Kuba: So seeing yesterday the outline of ‘me’ as a group member I was fascinated, what I could see is that ‘me’ as a group member is not a new invention at all, it is actually a very ancient part of ‘me’. It looked that it flows directly from the instinctual programming, as can be seen in some animals e.g. monkeys, but furthermore it was the predominant MO for the longest chunk of time that the human animal has been in existence, namely as hunter gatherer tribes. The story of ‘me’ as a group member is the story of ‘humanity’ itself.
I could see that all of ‘my’ boundaries and frames of reference have been all part of that game, of who ‘I’ am in relation to others, that ‘I’ have never known ‘myself’ as anything but a group member, which means that ‘my’ dreams, fantasies, insecurities, anxieties etc they are all part of that.
And it was specifically seeing the above that did something, it was like the horizon had opened up and I can see that there is in fact an alternative way of living now, outside of being a group member. This I am in particular happy about.
But looking now at my various obstacles, dramas, involvements etc I see them now in a different light, this seeing that they are all merely part of the drama of ‘me’ as a group member, it took the legs out from underneath them, they do not compel like they did before.
How I experience it since this morning is that the gateway to pure intent has been opened up, of course as it is something entirely new to human experience and ‘the old’ has to get out of the way in order to allow it. My experiencing is that of a pristine purity which is just at the fingertips, and something has changed in ‘me’ in that there is less in the way of it, there is like a tingling excitement at the experience of it and the fact that ‘I’ can now allow it, what a blast! (link)
Hi Kuba,
Well, it sounds like you have come to your senses, at least for now, but the ‘proof of the pudding’ will be when those “gloomy feelings” and those “varying feelings of despair, panic and insecurity” from yesterday (link) are also gone.
And then you said this only the day before –
Kuba: Hmm ok I see the bottom line of this is that I am not willing to change myself. This makes a lot of sense, why I would rather go on excursions, because then I get to remain intact as I am now and fool myself into an escape fantasy.
But to feel good each moment again for the rest of my life I have to change myself. Which is also why only returning to feeling good is insufficient. Am I understanding correctly?
In that me as I am now (if I was to remain like so) will forever experience those same ebbs and flows, I will remain in the 60/40 arrangement because this is what I am willing to allow. (link)
Is this objection still prevalent, causing you to go back and forth between having a blast from a short-lasting insight and then “gloomy feelings” again or has the objection of “not willing to change” yourself miraculously evaporated? It will have to be lived to find out.
I do ask because having observed this see-saw between serious objections, shared “with a high degree of confidence” (link) and a sudden change of mind only to be replaced by another objection makes me quite dizzy to follow, and I wonder if I better stay on the sidelines for a while until this merry-go-round has calmed down.
I am pleased, however, you re-discovered pure intent. It makes such a difference in how you assess any upcoming objections, either passionately believing in them all or letting pure intent give you an actual perspective instead.
Cheers Vineeto