this morning. As usual I woke up experiencing ‘myself’ very washed out. Some feelings of sorrow did come up however, and I have never seen it this simplistically but I saw immediately the complete senselessness of feeling bad. I don’t mean this in some conceptual/moralistic way but rather in a matter of fact way of - I could not think, if you put a gun to my head of 1 reason why it makes sense to EVER feel bad. Because everything is already happening, and why would I inflict sorrow/malice on myself?
The second part of it which was key was seeing that ‘I’ am sorrow and malice itself. Contrasting the senselessness of sorrow/malice and ‘me’ being the sorrow/malice itself created a very curious situation where ‘I’ am seen for the menace that ‘I’ am.

When I was driving to work this had somehow flipped itself from being an individual/specific seeing to a universal/general seeing.
It was as if I was looking at the problem of the human condition outside in, from that perspective it was clear that ‘me’ and ‘them’ are one and the same thing, and that ‘I’ plague every human being living on this planet. Usually ‘I’ am seen as precious, in this seeing ‘I’ was seen as a worldwide problem.

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55

Lots of interesting stuff going on over the weekend… I am not sure if it is the partying I was doing on Friday or the Purity taking over :joy: But I have been having these weird experiences where for short intervals of time (25-30min) I am experiencing a very heightened/intense level of fear, however the experience seems mainly the physical aspects of fear, with the affective aspect being very minimised (almost not possible to discern). During those times everything around has that sparkling vibrancy and other than experiencing some weird panic-attack type scenario, ‘I’ am very much minimised.

Although at times it would get somewhat overwhelming as I would start to become concerned that something might be wrong with me physically, it seems though that each time these little panic attacks subside after 25-30min and I’m back to feeling good physically. The other weird thing is that other than the physical aspect of being somewhat concerned for my health, those panic attacks do not really detract from me feeling affectively good.

So it is like I am having a mini panic attack and meanwhile there is that background awareness that everything is well, that is probably the best way I can describe it so far.

Another thing which has been clarifying itself is something that Srinath has mentioned before. And it is regarding emotions being a distortion of the actual. I have been observing this in action today. My brother bought this video online that I already have and so I told him that I already have it and he might as well get a refund. Shortly after that I began feeling bad about the whole situation, that he has potentially wasted money, that he now has to go into this effort to get his money back etc. Usually my response would be to adopt a somewhat ‘actualist morality’ and interpret the situation along the lines of “it’s nothing to do with me, it’s his own life he’s living”. But actually this time I noticed something much better than that! I could see that feeling bad was the best ‘I’ could do in terms of caring, however underneath ‘me’ is an actual caring, wanting the best for him.

That actual caring is obscured by ‘me’ and it is distorted into a feeling caring.

The cool thing that I got from this seeing was the reminder that Actualism is not about no longer caring, it is all about daring to care.

Instead of no longer caring ‘I’ can see how ‘I’ prevent actual caring. No matter how hard ‘I’ try, ‘my’ best attempt at caring will be distorted into something that sooner or later devolves into sorrow or malice.

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56

I’ve been having similar things but with feeling “awful” instead of feeling fear.

Essentially it’s feeling exhausted , over stressed , tired from work, tired from socializing , etc… normally I would have the thought “wow I feel like absolute shit”, I would withdraw and genuinely feel very bad, until eventually it wears off and I feel neutral.

But now it’s like I simply can’t fully take it seriously anymore … so there is still the feeling very bad, in a sense - the exhaustion and tiredness and I am sure the affective part is still there too - but because there is this underlying purity where nothing can go wrong, I just can’t take it seriously … it’s like I can’t “truly feel bad” even though there is the feeling of feeling bad. It doesn’t “get to me” even though I am aware it is ‘me’ (it is my emotion, not anyone else’s and not a weird physical-only phenomenon).

I also noticed in the past I would have a resistance to feeling so bad. Like I would be wallowing in it but also bewailing it and also holding back cause it was so bad. But now there is no wallowing and no resistance, just feeling it and seeing it’s ok. Actually I noticed a bit of resistance and I was like ok, I challenge myself to feel this as fully as possible. There was a hint that if I felt it more it would Be “too much”… but when I allowed it to happen as much as possible, there was no such thing. Pure intent prevented anything bad from happening and I saw it was ok.

