It’s really difficult to nip in the bud, still in the heat of the moment, a reaction based on physical pain (even more so when one has the scapegoat at hand, like your brother).
You must be practicing actualism very well on a daily basis. Congrats
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Yeah I was hesitant to say nipped in the bud as there was still the sorrow underneath the anger, however the anger itself and the need to find a scapegoat was dealt with as soon as I noticed the ‘flip’ which occurred. The ‘flip’ being a movement away from seeing the facts of the situation (inevitable occurrence during hard sparring) and towards a belief in someone being at fault by doing something ‘wrong’. I think it was hearing the words that began coming out of my mouth that was like a slap to the face or an alarm ringing. Actually sorry to be specific the words did not come out of my mouth, it was as I went to speak.
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In order to “hearing the words that began coming out of my mouth” it is necessary to be in a state of relative separation from the self, which does not manifest within a few days of maintaining an adequate state of consciousness/awareness. Habituation is key
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Haha yes for sure, about 2 years of habituation so far! There are other instances where I will not catch it but this one worked 
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Actually this is a whole other post in itself but training MMA has been a really interesting way for the actualism method to be applied.
For example so many times during training I catch myself becoming overtaken by aggression, it is so easy in the heat of what is happening to just go with it, and many times I have.
But also I cannot help but notice each time it happens which means I am prepared to look out for it the next time and nip it in the bud.
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The other thing I have noticed lately is that often when I begin to contemplate self immolation I become somewhat emotionally overwhelmed.
It is a weird one, it usually starts in an experience of increasing purity, drawing me closer to my destiny, typically at this point I will begin somewhat pushing myself to do it, sometimes I end up moving closer to that purity but at times it has the effect of leaving me overwhelmed.
The thing I have noticed which is usefull is instead of continuing to push through this resistance (which is ‘me’) is to pretty much apply the ‘overwhelmed’ diagram pathway.
Basically notice that I am not going anywhere by getting progressively more overwhelmed, then I will simply allow myself to get back to feeling good and before I know it that purity is available again.
Then the next time around I can allow it more before I instinctively pull back.
Now the thing I am not sure about is wether that emotional response is because of my pushing or wether it is an inevitable result of moving closer to allowing self immolation to happen.
The other question is exactly what is this pushing? because ‘I’ cannot self-immolate ‘myself’ so what exactly am ‘I’ pushing ‘myself’ towards?
It seems I am pushing ‘myself’ towards the point of no return, perhaps this is why it inevitably brings up a strong emotional response.
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This was also something that I was going to ask you about, not from a moralistic point of view but from a pragmatic one, because it should not be easy (considering our instinctive programming) “not to express or repress” anger, frustration, violence, etc., when the objective is to physically subdue another person and not to be subdued…
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Right yes its weird, because looking from the outside I appear to be aggressive when I jump on someones back and try to choke them 
But this actually highlights a very important distinction, that actualism is about feeling happy and harmless, and not about doing actions which are (through morality) considered happy and harmless such as being a pacifist for example.
I struggled with this a lot at the beginning but this is now clear as day because it is clear that the danger is ‘me’. It is only the instinct of aggression which makes me a potential danger when sparring with someone because it has the potential to override practical considerations.
Of course injuries etc will always happen but it is only through malice that I am driven to blindly hurt and destroy someone.
Nowadays the majority of the time my training is just good fun, its very engaging and not serious at all. It is not unlike playing chess with someone, except I am doing it with my body. I am simply trying to use tactics, strategy and technique to ‘catch you out’.
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Oh and the trick for this one is to simply notice that I have stopped having fun, in that regard its actually really simple
It is impossible to at the same time be having great fun if I am experiencing frustration, anger etc.
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As a side note I noticed when I feel no malice or sorrow at all towards what someone says or does, that might be considered ‘wrong’ —— they are far more likely to simply and plainly apologize , like “oh sorry”, but without them feeling bad about it! They recognize the situation and they see I have no hard feelings and so it’s easy to admit to the facts of what happened , without them feeling hard feelings also.
So malice and sorrow is simply not required , even with non-actualists 
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I experienced something similar to this the other day when I felt that I could be free at any moment, I started having this weird breathing pattern that was like this overwhelm. At first I was thinking “what is happening to me?” And then I had the thought that it was just my ‘self’ pulling some tricks to distract me from becoming free. When I had that thought I relaxed and it stopped, I was comfortable. But I wasn’t as close to the immanence, either.
