So I have been looking at what is standing in the way of allowing naïveté fully - a different way of being, with the doer abeyant and the beer ascendant. I get inklings of what that is like, to live it, I do experience glimpses of what it is about. I tend to dip my toes in, have a very wonderful time for the duration and then find something (anything) that apparently warrants for my control to come back into the picture. Then some time down the line when I have had enough of carrying that burden I then reconsider again…
What I do see very clearly now, is that it is me that maintains all this, as in the choice is there, at any time, to step out from control, and it is my choice. Equally I am the one choosing each moment again to continue carrying my burden by remaining in control.
So that is a rather good thing. I see it clearly, I can indeed drop the burden, but for now I choose to maintain it.
So naturally I am looking at why I want to maintain it, and it’s weird because I know - to a degree - that ‘my’ control is a furphy and yet ‘I’ still wish to maintain it. It is like a gravitational pull for ‘me’ to remain in charge and yet whenever ‘I’ go into gay abandon it is incomparably better, it is what ‘I’ want. So there is how ‘I’ am programmed to ‘be’ and there is what ‘I’ actually want, and they are diametrically opposed.
What I can narrow it down to for now, why I wish to remain in control, is that by taking charge ‘I’ can take credit, by taking credit ‘I’ can distinguish ‘myself’, and thus ‘I’ am maintained as ‘someone’ in particular, this is essentially how ‘I’ maintain ‘myself’.
And I have written about this before a long time ago, perhaps it was never properly resolved, but it seems it is pride. It is pride that is standing in the way of allowing naivete fully and thus stepping out from control. Without pride (and humility) ‘I’ could not take credit, and if ‘I’ cannot take credit then just how do ‘I’ delineate ‘myself’?
Although pride is not the core culprit, it is more that pride is how ‘I’ maintain ‘myself’, but at core it is ‘my’ survival which is at stake, pride (and humility) seems to be merely the tools for the job!
It is clear why stepping out from control is the beginning of the actualism process, it’s taking out those last pins which are actively maintaining ‘me’ as an identity, and it is ‘me’ who willingly sets it in motion! Currently I can see those last pins still in place haha 