Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
I understand what you are saying, of putting all eggs in one basket and going for it. However what I have been particularly cognisant of the past 6 months or so is not falling into the same trap where I did in the past. Whatever that place was I do not want to land there again, and back then no amount of pushing did the trick, it only created more imaginary worlds and more unpalatable resistance. So the past 6 months or so I would describe what I have been doing as consistently inching forward, taking small but genuine steps towards evincing my destiny. My motion forward has been more meticulous and less fanatical.
Hi Kuba,
Thank you for your report of “small but genuine steps”. As such my suggestion of “putting all eggs in one basket” was premature. Only you can know what pace is the best way forward for you. For instance, I am reminded of Srinath saying –
Srinath: Initially I tried too much to force myself via the format that Vineeto, No. 15 (D) and Geoffrey used in their reports. Even though those early efforts failed, doing so made me realise what was lacking. I realised that I would have to do it my own way. Others’ maps were all well and good but I had to blaze my own trail and it would have to come authentically from my own experience. I decided I would gather everything together experientially while focussing on the end: taking my time, rather than forcing it. In hindsight I was inching closer, but it was really hard to know this back then. (Becoming Free Reports, Srinath).
Here is what Geoffrey reported regarding the weeks leading up to the event –
[Questioner 5]: … Can you tell me what things were like in the weeks or months before, before you decided to allow pure intent to be dynamically operative and self-immolation to occur? e.g. was there a gradual build-up? were you engaged with the question of self-immolation, having regular PCE’s or maybe not really doing much?
Geoffrey: That is another one where I have to say again that this is not advice, but only my report. Anyone’s way is going to be different.
Here is what I posted here on the 4th of September, when coming back from a few months ‘away’:“Well, I felt like I was hitting a wall again and again regarding going further towards self-immolation. I knew it had something to do with ‘trying’ to much, or ‘doing’ too much. That I was, in my ‘adventures’, stuck inside ‘me’, that it was all (but PCEs and Pure intent) inside ‘my’ realm, whatever I was doing.
So I decided I needed a holiday from ‘doing’, from ‘trying’. There must have been some actualist morality in my endeavours, and some cunning, that kept me inside ‘me’ while faking ‘progress’ towards the end of ‘me’.
So I closed Slack [actualism discussion forum] and went on with my life. Not ‘pushing’ towards anything. I found out I enjoyed and appreciated, without it being something I was ‘supposed’ to do. I had EEs here and there, quite a few realizations. And it was all much more easy and peaceful, ‘natural’ somehow, without the ‘pressure’ I was putting on myself to ‘perform’ actualism-wise.
No PCEs though… until a few days ago. This PCE got me back here. And back on track towards self-immolation.”What I would add now, in hindsight, is what I’d done in those months was getting rid of excessive ‘luggage’, and keeping nothing but the memory of the PCE and pure intent, but not as something I was supposed to do as an actualist, not as an ‘accessory’ to the goal of self-immolating, but as something that was ‘naturally’ in my mind, like the air I breathed.
Then that spontaneous PCE occurred, and I was ready. (Becoming Free Reports, Geoffrey, Answer to Q5)
For what it’s worth, feeling being ‘Vineeto’ had a long period of hesitation to get-out-from-under-control[1] being concerned ‘she’ would inadvertently become enlightened instead – because at the time there was no precedent of how the Direct Route would unfold.
[1] a long period of hesitation: that is until the 1st convivium meeting where Richard “impressed” upon ‘her’ the necessity of being out-from-control –
RICHARD: No, it was no coincidence that I impressed upon Vineeto the necessity of being out-from-control/ in a different-way-of being (which was most unusual of me to do so) but it was only with the benefit of hindsight, of course, that it was specifically because of Devika’s/ Irene’s death that all what thereafter ensued came about.
‘Tis amazing how quick its effect was … within the very hour. (Richard, List D, No. 25, 6 February 2012).
I agree with Geoffrey that “anyone’s way is going to be different” or is experienced to be different, when approaching ‘self’-immolation. In hindsight they are very similar – “it is over in seconds”.
One can compare it to the process from craft to art –
Richard: It all started over 20 years ago when the ‘I’ who was made a living as an artist … ‘my’ greatest work came when ‘I’ disappeared and the painting painted itself in what is sometimes known as an ‘aesthetic experience’. This is the difference between art and craft – and ‘I’ was very good as a craftsman – but craft became art only when ‘I’ was not present. All art is initially a representation and, as such, is a reflection funnelled by the artist so that he/she can express what they are experiencing in order to see for themselves – and show to others – what is going on ‘behind the scenes’ as it were. However, when one is fully engrossed in the act of creating art – wherein the painting paints itself – the art-form takes on a life of its own and ceases to be a representation during the event. It is its own actuality. One can only stand in amazement and wonder – which is not to negate the very essential patiently acquired skills and expertise – and this marvelling is what was experienced back when I was a normal person. (Richard, AF List, No. 10, 20 May 2000).
Kuba: In that sense so far things have actually been going great, in that there is no longer this unpalatable resistance and I am no longer entertaining illusions, well as far as it goes haha. And progressively the various obstacles to enjoyment and appreciation are also falling by the wayside. For example I notice that this feeling of “excuse me for taking up space” is now taking its leave, it no longer has anything to hold it in place.
So it has been very much a case of applying the in the meantime method and slowly inching forward, then from the new vantage point looking again at the possibility of self-immolation to see what I can make of it, and then inching some more if I am not yet ready. Which I see what you are saying, I could do this sort of motion for ever, and yet trying to skip ahead has been a disaster in the past. So I guess what I am trying to say is that my total concern lately has been in making sure that whatever motion forward happens is genuine motion and not a facade, this has been the priority. (link)
I appreciate your diligence – only you can know when you are ready – and when you are genuinely ready it will be too late to stop it.
Cheers Vineeto