I’m taking the same approach as you mentioned, just see if I can get a little closer the next time.
Also as far as pushing goes a distinction I’ve noticed lately is that the purity is coming in from outside as a default whenever I remove myself, so pushing might be not quite the approach, you can’t push purity
You can push yourself to engage the method maybe, or to remember to contemplate, but the purity flows in naturally whenever there is a removal. That’s where the language of ‘allowing it to happen’ comes from
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Yes that aligns with my experience, the Purity is available because of ‘me’ stepping back and it is a pulling from the front as opposed to ‘me’ pushing from the back.
I have been looking at the pushing and it appears it is the intent to continue identifying, challenging and removing the obstacles to getting closer to that purity.
It seems both are needed to continue inching closer, ‘I’ need to get all of my instinctual energy on board towards the goal but it is the Purity that ultimately does the deed.
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This actually makes a lot of sense and it seems like this is exactly what happens even though I have no way of knowing for sure.
But the initial time of applying the method is to get one to be ‘sold’ on the fact that being happy and harmless is the way to go.
The bit leading up to self immolation (once it is already decided that this is what one wants) is like ‘me’ gathering ‘all of myself’ for that final push. It is like ‘I’ am slowly collecting and directing every part of ‘myself’ towards the goal, gathering enough energy for it to happen. Because somehow ‘I’ need to get ‘myself’ to a place where ‘I’ allow ‘my’ own demise to happen. The powerful energy of the survival instinct which is normally directed to sustaining ‘me’ no matter what, has to somehow flip on its head and altruistically allow itself to be extirpated.
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I’m having quite a lot of fun with writing lately, it requires me to ‘sort’ the experiences in my mind enough so that I am able to articulate them.
There was an interesting flip that happened this morning. As usual I woke up experiencing ‘myself’ very washed out. Some feelings of sorrow did come up however, and I have never seen it this simplistically but I saw immediately the complete senselessness of feeling bad. I don’t mean this in some conceptual/moralistic way but rather in a matter of fact way of - I could not think, if you put a gun to my head of 1 reason why it makes sense to EVER feel bad. Because everything is already happening, and why would I inflict sorrow/malice on myself?
The second part of it which was key was seeing that ‘I’ am sorrow and malice itself. Contrasting the senselessness of sorrow/malice and ‘me’ being the sorrow/malice itself created a very curious situation where ‘I’ am seen for the menace that ‘I’ am.
When I was driving to work this had somehow flipped itself from being an individual/specific seeing to a universal/general seeing.
It was as if I was looking at the problem of the human condition outside in, from that perspective it was clear that ‘me’ and ‘them’ are one and the same thing, and that ‘I’ plague every human being living on this planet. Usually ‘I’ am seen as precious, in this seeing ‘I’ was seen as a worldwide problem.
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Lots of interesting stuff going on over the weekend… I am not sure if it is the partying I was doing on Friday or the Purity taking over But I have been having these weird experiences where for short intervals of time (25-30min) I am experiencing a very heightened/intense level of fear, however the experience seems mainly the physical aspects of fear, with the affective aspect being very minimised (almost not possible to discern). During those times everything around has that sparkling vibrancy and other than experiencing some weird panic-attack type scenario, ‘I’ am very much minimised.
Although at times it would get somewhat overwhelming as I would start to become concerned that something might be wrong with me physically, it seems though that each time these little panic attacks subside after 25-30min and I’m back to feeling good physically. The other weird thing is that other than the physical aspect of being somewhat concerned for my health, those panic attacks do not really detract from me feeling affectively good.
So it is like I am having a mini panic attack and meanwhile there is that background awareness that everything is well, that is probably the best way I can describe it so far.
Another thing which has been clarifying itself is something that Srinath has mentioned before. And it is regarding emotions being a distortion of the actual. I have been observing this in action today. My brother bought this video online that I already have and so I told him that I already have it and he might as well get a refund. Shortly after that I began feeling bad about the whole situation, that he has potentially wasted money, that he now has to go into this effort to get his money back etc. Usually my response would be to adopt a somewhat ‘actualist morality’ and interpret the situation along the lines of “it’s nothing to do with me, it’s his own life he’s living”. But actually this time I noticed something much better than that! I could see that feeling bad was the best ‘I’ could do in terms of caring, however underneath ‘me’ is an actual caring, wanting the best for him.
That actual caring is obscured by ‘me’ and it is distorted into a feeling caring.