So now that the fear edge of feeling too bad is diminished, and I saw feeling it fully is not bad, its somehow easier to see that it’s just silly to feel bad. It’s a choice, a way to experience being alive, and simply put, there are better choices available.

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57

Yes I can very much relate to what you wrote Claudiu! It’s cool to read someone else having similar weird experiences :smiley: Sometimes I struggle explaining these things so I just end up staying quiet but its cool to be able to share notes on these.

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58

So this whole thing of ‘emotions are a distortion of the actual’ has been super fruitful today. Noticing this in action in myself in 1 instance has made me notice this all the time.
The way I am observing it at the moment is that as a feeling being any action ‘I’ take is done affectively, it is ‘my’ language so to speak.

So for example :
Actual caring = compassion/empathy
Sensible planning = fear/anxiety
Considering an issue = grasping for right/wrong

The left side is what this brain does when it is freed of ‘me’ / the right side is ‘me’ trying to do those things but in the only way that ‘I’ can which is affectively and as such everything ‘I’ do is flawed to begin with.

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59

Just having a read of Srinath’s report of becoming free and 1 thing that stands out for me straight away is the below :

In the end for me the way out was illuminated by the PCE – and having it show me that an actual freedom was a universal possibility for everybody.

This is a conviction I do not have yet and it is something that has been coming up for me lately when thinking about just what could push me to agree to self immolate.

The problem I have with that statement is that I see how difficult it can be to apply the method at times. Even for those of us who have decided to devote ourselves to the goal completely it took a long time and plenty of perseverance to get anywhere with it.

I don’t know if I was doing it all wrong but there were times during the past 2 years when it was extremely difficult, whenever I look back I see just how much I had to question and overcome. And it is not that I am somehow more capable than others but what I always had was plenty of intent to get it done no matter what.

When I interact with people in general I just cannot see who will have the sort of intent necessary to do all that needs to be done. I guess it may be 1 in a million for now and this is all that is required to keep it moving. I always took some solace in Richard’s theory that @henryyyyyyyyyy shared, that once enough become free then individuals will become actually free at random, because at least then what I do can have an effect for the others that do not have the intent or perseverance to get it done.

Otherwise from the impressions I get when I talk to and observe people, I just cannot see how the population at large could ever do this!

Obviously a sticking point for me here so I’d definitely appreciate any other viewpoints on this one.

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60

There is something that is somehow clarifying itself experientially here. I have been thinking about the phrase ‘enabling the spread of peace on earth’ and it’s making me see it from a different viewpoint, informed by pure intent.
Each person becoming free is allowing that purity to operate, the purity has fulfilled itself in another person, that is in itself proof that something is happening.
There is a movement away from sorrow and malice and a movement towards peace on earth, it is like a wave that is slowly but inevitably moving over humanity.
That purity will find a way to manifest itself over and over, this is my conjecture but in that sense it cannot be stopped.

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61

To add to the above, I have been reading Richard’s journal today and 1 bit stood out to me

What ‘I’ do is unreservedly allow ‘my’ eventual demise to occur. It is not for the faint of heart or the weak of knee … but pure intent, born out of the connection between one’s inherent naiveté and the perfection of the infinitude of this physical universe, will provide one with the necessary intestinal fortitude.

Which explains why I always had an attitude of ‘I must and will find a way’ whereas it seems for many people there is a certain contentment in forever remaining normal.

The difference is that for me all this began with a spectacular PCE, I simply had to find a way to live in that place that I experienced, it would be a complete waste of a life not to find my way back to it. This obsession is what gave me the necessary intent and still continues to do so!

So perhaps my pessimistic outlook is not warranted, because any individual can experience that Purity and by tapping into it they are provided with all the intestinal fortitude required.

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62

In my experience most people don’t get very far because they never really try in the first place

Then there are people that give a perfunctory try and then give up when it gets hard

It’s hard for a lot of people because it’s so far outside the social norm. Some people do super hard things all the time. Climbing huge mountains. Olympic athletes. Concert pianists. It’s not like there are no people in the world who want to do difficult things

What’s most encouraging to me is, it is what is happening all the time. One of the free people says that people have to work overtime to avoid it. So it’s always there when people look, and people are having PCEs all the time.

