Things are certainly progressing nicely, it is like I have been “cleaning out the cupboards” of all the things which I previously ignored or pushed to the side. I have been finding quite a few ‘good’ feelings still in there. What I found the past couple of days is that ‘I’ have been addicted to seeking, but never arriving. I could summarise my MO by that adage of “it is not about the destination but the journey”. And really this MO wants to ensure that one never arrives, because in arriving the ‘motion’ stops, the seeking stops, there is no longer a carrot ahead etc. Essentially the ‘good’ feelings which come from this strategy are all about the ‘motion’ itself, the high that comes from the chase.
It was quite uncomfortable initially to allow an end to this ‘motion’, like every part of ‘me’ resisted, and yet something does happen when I allow this, there is perfection to be found here and now, and once it is found there is no longer a need to seek, then it is about the living of it.
In a way felicity and innocuity and the ‘good’ feelings are like 2 different systems. In felicity and innocuity there is no seeking, there is an enjoyment and appreciation of this moment of being alive, in that sense I have already arrived and I am delighting in what is available. Whereas the ‘good’ feelings are very much like a ‘seeking system’, the thing is that they never arrive anywhere, they are a never ending chase, that is their very mechanism.
I am reminded of the below from Richard’s journal :
Richard: It is funny, at times, for I often gain the impression when I speak to others, that I am spoiling their game-plan. It seems as if they wish to journey forever … they consider the stasis that ensues in arriving at perfection to be a static equipollence rather than a motile equanimity.
Reading this some years back I thought these are just fancy words haha. But now I see what Richard is conveying. The initial resistance is the fear that in arriving there is some kind of a static monotony left, whereas the perfection which is discovered is dynamic, alive.