The cool thing that I got from this seeing was the reminder that Actualism is not about no longer caring, it is all about daring to care.
Instead of no longer caring ‘I’ can see how ‘I’ prevent actual caring. No matter how hard ‘I’ try, ‘my’ best attempt at caring will be distorted into something that sooner or later devolves into sorrow or malice.
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I’ve been having similar things but with feeling “awful” instead of feeling fear.
Essentially it’s feeling exhausted , over stressed , tired from work, tired from socializing , etc… normally I would have the thought “wow I feel like absolute shit”, I would withdraw and genuinely feel very bad, until eventually it wears off and I feel neutral.
But now it’s like I simply can’t fully take it seriously anymore … so there is still the feeling very bad, in a sense - the exhaustion and tiredness and I am sure the affective part is still there too - but because there is this underlying purity where nothing can go wrong, I just can’t take it seriously … it’s like I can’t “truly feel bad” even though there is the feeling of feeling bad. It doesn’t “get to me” even though I am aware it is ‘me’ (it is my emotion, not anyone else’s and not a weird physical-only phenomenon).
I also noticed in the past I would have a resistance to feeling so bad. Like I would be wallowing in it but also bewailing it and also holding back cause it was so bad. But now there is no wallowing and no resistance, just feeling it and seeing it’s ok. Actually I noticed a bit of resistance and I was like ok, I challenge myself to feel this as fully as possible. There was a hint that if I felt it more it would Be “too much”… but when I allowed it to happen as much as possible, there was no such thing. Pure intent prevented anything bad from happening and I saw it was ok.
So now that the fear edge of feeling too bad is diminished, and I saw feeling it fully is not bad, its somehow easier to see that it’s just silly to feel bad. It’s a choice, a way to experience being alive, and simply put, there are better choices available.
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Yes I can very much relate to what you wrote Claudiu! It’s cool to read someone else having similar weird experiences Sometimes I struggle explaining these things so I just end up staying quiet but its cool to be able to share notes on these.
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So this whole thing of ‘emotions are a distortion of the actual’ has been super fruitful today. Noticing this in action in myself in 1 instance has made me notice this all the time.
The way I am observing it at the moment is that as a feeling being any action ‘I’ take is done affectively, it is ‘my’ language so to speak.
So for example :
Actual caring = compassion/empathy
Sensible planning = fear/anxiety
Considering an issue = grasping for right/wrong
The left side is what this brain does when it is freed of ‘me’ / the right side is ‘me’ trying to do those things but in the only way that ‘I’ can which is affectively and as such everything ‘I’ do is flawed to begin with.
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Just having a read of Srinath’s report of becoming free and 1 thing that stands out for me straight away is the below :
In the end for me the way out was illuminated by the PCE – and having it show me that an actual freedom was a universal possibility for everybody.
This is a conviction I do not have yet and it is something that has been coming up for me lately when thinking about just what could push me to agree to self immolate.
The problem I have with that statement is that I see how difficult it can be to apply the method at times. Even for those of us who have decided to devote ourselves to the goal completely it took a long time and plenty of perseverance to get anywhere with it.
I don’t know if I was doing it all wrong but there were times during the past 2 years when it was extremely difficult, whenever I look back I see just how much I had to question and overcome. And it is not that I am somehow more capable than others but what I always had was plenty of intent to get it done no matter what.
When I interact with people in general I just cannot see who will have the sort of intent necessary to do all that needs to be done. I guess it may be 1 in a million for now and this is all that is required to keep it moving. I always took some solace in Richard’s theory that @henryyyyyyyyyy shared, that once enough become free then individuals will become actually free at random, because at least then what I do can have an effect for the others that do not have the intent or perseverance to get it done.
Otherwise from the impressions I get when I talk to and observe people, I just cannot see how the population at large could ever do this!
Obviously a sticking point for me here so I’d definitely appreciate any other viewpoints on this one.
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There is something that is somehow clarifying itself experientially here. I have been thinking about the phrase ‘enabling the spread of peace on earth’ and it’s making me see it from a different viewpoint, informed by pure intent.
Each person becoming free is allowing that purity to operate, the purity has fulfilled itself in another person, that is in itself proof that something is happening.
There is a movement away from sorrow and malice and a movement towards peace on earth, it is like a wave that is slowly but inevitably moving over humanity.
That purity will find a way to manifest itself over and over, this is my conjecture but in that sense it cannot be stopped.
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