Writing a post this morning made me realise just how accurate @Elgin’s meme is 
- Meme Time - #123 by Elgin
Below is a dump of all that is going on for me at the moment :
I’ve been that cow stuck half way in dazzling actuality and half way in gloomy reality for a long time now. Figuring out where to go from here is odd because I know that nothing will change without sincerity, do I genuinely want to proceed further or am I to an extent acting out an ‘actualist script’.
On the other hand, do I continue chipping away at what’s left, looking to clean those last little bits towards a virtual freedom? I feel good for the majority of the time nowadays and often dipping into more, into dazzling actuality, then perhaps a couple hours a day reverting back to that ‘grey world’ to some degree, this is not problematic due to the intensity of the emotion but more because it blocks me away from purity.
I have had enough PCEs to know that actuality offers the one genuine solution. But clearly this has not infiltrated itself enough so that I am faced with the need for action now.
This is the sort of bouncing about I am doing day to day : Between cleaning up the last bits, contemplating how to go all the way, experiencing actuality and some short detours into the ‘grey world’.
I would describe this place very much to be floating about without a firm goal. I mean the long term goal is and has always been to go all the way into actual freedom, but there is the goal and there is my commitment to actually doing it now, essentially am ‘I’ fully on board right now? clearly not otherwise ‘I’ would not be typing these words.
I am well aware that there is only so long I am alive for and it is never guaranteed how much longer I will live, so there is very much this fire burning underneath me to go all the way within this life-time.
I actually read the questions and answers from Australia the other day and it was kinda cool to see Geoffrey and Srinath as feeling beings somewhat ‘circling around’, trying to figure out how to actually get it done. So I know this is to be expected.
It very much seems that at this point I cannot follow any sort of ‘script’, there cannot be any ‘fake it till you make it’, I can see that this ‘acting out a script’ is very much core to what ‘I’ am as an identity. Like a shadow of that which is genuine ‘I’ come up with all these ‘stories’ and ‘schemes’ which never have any substance and so they never lead to any action. Whenever genuine action takes place it has nothing to do with all of that.
That is the kind of seeing which is needed to go all the way. Those last bits of action have to be screaming with sincerity, there cannot be any kind of duplicity, which means I am completely on my own.
Then comes this whole business of altruism… which has probably been butchered enough already and yet it is a constant sticking point for me. Probably because in part I am trying to act out some ‘script towards actual freedom’.
So as I stand right now there is this moral admonition of - “you should want to self immolate for others and not for yourself” whatever that means…
Experiencing actuality I always have the same sense that it is all I have ever wanted and more, but I am almost blocking this desire out of this moral admonition mentioned above. Like “stop wanting actual freedom for yourself, that is not altruism!”
I can see that at some point wanting it for myself and wanting it for others merges into one and the same thing. So I can also see that turning this altruism into some moral admonition needs to go, along with the ‘script’. Then I can stop feeling like I am not good enough to actually do it, that ‘I’ could never be so altruistic to self-immolate. I can see that altruism is something that is intrinsic to ‘me’ as a ‘being’ and so it will be activated of its own accord when appropriate.