It looks like this is all beginning to outline the aspect of ‘me’ which is the culprit. I have written about ‘my’ narcissism before, but this is not quite it, maybe something like a vanity, the fact that ‘I’ derive ‘my’ good feelings from sitting atop some elevated position, which of course means there is always the fear of falling from the prideful place, the shame of not living up to a standard etc. There has always been a yearning to be free from this, to simply be a fellow human being, without the need to prove anything or to fear loosing some ‘position’.
What I see now is that this desire for excellence is actually underpinned by self-centricity, it’s like what Srinath wrote, that ‘I’ don’t care about the issues themselves, rather it is ‘I’ who needs to be verified and affirmed.
I see what Richard meant now when he wrote that “pride and humility are standing in the way of ceasing all self-centred activity”.
And the way I see it now is that it is for nothing ultimately, that ‘I’ make everything about ‘me’ for no justifiable reason at all, only to affirm ‘myself’. As Richard said ‘I’ have arrogated responsibility with demonstrably disastrous consequences.
And of course this is what ‘I’ do, as ‘I’ am a scared, lost, lonely and cunning psychic entity, that is why ‘I’ self-centrically turn everything into a tool to re-affirm ‘myself’, to gain some ‘security’ about ‘my’ existence.