Hi Ed and Vineeto,
I remember in the past couple of years maybe 3/4 times when something like this happened. In that there would be this mounting forward momentum and it would seem that actual freedom could happen at any moment, and then there would be this “oh shit” moment where ‘I’ as the controller would halt the motion completely and resume full controls.
For ‘Vineeto’ it was the impression that Richard was a mad man but for ‘me’ it was always this fear that ‘I’ am out of control rather than out from control. So each time it was this sense that ‘I’ had to immediately resume the controls in order not to be dangerous to others.
Now I am not sure if these were sensible responses to seeing that sorrow and malice was indeed still live in ‘me’ and thus the controls could not be let go of safely or whether it was something more cunning on ‘my’ part with regards to making sure that ‘I’ do not proceed towards actual freedom.
But each time when this happened it would shake ‘me’ to ‘my’ core, the forward momentum would literally hit a wall and no further motion would be allowed as it seemed dangerous, dangerous in terms of being dangerous to others though. The thing is, for starters I do not break the various laws and social protocols in place but furthermore I live with a sincere intent to be harmless and happy. Basically I certainly do not live and act in a way that is dangerous to others, the danger that ‘I’ pose is by virtue of still ‘being’.
It seems what would happen is that as the forward momentum was building ‘I’ would progressively kick away the last bits of controls in place and then some event would happen where sorrow or malice would briefly pop up, but because the controls would not be in place I would be completely freaked out by it and just shut down right there and then.
I just thought I would mention this as Ed’s words reminded me of these events.
Also it seems that after these events is where ‘I’ as the controller would come back with double the force, to try to purify ‘myself’ completely before any further attempts could be contemplated, which of course cannot be done, as ‘I’ am the passions.