And a lot of those PCE people are going into this or that religion, just because they don’t know any better.

Also Richard initially thought there would be global peace on earth in his lifetime. He has since dialed that back because he was surprised by how stubborn humanity was. It was a bigger project than he initially thought. I’ve sometimes called it a 500-year project rather than a 5 year project. But even if it does take 500 years, what could be a better priority? That wave is still building, it’s still what matters.

After every significant PCE or EE I’m always reminded that this is bigger than ‘I’ can understand.

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63

Yes and I think another aspect to this is that people are not sufficiently advised about the difficulties inherent in doing this. This is something that I always found lacking in the information regarding actual freedom, that it can be pretty hard and daunting at times and one can pass through many periods of intense and overwhelming emotions. I would have really benefitted from someone explaining to me that this is normal and to be expected, which is why I am normally quick to write that this thing can be damn hard at times!
Of course there are also many other times that are absolutely wonderful and the happiness and harmlessness that one can have via Actualism is unlike anything else you will find in the real world, so it is more than worth venturing through the dark periods.

For example I have been faced with some pretty intense emotions the last few days, quite overwhelming at times but I kept patiently applying awareness-cum-attentiveness to the whole thing and now I have reached this new plateau where everything is so easy and wonderful so it was definitely worth it. The reason I was able to patiently navigate through those intense emotions though was because I have been through this kinda thing before so I know what to expect.

Yes this is usually when it becomes clear that Actualism is not a positive glossing which allows one to remain the same but that there is something radical that will be taking place, right from the very beginning ‘I’ am getting exposed.

Yeah that is a very good point, theres plenty of people doing all sorts of difficult things and to be honest even being normal and existing in the real world is difficult. So it is not so much that people cannot accomplish difficult tasks but that they are not ready/willing to abandon the tried and true. It seems once more it is the PCE which allows one to see that abandoning the real world is necessary if one is to ever be truly happy and harmless.

Another good point, yes it is happening all the time. I remember going out clubbing with a friend who did some recreational drugs and then had what sounded like a PCE. He is a firm believer in all things spiritual though so that experience would have been twisted into something it is not. How much different it could be if the 3rd alternative was more widely available to people.

Yes I think contemplating all this will have 2 completely different answers depending on where one is looking from and I have noticed this in myself.

Intellectual contemplation from the vantage point of being trapped within the real world will come up with 1 sort of answer.

Contemplating all this whilst being firmly connected to Pure intent will demonstrate a whole different answer.

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64

Reading my post back I think I might be completely wrong about this :joy: As in now that I think of it there is plenty of mention on the AFT about the difficult periods. Richard writes about the dread and all the horrible things he went through, Peter writes in the Actualism map about traversing the no-mans land and there is more.

Maybe it is something about actualism being about enjoyment and appreciation which makes is seem like ‘I’ will just get to stay the same and feel amazing 24/7, but in my experience that is not how it plays out in practice. The amazing periods seem to be earned by sorting through all sorts of emotional mine-fields.

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65

So as alluded to in my previous posts I was sorting through some quite intense stuff the past couple of days, everything seems to have smoothed out since this morning and I find myself very much in a place that is wonderful and magical. ‘I’ come in and spoil it here and there but each time I catch this happening, I guide myself back to that magical place.

The past few days I have had a lot of realisations about just what ‘I’ am, that humanity has essentially created, taught and been living out an emotionally-backed myth. What ‘I’ am is the end product of all this madness, the end product of belief and conditioning. Contemplating all this is what I think has been leading to the very strong emotional reactions that I have been sorting through.

What I cannot quite understand yet is where does the feeling being fit into all this. As in I can see how ‘I’ as a social identity basically comprise of all the myths of humanity, ‘I’ am the end product of all the conditioning.

But that is not the whole of the identity, because there is this surge of affective energy which makes ‘me’ as a social identity ‘real’. It is what gives colour to all those fantasies. This current is the feeling being which has latched itself onto those concepts, thus creating the identity called Kuba.

The thing which is really interesting and I can see how it is possible to arrive at virtual freedom, is that with time and persistence it is possible to sort through and eliminate most of these fantasies, to such an extent that the social identity is more or less no longer extant.

