So I had a really cool chat with @henryyyyyyyyyy and @emp on Saturday, there were 2 things which happened for me that were very useful. Actually it was a great reminder of why we discuss these things with others, so that we can help correct each others understanding.
The first bit was something that both @henryyyyyyyyyy and @emp pointed out, which was that I was psychologising my fear by running it as part of some ‘actualist progress map’. So I had this little story going that maybe I am experiencing the fear of death because it is the experience of pure intent which is pulling ‘me’ towards extinction. A neat little theory 
And maybe it is so maybe it is not, the fact is though I was using this theory to cement this fear as something unavoidable and so I was locking myself in fear as opposed to enjoying and appreciating.
Actually it’s nice talking to actualists because they are not afraid to call you out! This was very useful for me to notice in myself.
The other thing which was BIG, was when I was talking to Henry about my performance anxiety when doing my weekend jobs, again I had lots of neat theories on why it is so.
@emp then mentioned that perhaps this is to do with the simple fact that I am addicted to suffering. And this made the clouds part finally, because no matter how much I investigated and broke down this performance anxiety it was still there.
At first it looked more like something habitual, I noticed that it is almost like clockwork for me at this point, in a similar way that when I wake up I find myself walking downstairs and rolling my morning cigarette. When it comes to Saturday around 2pm, my anxiety alarm clock knows it’s time, it is time to be anxious.
But also I noticed that if I was to imagine being at these hen party jobs without the slightest whiff of anxiety it would feel off, somehow wrong, not what I want.
So going deeper I noticed that I am addicted to being this rollercoaster of emotion, it makes me feel alive, it feels right to experience certain events through this up/down cycle.
And this can be very easily demonstrated actually! Because when I have a weekend off and I am just at home chilling, I feel there is something missing, I want some kind of excitement, some emotional stimulation and yet the next weekend when I am busy with the hen party jobs I find myself resenting having to experience this anxiety and pressure.
I noticed the same tendency when coaching martial arts, I am addicted to a certain up/down cycle of emotions, yesterday just before coaching I began to feel the same thing and the initial pull was into what I always do which is essentially getting drawn into that whole world. A world where there are problems and solutions, schemes and plans, dangers and security… But most importantly the visceral experience of the good/bad feelings, the thing which feels real to me like nothing else. Somehow I am perversely addicted to being that.
But yesterday I took a different route, seeing that I was doing this again and remembering what @emp mentioned I instead decided to allow myself to feel good. It felt weird at first, like I was doing something wrong, on some level I did not want to feel good, it felt like I was letting go of something important to me by feeling good.
But it worked, the weird cycle of anxiety and release was largely minimised and there was feeling good.
But this has left me wondering just to what extent I am simply addicted to suffering, lots more to explore for now.