I experience things similarly where there are these temporary yet quite wondrous lengths of time, often a day or two, where pure intent is constantly palpable at the forefront, and everything is simply outstanding. Life is intrinsically wonderful, and even the perspective experience from there is a very perspicacious one where even the feeling of being self-centered in and of itself just seems utterly pointless. Like, what? There is no point of being self-centered.
Then, so far inevitably, I pull away from this and go back to my old ways for a bit, and then I find myself there again. There’s this pattern. It reminds me kind of what Craig was saying about riding on a bicycle and sometimes he was pedaling, sometimes he was coasting. This seems to be a common experience.
For me, I’m gonna avoid referring to it in terms of out from control virtual freedom or not, because it hasn’t been useful for me to think of things that way. But I do have the shape of the pattern firmly in mind, and it is always that, just, something far underneath my conscious reasoning, and that is what derails it. I’m starting to get a sense of this pattern, which I think is the first steps to ending it.
The very most recent one what I am pretty sure triggered the fall-off is I had been experiencing this way of being for a day or two, and then I slipped into a PCE. And right after it, there was just the thought of “wow, this isn’t that different (from that which I had been experiencing for a day or two)”. Like the difference between one and the other was not big, and it was not even… not big, and it was not even a big deal. Meaning that there’s a very small step before that self-immolation there. And this, I believe, is what drew me away from it.
So it’s really this deep-seated fear which comes up and… you know, derails. But only for temporarily because it’s just too appealing to not go back there again and again.
I do also suspect that whatever we write here, what we think it might be, it probably isn’t that or at least if we think we have seen it, it isn’t. What I mean to say is I think if we really did figure it out exactly (the reason) then we would already be on the other side of it and the choice would have been made.
So read this post of mine more as some kind of a musing rather than “ah it is exactly this and I know exactly what I’m gonna do now” 
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