But the feeling being remains, that current of affective energy which fuels the whole structure is there, and it cannot be ‘seen through’ in the same way as a belief can be (at least it does not appear to me this way). So as much as the social identity can be whittled down substantially, ‘I’ as a feeling being have to be eradicated through an entirely different process, this is the weird cross-roads I am at now.

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66

That’s where @Srinath’s advice from awhile back comes in, just watching the affective self, allowing purity as much as possible, and comparing the two experiences… it becomes easier and easier to allow purity to take hold… the affective is still the ‘same,’ but purity is beginning to be present everywhere.

For me there are still some ego-things to snipe here and there but this is mostly what I’m doing now. And it just keeps getting better, all the affective has less and less substance and purity is more and more obvious

When in doubt… enjoy & appreciate :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

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67

There is something that has been clarifying itself the past couple of days, it is alluded to both in the below post by Geoffrey and also by Richard in his Journal where he mentions that relying on Trust and Faith reflects a lack of confidence about living in general.

How I have been experiencing it the past few days is that any time I catch myself flying off into various imaginary scenarios, or ‘going over’ the same scenario time and time again, I am looking to generate a sense of security by attaching myself to a concept, moral, belief etc.

This need to hide behind an authority (which comes from the morals, values etc) is because I lack confidence in living in general.

I saw this very clearly this morning, that ‘I’ am an uneasy combination of the the instinctual fear which has latched itself onto the morals and values of society in order to gain security. Those morals and values are nonsensical by the very nature of being a belief and often in contrast to each other, therefore ‘I’ am always left confused, anxious, unsure of myself, insecure etc, that is the hallmark of being a social identity.

There is however this other me that comes to the fore every now and then, when that whole play is seen for what it is and there is this natural/organic confidence in being what I already am, without pretence or striving to be a someone.

It is the sort of confidence that ‘I’ as a social identity can never have, it is something ‘I’ try to imitate by being confident (in the real world version of the word) but it never quite works, because self doubt is always just around the corner.

That other confidence is secure because it is rooted in fact. There is a surety that I will respond in the correct way to whatever happens, and this brings such a relief, to be freed from worry. In that place, free of worry, I am free to enjoy and appreciate being here to the full extent.

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68

The other thing I wanted to write about was happening mostly on Saturday.

I found myself as usual experiencing this low key level of worry/anxiety about my hen party bookings that day. Anticipating what they groups would be like, whether I would get there on time, if they would respond to me well etc.

I saw that ‘I’ will never get to a place where the worry goes completely and again I turned my attention to that something outside of ‘me’. It got me contemplating the difference between the word safety and security.

‘I’ as an identity am always desperately searching for security, yet the word security implies that there is a danger that one is being continually protected from. As in a security system is there because of the potential for a break-in.

This really exemplified what ‘my’ security is all about, it is something manufactured to shield ‘me’ from ‘the danger’ and yet the 2 forever reinforce each other. As such ‘my’ security is always so fickle and insecure.

Then I began contemplating the word safety, it was the experience of something outside of ‘me’ which informed me about this safety.
In the actual world there is an utter safety because there was never a ‘danger’ to begin with, this safety is so vastly different to ‘my’ security that really you cannot even compare the 2. And so I found myself again sort of oscillating between this total and complete safety and ‘my’ fear-fuelled need for ‘security’.

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69

The last thing which comes to mind from the weekend is really long states of ‘me’ being almost not discernible. Which actually sort of confused/alarmed me because these did not seem to be PCE’s and feelings were still coming up every now and then but disappearing very quickly as soon as they were noticed.
The feelings seemed to be experienced as primarily physical symptoms with no ‘me’ of any significant substance to become involved.
Which immediately started ringing the dissociation alarm :joy: but then again I have been down that path and this did not seem like it at all.

In general I was feeling very good and simply enjoying driving around in the wonderful weather that we had.

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70

Alan wrote something similar at one point and I found it strange at the time - as I do now too! a few questions:

1- isn’t feeling very good in and of itself an affective feeling?
2- how do you experience “simply enjoying” in this state if not affectively?
3- what’s the experience of pure intent like in this state?
4- how does the state compare to a PCE? What’s the same / different?

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